updated birthday wishlist

when I said “overthrow the government”

A finger on the monkey’s paw curls shut.

Goddammit why do we even HAVE that monkey paw????

….genuinely curious now what would happen if i got ahold of a shrivelled monkey’s paw and wished specifically for jeff bozo’s wealth to be redistributed. give me your worst possible predictions

server crash, meaning it’s not redistributed, just lost

Concept: one of those transhuman anime shows where the girl ascends to become an unfathomable god of the digital realm, except that’s not the final episode – it’s the backstory.

The twist is that she didn’t pull the bullshit copout those shows typically go for and erase everyone’s memories of her mortal life, so all of her human relationships are still around, and the actual show is a slice-of-life domestic comedy where the family’s teenager daughter just happens to be this incomprehensible living meme complex who influences the physical world by manipulating wifi-enabled technology. This is played completely straight.

Every so often the show lightly touches on the world-shaking exploits she’s getting up to off camera, but then her mom scolds her for talking business at the dinner table (never mind that she’s not physically present and doesn’t eat), and the audience never gets the particulars.

Her little brother looks like a perfectly human ten-year-old, but is actually an Inspector Gadget style full conversion cyborg. His upgrades are only ever used for stupid pranks, and how he got that way is never addressed beyond occasional allusions to “the Accident”.

#in some episodes the kid brother is a kid sister instead #this is also not explained or remarked upon (via @prokopetz)

The word you’re looking for is “genderfluid.”

Of course, but the show can’t actually point that out, because the whole idea is to deliberately shoot our own metaphor in the foot. Some hypothetical critic could point at the show refusing to remark on the fact that the kid sibling is a cyborg and say “look, a metaphor for normalising trans identities” – except the kid sibling is also explicitly, textually genderfluid, and we’re not going to remark on that, either, because fuck subtext.

(Their parents are, to all indications, regular baseline humans, but the family has a dad and two moms. This is treated by the narrative as a conventional, plain-vanilla family situation. Also, the cat talks.)

Does the cat talk because it’s also a cyborg, or because it’s a cat in a magical girl anime

Yes.

does anyone else remember being in, like, middle school and every adult over the age of 30 being like “drawing or writing on your hands is literally the most EVIL thing you can do and can KILL you”

My friend once put her maths homework in a bottle of water and drank it, then became ill and wasn’t able to go to school the next day, pen ink is really bad y'know

ok but you see what the difference here is, right? like you see the difference between drawing on your hands and drinking homework juice, right??

This just hit me. I’m so Southern my family has a matriarch and no one in the family knows for sure how old she is. We all also got into a heated debate about the existence of her glass eye (still not confirmed). She’s in her 90s- we think- beat cancer, outlived two husbands, had seven children and has outlived three of them, survived The Great Depression, and either her dad or her grandfather was a full blooded Cherokee Indian… possibly the tribe’s leader but no one really knows for sure.

She also once lit into my dad’s school bus driver, cussing him black and blue about how he treated the kids and didn’t realize she had a butcher’s knife in her hand until he RAN away. She didn’t have any more trouble out of him.

…I wish to know how and why this just occured to you, please

I had an eloquent reason but really what it boils down to is I think Mamaw is a cryptid. The running joke in the family is that Mamaw will be at the end of the world with the twinkies and the cockroaches.

I’m not sure it’s a joke anymore, I think it’s a premonition.

Two years ago one of my cousins wanted to bring her wife to thanksgiving and Joe was all “ew no way” and Mamaw stood her ass up and said “Who the hell do you think you are, saying who is and isn’t welcome in my house? This ain’t your house- you get out! I say who is welcome and YOU is not welcome. Now SCAT!” while slapping at him and then sat back down and asked my cousin if her wife ate catfish. Joe tried to come back in and she popped the tennis balls off her walker and threw them at him until he left

No matter how old Mamaw gets, her hair is still solid black. She still hasn’t gone gray and she’s never once died her hair. Her kids all have heads full of gray hair, and my father- her grandson- is starting to go gray. Mamaw? Nothing. I swear she looks exactly the same as she did when I was a kid.

Mamaw got Covid-19. She presented with symptoms and was rushed to the ER with a dangerously high fever and next to no oxygen. The doctors took note of her age (she’s apparently 93 as best she can guess) and her vitals and, well, Mamaw wasn’t gonna make it past Monday.

By Sunday night the fever was gone and she was complaining that the hospital didn’t get WWE and she was gonna “miss my wrasslin shows!”.

She was home and completely fine by Tuesday. By Wednesday she was calling up the anti-maskers in our family just to call them idiots and hang up.

I can not express how HYSTERICAL I am over the way my roommates decided to cut my cake

This is how I found it this morning and I am THIS CLOSE 👌🏻 to murdering someone

In case anyone wants an update, they left this minuscule square so they wouldn't have to wash the plate. I am, and I can not stress this enough, LOSING MY MIND

Every morning the people around me wake up and they choose VIOLENCE

behold…. a Bastard

Cat OS running on mouse hardware.

they also howl! 

Wolf OS running on mouse hardware.

I’m glad you all love this tiny rodentious bastard mammal, but I can see we’re going to need to have the conversation about hiding things in the tags

It also metabolises scorpion venom as a painkiller

Mouse runs Doom

Doommouse

Sometimes I really want to have a sit down conversation with God just to ask him why.

I hear them here at nights when camping sometimes. Sounds like a tea kettle

My wife devious statement stands

Is that cockney rhyming slang for previous?

