die lage ist ernst aber nicht hoffnungslos

asked the man to call me about something, saying it's not urgent but today would be more fitting and it won't take long! and he did and it was cute, i congratulated him for an anniversary of his that he forgot about and we ended up talking and gossiping for almost forty minutes shsfjrjds he's so cute. and he was working something that required little concentration on the side and missed two other calls because of me but if i hadn't said something about how i only wanted to call for a bit and it obviously got longer i don't know when we would've hung up. my heart... ☺️ like i thought i'd just fit a little call in as i headed to work to get some tidying done that i can't fit in during the week and ended up sitting in front of the building for like half an hour

what hrt has done for me is turn me into a neurotic homme fatale... i see the gayboys look at me and be smitten with me but i can't take it seriously. so i got myself attached to another neurotic little man who forces me to face several of my demons. funny how that works

had a strange little slumber that left me feeling newly insecure about the man. i don't know how to stay confident in that his affections for me are what i feel like they are. i'm back to feeling pathetic about all the times i overshared and made myself vulnerable and the times he got upset at me. even when i remind myself he keeps being foolish towards me in a helplessly infatuated way i get the sense that it must be some kind of stockholm syndrome because i won't leave him alone. in the end i need to properly talk to him and get clarity but it feels like it might happen tomorrow and never simultaneously

on the other hand i'm scared he'll lose interest in me when we talk about mundane things. makes no sense and he's the one who started asking more personal things but i'm like... what if this costs me my manic pixie dream bookseller appeal? o well! he better either decidedly friend-zone me or make out with me soon.... pining has it's charm of course but i'm going to pass out if this keeps continuing much longer

the urge to talk about talking to the man has become smaller now that i feel less insane and am quite certain about some things but i still look at my phone in disbelief over every casual message he sends me. how much of it is flirting, i can't say!

currently stressed about a smaller scale event planning because the people involved are kind of incompetent and bad at writing like i'm so shocked again and again at how poorly people word things who are.... working with texts for a living. and it's creating additional work for me because i can't put it out into the world like that. i was hoping to delegate the task but got something so crappy back i'm speechless and wouldn't even know how to constructively address it. who were these people's teachers in school? what are their standards? so strange. and it's not like i don't have enough to do on the weekend already... i should've said no to the request but i couldn't have anticipated the extent of what would be left for me and my colleagues to fix. :-( i just want to think about seeing the man on monday..... give me a break!

yeah yeah the man and i get along super well and have many work related plans together and it's very rewarding but uhhm when will he make sweet sweet love to me? i think it would raise morale and optimize some processes too. pining takes too many hours out of my work day

presented the man with an opportunity to spend the night with me in a couple of months and he didn't really reject it but he also didn't take it. much to think about, maybe i was too forward. trying not to think too much about it but i also kind of hope that he's thinking about it intensely and maybe will find a way to say yes after all. but i'm not counting on it, just wishful thinking of this desperate ass.... it's not like there'd be a double bed like, we could just sleep in the same room pining... smh