xld

I need a hug or 6 shots of vodka

My main financial goal is to someday have the means to own a bathtub deep enough to cover my knees and my breasts at the same time.

This is the dream

apparently biting off our finger is as easy as biting into a carrot how scary is that

does anybody else clean their phone screen by wiping it on their boob or is that just me

im just so glad the word “ugh” was invented

i’ve disappointed my entire family but at least i didn’t drop the first iphone 6

I saw a bunch of ants carrying around a potato chip this morning and it made me wish I had a bunch of friends and a really huge potato chip

i’m on an a rollercoaster that only goes straight down to hell where i belong

this is the weirdest job app i’ve ever filled out

once i got very drunk in a bar and my mum had to pick me up so i was trying to act normal by keeping the conversation so i asked her if shes a virgin and she looked at me with pain in her eyes and said “i wish i was”

Hey haha maybe private conversations are private for a reason idk man haha

U know you’ve grown up when you don’t find the same people on YouTube funny anymore

Its gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m being sarcastic or serious

why do girls have fake pockets when guys can fit a laptop in theirs 

I’m reading your palm and it says it belongs on my butt

*sits down next to you and sympathetically looks into your eyes* i don’t care