That’s me being tired and being unable to make a coherent thought

Si parpadeas te lo pierdes…

  WTF 😅😅😅

The snag got snagged.

@mothman-etd just turned Oppy on for the first time in over a month (we’ve been doing work on the house) and all I can hear is him crooning at her.

“Hello, Terror. It’s time to wake up and clean the house. Yes it is. Yes it is. Who’s a good robot nightmare? Yes you are! Who’s going to murder the elf? Is it you?”

rip Legolas. 

destiel going canon only in spanish and an episode of the animaniacs reboot getting pulled for showing a number to a phone sex hotline within 12 hours of each other is the cherry on top of this batshit fucking month

why does destiel keep being the vehicle for my learning wild and completely unrelated information

I've basically given up and accepted that news will now be fed to me wrapped in destiel as if I'm a dog being given a pill wrapped in cheese.

sooooo can yall help me determine if this is a fireable offense

a lady just came in asking if we have oat milk and we dont so i said “our soy milk is pretty good though, thats what i use in my drinks!” and she looked at me and went “yknow soy milk lowers a mans sperm count” and without thinking i just went “cant lose something you never had”

youre laughing. i got called a soy boy and youre laughing

okay to the people confused by this allow me to shed a little light on the subject

icant fucking breathe

The Chinese name for it is like... Introverted Grass.

suddenly I am dying to know multilingual nicknames for this tiny twig of shame

Me, throwing em dashes, semicolons, commas, and ellipses into a jumbo-sized trash bag and then shaking it vigorously: hang on I gotta season my fic before I upload it

Make it spicy

genre? how would I know what genre? look i want a playlist that sounds like how i feel when i'm quietly longing for a future i can't envision and a past that never existed. it needs to taste like ginger & honey & an evening home alone in a big drafty house. it should smell like that one staircase from middle school. no I can't be more specific, now generate my FUCKING playlist

I have a couple songs I go to when I want “sounds like how i feel when i'm quietly longing for a future i can't envision and a past that never existed”. But they’re my songs for my feelings and I don’t know if they’ll hit you the same.

no f***ing way

Isthis f***ing reallife

Man this sports Anime has a really good budget

“HE ASCENDED THROUGH THE AIR LIKE A DEFENSIVE ANGELLL!!!!!1!1!1!1”

i died when they put him back on the floor and started cheering 

The man!

The man!

THE LEGEEENNND!

We all know Tsukishima looked Hinata right in the eyes while showing this to everyone

Gotta love studio c comedy

A cat and an owl

original thread by @pukicho and several other users

I always love seeing this comic because it interprets Tumblr as a gigantic theater ruled by absolute chaos where sometimes somebody just stands up on their chair and shouts and we all pay attention

this post is from THIS YEAR

he cannot die. Unstoppable

Bad dog. Out you go

The Dog Will Stay

Too bad.

the dog stays

WRONG

Trap Master can only be flipped during your turn or by the effect of another card. Since no card has been activated to trigger such an effect, Trap Master cannot be activated in response to Trap Stun.

THE DOG GOES.

The effect of Prediction Princess Tarotrei can flip trap monster face up on the opponents turn. 

THE DOG STAYS

Once we send that Prediction Princess Tarotrei to the graveyard, our trap sealing will stick around.

The dog goes. 

Ritual Sealing does not negate, only destroy. Prediction Princess Tarotrei is destroyed, but its effect is still carried out.

THE DOG. STAYS.

I’m watching an online yu gi oh battle

THE DOG GOES

THE DOG STAYS

^ this entire thread in a nutshell.

THE DOG IS MINE.

Quality vintage post

i feel like we dont talk enough about how two of the most decorated female hockey players ever, one a former captain for team canada and the other for the usa, fell in love and had a baby together 

small gay sports baby

Ok but where is my cheesey lesbian rom-com about them falling in love while playing against each other

Okay but the funniest part is this has happened multiple times. There are three instances of former Canadian and American national team players who have gotten married:

-Caroline Ouellette and Julie Chu (both former captains)

-Gillian Apps (former alternate captain) and Meghan Duggan (former captain)

-Jayna Hefford (former alternate captain) and Kathleen Kauth

Seriously it’s like tradition at this point. I’m sure there’s a betting pool on who’s going to get married next. God I love the rival lesbian jocks trope.

In case y’all didn’t click that link I need to make sure you see the headline.

Having seen some births now i can say that dog birth is amazing cos they just slip n slide out one after the other like a little conveyor belt. And theyre so little and unformed. And then UNGULATE BIRTHS ... are amazing for the opposite reason which is that 10mins after being born they are filing their taxes. Unless they are goats, in which case they are committing tax fraud instead

Goats are what is called a precocial species, which means that shortly after birth they are able to do many thimgs on their own, such as standing, walking, eating, and embezzlement

imagine we make contact with an alien species that’s like, vastly technologically superior, they could fucking kill us in a single shot if they really wanted to

and this species has never eaten salad before. and we show them salad and they eat it and they’re like holy living fuck this is tasty. and suddenly they’re offering us huge houses with all kind of advanced technological shit and incredible medical care and all the amenities and everything, with the only condition that we keep making salad for them.

and like, salad isn’t even hard to make. grab some plants, dump em in a bowl. it doesn’t have to be fancy salad, they’ll fall all over themselves for the most mediocre salad in the world. we can make so much salad that we’re practically drowning in it, even if we eat some of the salad ourselves. and in exchange we’re protected from danger, we have great living conditions, it’s basically paradise compared to life on earth

imagine

now realize that this is what bees have done to us