There is this ache in my heart.

Something is missing.

I see people falling in love around me.

But it never happens for me.

I want to know what real love is like.

But I'll never be enough for anyone.

Not talented enough.

Not pretty enough.

Not charismatic enough.

Just not ever enough.

Who would want to put up with me?

Someone broken and bitter.

Jealous I am and jealous I will always be.

Struggling with my ever-changing mood swings.

I feel a coldness in my heart-

As I wine and dine with envy.

I wish I was enough.

I wish someone loved me.

When will someone look at me and tell me that I am enough?

When will someone want me?

This is so relatable in so many levels.

Everyone is so pretty.. Why do I have to look like this?

I frickin hate that I feel this way

Great day

Today's a great day. <3 I just had my 51 Talk interview a while ago. It's nerve-wracking tbh. I can't remember what i said. Hahahaha!

I'm trying out all the possible options for work.

Be it Work From Home, Office-Based or even Clinic. Let Your will be done, Lord Jesus! Please put me in a place where I won't compromise my time seeking You. 06.08.21

It's June 12 today, independence day. It's only been a few days since I posted this but from happy thoughts few days ago turned into another episode of depressing posts.. Why why why

Update(07/26): They didn't call back or send me an email after this interview. Well I guess it didn't work out? But still grateful and joyful for that experience. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

Great day

Today's a great day. <3 I just had my 51 Talk interview a while ago. It's nerve-wracking tbh. I can't remember what i said. Hahahaha!

I'm trying out all the possible options for work.

Be it Work From Home, Office-Based or even Clinic. Let Your will be done, Lord Jesus! Please put me in a place where I won't compromise my time seeking You. 06.08.21

It's June 12 today, independence day. It's only been a few days since I posted this but from happy thoughts few days ago turned into another episode of depressing posts.. Why why why

Nicole Addison @thepowerwithin

I don't wanna lie for something I truly feel. I wanna be so freaking honest about how lonely I am. I am lonely.. so freaking lonely.

I feel so lonely. I feel alone. I am disgusted with myself. If anyone reads this, I know you'll irk too. I am sorry for just voicing out what I really feel inside. I AM FREAKING LONELY. I BADLY WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME. But who would love me, right?! Yes, I know it is always my family and God who loves me unconditionally. But what I am saying is... romantically speaking.. who would?? 😢😢 Oh Lord, I am so sorry for feeling this way. I am so lonely right now. Why is it for others, they easily jump into one relationship to another? But why me??? Even once, I haven't experienced getting surprises for Valentine's Day? Why am i always the one who is single?? Why am I not getting someone to like me? I am so desperate, Lord. Please give it to me. This is really my problem. I have no one to talk to because they will think of this as absurd.. But this is how I feel.. I am lonely right now. The more I look at my social media feed, the more lonely I become. I'd never thought these things would make me feel lonely.. I would've never in a million years expect this time will come that the very thing I am sad about is this thing called "being single"

Lord, why do people my age never wished to have a boyfriend but they easily get it? Unlike me, who is desperately waiting, praying, wishing but still, there's none? I AM SO SAD, LORD. WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY 😢😢😢

Sorry, Lord Jesus. I just want someone to talk to. 😢😢😢😢

Still feeling this as of June 2021. I am tired of being single.

yung tipong ready ka na magkalovelife kaso walang nagkakagusto sayo o kahit crush man lang? Saklap mehhhnnn

HAHAHAHA after a month nung pinost ko to, meron pala may matagal nang crush saken. Hayuuup patawa hahaa ayun ngayon, waley na. May gf na siya. Ganun naman palagi e. Kung hindi ako ung babae na pangtropa, maccrush-an lang ako pero hindi naman mamahalin o ggirlfriend-in man lang. Saklap haha ano ba mali saken????

Will reblog this shit again. Yeah, I know. Nganga pa din ngayong 2021. I now start to believe that i dont attract anyone around me even pets hahah

June 2021 and still, no one. I hate thinking that I am being destined to be single forever.

My thoughts about the topic “The man that God has for you will look for you or pursue you.”

To be honest, I was really skeptical to post this one because I don’t think I would even made a point. Bur somehow, I wanted to share my thoughts about this so here it goes.

“The man that God has for you will pursue you.”

