Nicholas Cage as Dracula in Renfield (2023)
in this new year I want you to be alright. I hope you move out. I hope you have enough money to feel safe. I hope you abandon shame and forgive yourself. I hope you get enough sleep and some good news. I hope you laugh a lot and the heaviness of the world eases a bit. I wish you to be alright.
there are days where things dont go like you wanted them to go. the weather is gray and the wind is cold. you miss your bus. you miss a deadline. someone rejects you. you’re late for an appointment. but it’s okay. opportunities will present themselves again. there’s always the next bus. there will always be someone who wants to hug you. the weather will get warmer. i will feel the sun on my face again soon. i know it will be okay. we’re going to be okay.
right here is where every morsel, every crumb, every particle of feminism in my body evaporated
I cut the thread. Now you can quietly return home.
ALCHEMY OF SOULS S2: LIGHT AND SHADOW (2022)
if i had a penny for every time there was a fantasy show i loved involving the plot of:
1) a powerful and tragic villainous-adjacent protagonist with death power motifs, who
2) dies in infamy and comes back with another opportunity at life to somebody they had a deep and complicated relationship with, who has been:
i) keeping up with wearing an elaborate mourning wardrobe the entire time
ii) brandishing a deep emotional scar since the death
iii) carrying any last remaining scrap the protagonist left behind silently in grief, hoping against all hope that their loved one will return
i would have two pennies, which isn't a lot, but i'm sure does indicate several things about my taste.
eventually you realize you don’t want to die. you just don’t want to live the life you’re living. and slowly you try to create a life you want to live. just gotta start there.
no one needs to add “sounds fake but ok”, “no”, “well, not me”, “impossible”, etc. to this post. and i’d rather you not.
one day you think: I want to die.
and then you think, very quietly: actually. actually. I think I want a coffee. a nap. a sandwich. a book.
and I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friend, I want to sit in the sun
I want a cleaner kitchen
I want a better job
I want to live somewhere else
I want to live
You can make this an active process too. When you feel "I want to die" gently correct yourself with "I want to rest" or "I want to relax" or "I want a day off in the woods" or "I want to revisit a favorite book/show/hobby". And then if you reasonably can, do it. Gently redirecting your thoughts works if you are consistent and kind with yourself. It can work too with anxiety, redirect once you feel the guttural pangs, before it is a fully formed thought.
