Not too close
Tsukishima x Reader fluff!
This.. has been in drafts... since april... and i think it shows. Anyway, hope you enjoy, thank you for reading <3
bonus drawing i spent way too much time on! hes blue da ba dee da ba dah
Tsukishima Kei would never admit how irritated his partner’s absence made him.
You didn’t have any overlapping classes and recently just couldn’t find time to meet. The rare shared walks back home were the only moments of company and even those became quiet due to how exhausted both of you were after a long day of school. Tired surface level chit-chats weren’t what he valued about your relationship, yet it was all you two could manage as of late. Exams were coming up and the volleyball club was as busy as ever too, so, naturally, Tsukishima’s patience was on its last straw.
However practice this evening was even more annoying than usual.
He knew they couldn’t help it. He knew the craving to dote on your significant other, but he didn’t appreciate it happening right in front of his eyes, since he ignored his lovey-dovey urge. He couldn’t blame Kiyoko and Yachi for their giggles and soft affection for each other, yet he really wanted to. His rational side kept having to remind him of how unfair he was being. It was nearly painful to see a couple who managed to find time to spend together during such a busy time of the year, even if it was in a sweat reeking gym while avoiding stray volleyballs. It just reminded him of his own failures to show meaningful affection.
He wasn’t ignorant or cold, not at all. In all honesty, he was truly whipped, just struggled to show it. His weakness was the façade he had learned to build up after many years. Until now he fully believed his snarky shell was a choice and he could easily drop it, if there was something to be gained. However once you came into his life he found that his sarcastic rebuttals became a force of habit. Even when he truly desired to show you how much he loved a gift or something heartfelt you said, he simply couldn’t. A remark would fly out before he even realized it. You had said you didn’t mind, but he knew better – it should have been the exception, not the rule. And it hurt to know you might be feeling the distance in between.
That's how your relationship worked until now; not too close, but not far either.
Only now, with Karasuno’s managers in a tight embrace, he realized how much he wanted to hold your hand.
Whenever he tried to follow the ball in the current practice match his mind would eventually drift back to you. Strategies weren’t coming to mind either. Honesty, this was tiring, very emotionally tiring. When did relationships become so complicated? Was he just difficult to be with? Were you regretting your choice to trust him? He knew clearly what he wanted and there was no real barrier in his way, but he just couldn’t make himself reach out. Every time he tried it just wouldn’t come out. Whenever he felt that warm bubble in his chest calling to hold you close, he was scared.
It was new, it was exciting, but more than anything - it was scary as hell. He couldn't force himself.
A different thought entered Kei’s mind-
What if you were tired of waiting around for him? He couldn’t blame you if you found him tiring, but he knew he wanted you around. Sure, it’s just a relationship and it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, and he wasn’t sure why he desperately wanted to be with you, but what if you’re not happy? Surely you shouldn’t be forced tooo—
Everything went black for a second and once Tsukishima regained his senses, he found himself sprawled out on the floor. Voices approach.
The gym floor feels a lot more uncomfortable when there’s a small crowd of upperclassmen looking down at you.
Quite quickly a hand was shoved nearly into Tsukishima’s face. He could barely see it through the ink black clouds staining his vision. He gripped onto it for balance and wobbled to his feet, promptly to be met with a bashful Tanaka.
'Sorry about that! Stray serve.. you feeling ok?' Tanaka gripped his hand tighter to keep him up.
'Yeah, Tsukki, you seem kind of out of it today' Yamaguchi put a hand on his shoulder.
'ugh- I’m fine, your aim is shi…'
As soon as Tsukishima shrugged off Tanaka and Yamaguchi’s hands he felt the ground slipping from under him, the black splodges once again consuming his sight, light-headedness kicking in full force. Only a firm grip on his elbow kept him from falling over again. He didn’t even have to look over to recognize the firm dependable grasp of his captain.
He felt thankful. Publicly falling over again after insisting you're alright would be quite lame. Almost Kageyama-esque. Yuck.
Through Kei's headache, Sawamura's deep voice sounded refreshingly soothing. He tried to focus on it instead of the other noise. Screeching sneakers on the linoleum flooring, the managers scrambling for an ice pack, Sugawara scolding Tanaka, Yamaguchi reading out something off of his phone about head injuries etc. etc.
In the end Tsukishima got kicked out of the gym a lot earlier than he would leave usually. He was just glad he convinced the third years he was alright going home alone.
The walk would do him good. Settle his thoughts, calm his worries.
Or that's what would've happened if the sky hadn't decided to be a cry baby. It was quite literally pouring. Even his headphones were no match for the sound of water droplets. Good thing it was at least a bit relaxing and didn't stir his drowsy headache awake. Bad thing - even with the umbrella he kept for emergencies he would be soaking wet by the time he got home.
