โWell we meet again darling..โ (he spoke softly, he sneered, SHERLOCK SPOKE)
You did not introduce a new speaker and assumed the reader should just know who has entered the scene. You didnโt but any actions at the wnd of any of your sentences. What are they doing as they speak? How did they say it? How are they feeling by their tone and movements? I feel like i am reading from a steno machine
โWell we all know that you are not smart enough to solve this case alone soooโ
When has Henry Cavillโs Sherlock ever shown himself to be that nasty?
Non-canon compliance. Sherlock Holmes spoke many languages including Latin.
โSherlock then went off starting to search for some new clues and he even asked other people if they have seen or heard anything.โ
Where are we? An alleyway? A store? Where are the people? I wrote like this when i was 10 and rushing through stories. This all reads like actions that the writer rushed down because they wanted to get to the end of the story. A tempting thing to do, but ends in poor results.
โMeanwhile you read the letter and saw that it was full of threats. One of the threats was murder.โ
Show the letter. Let the audience in on the mystery and danger. The last sentence, and the one before it makes me feel like iโm being told a spooky campfire story by a 7 year old in the living room. Cadence and detail and all.
You and Sherlock searched for a little bit more and then he invited you over to his home so you could investigate the case a little bit better.โ Where were you? Where are you now in thr apartment? Did you walk? Ride in a carriage? Whatโs the case?
โEven though you did not want to, you accepted the offer.โ What was the charactet thinking? How did they go from not wanting to work together to accepting the help? What changed?
โYou have noticed that he would often stare at you and that his hand would often brush your ass.โ
Odd choice for a Victorian era wealthy gentleman. Are they standing? Where? Balcony? How close are they? Is he standing behind her?
(He even tried your breast but then you moved so he failed.)
Why is this in parenthesis?
โSherlock pulling your dress up. His fingers brushed your heated core, and that made you turn on.โ
โฆโฆiโฆi have never been drier. That made you turn on? Really? Why are we rushing? Why are we using phrases inccorectly?
โYou laid down on his desk as he started to get you undressed. Later on you helped him get undressed too.โ
Show us. Show us them undressing each other. Build the anticipation.
โAfter a few minutes of making out naked on his desk, Sherlock pulled out his hard member out.โ
Show us. Build the anticipation more. Make US feel horny. Is he kissing her neck too? Her chest? How?
โ-Sherlock pulled out his hard member out.โ
โ-ohh boy, he was huge.โ ๐
โAfter a few minutes he started to thrust harder and faster.โ
Whatโs that like? Is it good? How does it feel? Are they making noise? What are they doing with their hands? Are they looking at each other? How?
โ-and enjoyed the aftermathโ
โI think we should work on more cases together.โ He said.
โ Yea, I think so tooโ
What was the point of making them exes if there was no resolution to the conflict? No discussion of it? Why give us the backstory of her parents if it was not once mentioned? Why not delve into it? What made her even have sex with him in the first place? We never see the change or any feelings about him or the situation.
I was talked at with bulletpoints about the character, read a steno transcript, then given no buildup with cringey phrases that were used improperly, given no tension and curiosity, and then given no resolution. I never found out why the backstory was relevant, what the murder mystery was or where it even took place, or what our characters are thinking, feeling, and even doing.