As a young adult, I can’t help but think about building a family of my own in the near future. But how can I do that? I am not dating or even going out to meet somebody or whatever. And tonight, I saw a video on Youtube about dating or marriage that somehow had an impact on me which is that quote.

As a woman who is afraid of getting her feelings hurt, I somehow believe in that piece of advice. So maybe God really has someone for me? But for now he is a work-in-progress? (well who doesn’t? ugh sorry).. that I just have to be patiently waiting for him and just focus on myself first. And according to that video, if someone showed up, it doesn’t mean that he is already THE ONE so you just have to ask God for help (which is a thing that i would be grateful for). But I am slightly confused rn.

But…

There are questions that pop out on my mind that says… “How can a man pursue me if I don’t show any interest in him? How can I know who my potential husband is if I wouldn’t let him know me in a deeper level or vice versa?”

I think in a man’s point of view, if he could feel that a woman has interest in him or is showing/reciprocating his feelings, then that’s the time he will pursue you or continuously pursue you. With that, you would know each other in a deeper level. So that’s the time to ask God if he’s really the one for you. And if not, still, ask God for help. Because letting a man do all the walk and talk without showing even a slightest effort would just lead you nowhere. it’s like you are saying that all you have to do is wait for a perfect knight and shining armor who will still pursue you regardless of how you treat them. Uhm that’s not always the case. It’s as if you have to wait for something to be spoon fed for you? Uhm no.

I think what God wants us to do is to enjoy our singleness for now and make that time to know more about Him first and everything will be revealed to us after. Revealed meaning God will make us realize first what we are really looking for exactly in a man. After doing that, then that’s the time we will let/entertain potential people (like smiling to them, not being snobbish, try to go out on a date etc) whom we feel/think would be the one who we can spend our lives with forever. And praying to God the right decision we have to make.

A work with no action here on Earth would be nothing (except for a miracle all thanks to God) We are not just looking for marriage but a HAPPY marriage. To attain that, we must all pray to God the decisions we have to make. We also have to work some things out if we really wanted something to happen.

Idk. Just a thought. I don’t think I am making myself clear. Very unorganized thought. Just typing what’s on my mind *sighs*

Girl, this 2019 advice for myself didn't work. It's 2021 now, i still am single. Maybe my stars to help me be in a relationship ain't finding me. Like ever. Where's my future boyfriend? Why am I still single? How long will I have to wait for my future boyfriend to come? Or should I just say, "wait no more, he ain't coming after you. stop being delusional!"

Yeah right. That's the BEST advice that should be shoved on my face. Truth slaps. 😂😂

yung tipong ready ka na magkalovelife kaso walang nagkakagusto sayo o kahit crush man lang? Saklap mehhhnnn

HAHAHAHA after a month nung pinost ko to, meron pala may matagal nang crush saken. Hayuuup patawa hahaa ayun ngayon, waley na. May gf na siya. Ganun naman palagi e. Kung hindi ako ung babae na pangtropa, maccrush-an lang ako pero hindi naman mamahalin o ggirlfriend-in man lang. Saklap haha ano ba mali saken????

Will reblog this shit again. Yeah, I know. Nganga pa din ngayong 2021. I now start to believe that i dont attract anyone around me even pets hahah

Daig talaga ng maganda ang mabait. Sa ngayon, mata na yung ginagamit sa pagpili ng mamahalin. Reality check na tayo. Kapag pangit ka, kahit gaano ka kabuti hindi pa rin ikaw ang pipiliin. Kaya dapat kung gusto mo magkajowa, magpaganda ka tsaka magpasexy ka and at the same time, maging mabait ka. Tsaka ka lang magugustuhan ng mga lalaking yan kapag pwede ka nila ipagmalaki sa mga tropa nila na pasok ka sa criteria nila ng “chix” 💯💯

ps. this is just my opinion. but let’s face it, this is the reality today.

Ughh. Yeah my 22-yr old self writing things like this. Congrats! You still are learning until now as a 25 year-old adult.

