I am grateful for:

the honey farm I go to with my parents when they visit. Perfect wholesome no notes

idiots on apps being thirsty to message

Glen Duncan always

my friend calling me back even if he is a bit shit in such a situation

alcohol

E always

Yellowjackets

I am not grateful for:

needing all of these things to make it through today

had a really useful conversation with L this weekend about suffering, enduring, the unbearable etc and they said 'he doesn't get it because he's weak.' which made me laugh because it's so at odds with how I've trained myself to think of him (and to be fair I think it's not true in lots of ways). but yeah. maybe there is a certain strength that mad people have that comes from facing the void for long periods of time. and maybe he doesn't have it. what would it mean to accept that?

this weekend queer care looked like laughing at me while I put up a blind in an absolutely gargoyle-like position and then giving me a set of corduroy dungarees

can't drop if you don't stop

on my to do list today was also practice suspension uplines and I did not do this

my brain is FRIED

I've lost my nail clippers (I bet I left them in London) and this is annoying me constantly

note to self: buy nail clippers tomorrow

haven't stopped since 7am (work/negotiate heavy bdsm scene/pick up things/bus/climb/drinks and plan holiday abroad/bus/shower and start to pack) and am still not even half-packed for weekend away including multiple train journeys/new places and a photoshoot but I think I have hit the sleep wall and at the moment this is too precious to be wasted

went to butch photography exhibition talked to old friends one of whom introduced me to others as 'level headed and generally smashing' discussed breakups with earnest autistic women gushed about zines with new friend who is also rly hot distributed zines to enthusiastic audience had dinner with friends now back in big luxurious house where I'm staying and have my own bathroom and I feel so blissfully low in pain. oh and ex invited me to play with him tomorrow (I can't because I'm here but the offer made me feel light as air). maybe I just move to London and hang out with lesbians all the time. maybe this is the only way to be happy

happiness made me soft. don't fall in love kids

I am very tired of trying to reach out to people and getting inane bullshit. due to me cosplaying as a not crazy person pretty well in many of my recent (past few years) friendships they really, really do not understand the intensity of my misery or suicidality. I am not able to keep living like this, but also I have not accepted it's over, so I don't completely feel able to commit to killing myself. so I keep living for another minute or hour. sometimes I am having these random laughing fits because nothing matters at all and the idea that I am still breathing is a joke I am having with myself.

I often assume that other people are also fuckups who are pretending and then when I am even a tiny bit honest I'm like, oh no, you're just actually really boring and don't know what darkness looks like. enjoy your pets or whatever

(different person) (who I only talked to about wanting to kill myself twice, literally only twice!) has already told me they cannot support me. 'hope you feel better soon' I literally won't. my misery will almost certainly drive people away if I share even a little of it

I bought my first ever smartphone so I can try to find people for casual encounters but the apps seem devoid of people dtf(etc). if you want """connection""" you should not be on anything that lets you swipe. some of us are here for transaction like the gods of technology intended

conversation with someone where I realise, oh, you don't understand me at all

'you need to let yourself feel your feelings'

if I let myself feel my feelings fully I would (already) be sectioned or dead! maybe you can feel your feelings but my feelings are an endless scream of existential despair and my job is to put them in a box, close the box and try not to look in the box again for as long as possible. thanks. you were absolutely no help

I've just started watching Yellowjackets and my takeaway so far is that Melanie Lynskey/her character is SO hot

things you can't take with you

money

friends

self-respect