He stood at the entrance of the school and debated between getting wet and wasting time.
'Today is turning out really annoying, huh?'
Yeah, that's exactly how he would've put it--wait who was that.
It's a bit embarrassing he didn't recognise your voice instantly, but you didn't notice and sat down on the highest step of the few stairs leading into the school's doorway. The little roof kept you safe from water, but if you were to extend your legs, you'd be soaked up to your ankles.
Empty gaze into the endless curtain of water in front of you.
He sat down next to you. Not too close, but not far either.
'Are you ditching volleyball practice?'
No wonder he couldn't recognise your voice. You sounded miserable. Were you getting enough sleep?
'No. They made me go early.'
That seemed to peak your interest. Your head turned a bit to look Kei in the eyes. He managed to catch a glimpse into yours as well. Bloodshot.
'Got smacked on the head with a volleyball.'
A small smile decorated your face.
'Pfft. Guess you've been learning from Hinata, huh?'
He felt a shiver go down his spine at the thought of becoming even a bit like the tiny decoy.
This time a small giggle. Good, progress.
'How have you been?' He cursed at himself for not being able to call out your fatigue more properly.
'The group project's killing me. Imagine doing the work of four alone and the other three people acting like dicks anyway. Real fun stuff.'
Tsukishima took a moment to look to the outside. Large puddles were beginning to form, eventually connecting into massive ones, reminiscent of a river. He might as well address the problem. If it was so bothersome, he might as well fix it. Right?
So why couldn't he speak?
A comfortable silence settled.
You didn't feel the need to talk to enjoy his company and he was going through guilt and crippling cognitive dissonance.
So you two stayed like that, both simply watching the ever-growing puddles on the dark worn tiles and gathering vastly different meanings from it.
Tsukishima decided the anxiety was enough. You two were supposed to be lovers. Jump in head first.
A good start is half the work done, right?
'I wanted to talk to you about something'
'Sure. What's on your mind?'
He tried to formulate his thoughts, but everything seemed off. You waited patiently. If it was important to Kei, it was important to you. After a while, you could hear him speaking under his breath, murmured, as if he was telling a secret unfit for the general public.
'I'm sorry I can't show affection very well.'
Emotional honesty didn't come easy.
His world came to a halt. He couldn't hear the rain anymore. Only your breath and his own hammering heart. The few seconds before your response felt longer than they actually were. He could almost picture pages flying off a calender.
'That's alright. You don't need to force yourself if you're uncomfortable.'
Ah, if only it were that easy. This was not his problem at all.
The sound of rain reached his ears again. Your eyes met. You kept silent, urging him to explain.
'I'm not sure why this is even a thing. I want to, but I'm not--it's weird''
He fixed his gaze onto the pattern of the tile underneath his feet. What an interesting design.
'That's alright too. We can learn, if you really want to.'
He had to really hold back asking what you were getting out of this relationship or why you weren't leaving or why you even care or--
Tsukishima tensed to argue, but as soon as he turned in your direction he saw an offering. A simple gesture that would decide if this would work out.
An open palm, fingers spread, eyes calm and focused.
His palms felt sweaty. He knew he wanted to be affectionate, but the fright was coming back.
No, trust them. This is fine.
He choked back a quip about asking if you were a beggar. He could do this, he could do this, he cou--
'Do you prefer pancakes or waffles?'
'Um... waffles, I guess, but why does tha...'
He felt as though he was watching a movie. Your hand slowly turned and lowered from mid air towards his. Before his anxiety kicked in, you were already gently intertwining your fingers.
You met his eyes once more and searched for any signs of discomfort.
It was okay. Very much okay. The rest of the world faded out. He could feel your gentle pulse if he pushed any of his fingers tighter together. You were here. He was here. Everything was okay.
He felt safe. Warm. Complete.
Kei knew he had large palms, but he felt butterflies when he saw how small yours was compared to his. Warm. He felt your fingers squish down a bit, calling his attention.
He looked back up to you. His eyes were sparkling. You felt soft.
'That's called waffle-ing, it's when you intertwine each finger together'
'Uh-uh' Your voice along side the warmth coming from his chest made it impossible for him to even think about what you were saying. He just dotted it down in his memory and tried to indulge in this safe feeling.
'And this, -your fingers shifted to hold four of Kei's and his own curled around your thumb instinctively,- would be pancake-ing.'
No more comments or quips came to his head. Calm, peaceful silence.
He couldn't decide which one he preferred. He simply squeezed your hand tighter and after a glance to your slightly blushy face, turned to look at the rain again.
He wasn't planning on letting go.
Not too close yet, but not far from coming closer.
Everything was going to be okay.