I don’t believe in love anymore. Sobrang nakakapagod na mag-invest ng time pati pagmamahal tapos hindi ka naman pala ung pipiliin sa huli. So wag na lang. At saka my confidence is too low at this point. I only have my self-doubts and insecurities na hindi na mawawala sa akin, mas tumindi pa nga eh. Kumbaga dati, gusto ko ng feeling ng “inlove” pero ngayon dumating na ako sa point na wala na lang akong pakialam. Alam ko naman na hindi ako kapili-pili eh. Na kahit anong gawin kong kabutihan, kahit gaano ako kabait, kahit gaano pa kahaba yung pasensya ko .. kung hindi naman ako chix… yung sexy, maganda, mestiza, artistahin… hindi talaga ako yung pipiliin. kaya ngayon, wala na lang ako pakialam. maski sa strangers or bagong kakilala ni hindi pa naman ako nakakausap, sasabihin na agad na ayaw nila sakin. iaassume na agad na mataray ako kahit sa mukha lang naman talaga ako mukhang mataray. sus, bahala na kayo. in short, wala na akong pakialam.

still my mantra up until now.

gift

March 3 2019

Sira na yung cellphone ni mama like basag na ung screen, hindi na masyado marinig yung boses ng nasa kabilang linya kapag may tumatawag pero pinagttyagaan niya pa rin yung phone nyang yun kasi sabi niya, nagagamit pa naman. Pero alam ko na gusto niya na palitan yung phone niya kaso ayaw niya lang bumili kasi aagaw pa yun sa budget namin sa bahay. Alam ko na kahit gusto nya bumili, di na niya tinutuloy kasi mas inuuna niya yung pangkain namin, mga kailangan ko, pagpapagawa ng bahay ganun kaya wala nang natitira sa kanya. At saka sobrang tagal na rin nung phone nya pero tiis tiis lang siya. Sabi niya nun, pag daw natapos na kami sa mga bayarin bibili siya ng bagong cellphone. Actually last december ko pa gusto bumili ng phone para pa-birthday gift ko kay mama kaso yun yung time na konti pa lang ipon ko tapos kakaresign ko lang nun sa work ko. Kaya kahit gusto ko siya bilhan, di ko magawa. At ayun na nga, lalo pa nasira phone nya nitong pumasok ang 2019 kaya ganun na lang ang eagerness ko na makaipon. And voila, today i got her a new phone!!!

Sobrang sinikreto ko pa tong araw na to kasi mag-isa lang ako pumunta sa mall para bumili ng phone. At first, I was really hesitant to buy kasi gusto ko makapag ipon pa ng mas malaki para mabilhan ko siya ng iphone yung latest ngayon na iphone. Eh kaso medyo kapos ang aking budget para sa iphone kaya android phone yung binili ko. Hehe.

Then grabe, pag uwi ko sa bahay may dala akong pagkain jollibee bes kaya walang keme si mama kasi matik na ag nagmamall ako, inuuwian ko sila ng pagkain from Jollibee. Nagcocomputer si mama kanina nung binigay ko sakanya yung cellphone. Sabi niya, “Ano to?” tapos sabi ko, “buksan mo.” tapos nakita niya na cellphone… ayun. Umiyak si mama. Sobrang di niya daw expected. Tapos niyakap niya ko. Surprised na surprised siya super!!! Grabe. Pati ako muntik na rin mapaiyak. Sobrang nakakawala ng pagod at hirap sa trabaho yung makita mo yung magulang mo na sumaya at matouch sa mga regalo na binibigay mo.

Hayys. Okay lang walang jowa. Okay lang na yung trabaho ko ngayon ay hindi related sa tinapos ko… Ang mahalaga, dito ako nilead ni Lord para mas maalagaan ko sarili ko, pasayahin sina mama at papa. Kasi pag nagkapamilya na ako, magagawa ko pa ba na suklian yung mga binigay nila sa akin? Hayss. Sobrang saya.

Ps. At saka, medyo nakalimutan ko na malungkot ako sa pagkawala ng aso ko. I hope I can be successful someday para maipakita ko kina mama at papa yung mga ipupundar ko pa in the future.

Hayss, if only I knew na iiwan na pala kami ni mama almost 2 yrs after, edi sana nabilhan ko siya ng mas magandang phone. Eto yung last bday gift ko sa kanya na talagang medyo mahal e. Hayys. Lord, ang lungkot ko na naman. Kung sana naidocument ko man lang maski mga regular days na kasama ko si mama, may babalikan sana akong mas madaming memories ngayon. Hayy i miss you so much, mama. The pain of losing you is still here. It never fades, it never will.