Avatar

Untitled

@xindra13

Avatar

my dad took some ancestry tests and eventually found out who his father was (and that he has 5+ siblings who are also finding all of this out) and honestly it's been pretty bizarre and emotional so far, naturally

but one of the biggest changes for me is no longer having to give the whole spiel of "oh i know i'm racially ambiguos but hey there's a whole story behind it because this that and here's my father's backstory"

like no i... i just have a grandpa from Nigeria now

...that's way less mysterious >:(

Congratudolences OP, your family are hilarious

Avatar

OP!!! I FOLLOW YOUR BROTHER ON TIKTOK!!!! HE'S A NERD (affectionate) AND YOU SOUND LIKE YOU DRESS IN DARK COLORS AND HAVE LOTS OF ROCKS (awesome btw)

Avatar

I'm pretty on board with the headcanon that what Link gets out of being the bearer of the Triforce of Courage is the power of being a video game protagonist, but I genuinely can't decide whether it would be funnier if he's 100% aware of how much bullshit his everything is, or if he honestly doesn't realise.

Avatar

Like, does he know that normal people can't recover from life-threatening wounds in a matter of minutes by drinking a jar of really good soup? It's the sort of thing you'd assume would be obvious just from being around other human beings, and yet.

Avatar

The fact that Breath of the Wild Link's laser-parrying trick is something that only works for him is made explicit in the dialogue, so presumably he's at least aware that it's exceptional, but does he understand that it's complete bullshit, or does he think it's just a skill issue?

Link: No, that's fair, if I fuck up the timing I have to eat a laser to the chest and that is, understandably, extremely painful, so I don't recommend you practice this unless you're really confident about your timing.

Random Guard:...Link people die if they take those to the chest.

Link: I mean you should be angling yourself, i'm not saying to just let your sternum take a whole blow, to just take it square, that's a terrible idea

Random Guard: It explodes rocks.

Link: You have armor for a reason my guy.

Random Guard: ...

Link: If it helps, drinking some fire resist potions has proven to be moderately effective for me.

Random Guard: The Ones you apply to your skin?

Link: What

Random Guard: What

around when I first started dating my boyfriend i bought myself this novelty blanket that looks like a photorealistic tortilla because I am SUCH A SUCKER for novelty shit. when he saw it in person for the first time his eyes lit up, which should have been a warning sign for the indignities to come.

so he’s a first responder and his day shifts start obnoxiously early as far as I, a pampered corporate asshole, am concerned. almost invariably when he’s at my place there will be an alarm at an hour that is downright unconscionable that will make him wake up and roll out of bed to get ready and will simultaneously make me burrow under the pillows grumbling about how surely nobody actually NEEDS their lives saved this early in the morning, after which I will promptly attempt to go back to sleep

he is a clever man and he knows this is when i am most vulnerable to attack.

every single time we do this dance, he quietly dresses, packs up, goes about getting ready to leave, and then when i have juuuust fallen back asleep, he returns with the tortilla blanket. He finds it no matter where I have hidden it.

He then creeps silently up to my side of the bed and uses his superior speed, strength, and reflexes to wrap me up in it incredibly tightly while i am still dazed and sputtering, so that i cannot move my legs or arms and am reduced to humiliating halfhearted magikarp flops that do not deter him from at least attempting to kiss my forehead.

then he goes to my bedroom door, opens it, then pauses, turns around, looks at me, the soft human filling of the facsimile of an enormous burrito he has just constructed, and says in his best romantic lead voice “I’ll see you soon, beans.”

you cannot understand how devastating it is to my ego that i am beans.

oh also sometimes he takes a snap of me flailing in my tortilla prison and then sends it to me only after he has left my apartment building and has gotten into his car

this means in practice that i get a snap notification just when i have managed to free myself, and i open it up expecting some cute shit… and then I have to relive the indignity all over again but with the additional burden of knowing just how hilarious this all looks from his point of view

Avatar

OP I hope you love and cherish each other till the end of days cause if you drop him I WILL steal him

Avatar

I REQUIRE A TORTILLA BLANKET!!!!!

Avatar

Thank you so much for this. I thought I was being overly sensitive when the nintendo 3ds camera labeled me as a prepubescent boy and i literally cried bc I was so hurt a handheld game misgendered me (I am a cis woman). Any misgendering (even from a computer) hurts to your very core in a way so unique words just don't fully describe it

Playing BOTW: I am in a vast wilderness! I am exploring nature! I am collecting apples! I am finding treasure!

Playing TOTK: I am in a vast wilderness! I am exploring nature! I am collecting - oh my god the trees are alive and trying to kill me! Who thought it was a good idea to give the floormaster steroids?! THE BASEMENT IS FUCKING HAUNTED!!!!!!

Breath of the Wild: "Link, climb these mysterious towers to get a better view of the surrounding lands."

Tears of the Kingdom: "Link, we're gonna fire you out of this cannon like the god damn Apollo space shuttle, try and get a couple pictures before you pass out."

Avatar

We can all agree that the Seven Sages are the ones from Ocarina of Time, right?

Avatar

If we're discussing alleged Legend of Zelda canon, I am fully prepared to disagree about what day of the week it is.

Avatar

assumed this was an assertion that the seven sages from pokémon black and white are the same people as the ocarina of time seven sages and tbh i'm fascinated by that concept

Avatar

No, that one's true.

Avatar

I enjoy the recurring "blowing up the moon to prevent Saiyans from transforming" bit in Dragon Ball because it requires us to accept not only that there exist characters who are powerful enough to casually annihilate celestial bodies but not powerful enough to fight one (1) giant monkey, but that this very specific situation – i.e., characters who are exactly powerful enough to blow up the moon but not to fight the monkey being called upon to fight the monkey – inexplicably arises on multiple unconnected occasions.

Avatar

I mean, usually? One instance of the moon being blown up that I'm aware of was later retconned as a cunning illusion, and there's at least one case of the moon getting blown up twice in a row with no explanation at all because – by his own later admission – the author just plain forgot that the moon was currently destroyed, so.

Americans will measure in anything except the metric system

So apparently this is just this guy's thing

Average american unwilling to measure using metric system factoid actually a statistical error. Measurements Georg who refuses to use metric system on 10,000 posts a month is an outlier and should not have been counted.

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

Arepo built a temple in his field, a humble thing, some stones stacked up to make a cairn, and two days later a god moved in.

“Hope you’re a harvest god,” Arepo said, and set up an altar and burnt two stalks of wheat. “It’d be nice, you know.” He looked down at the ash smeared on the stone, the rocks all laid askew, and coughed and scratched his head. “I know it’s not much,” he said, his straw hat in his hands. “But - I’ll do what I can. It’d be nice to think there’s a god looking after me.”

The next day he left a pair of figs, the day after that he spent ten minutes of his morning seated by the temple in prayer. On the third day, the god spoke up.

“You should go to a temple in the city,” the god said. Its voice was like the rustling of the wheat, like the squeaks of fieldmice running through the grass. “A real temple. A good one. Get some real gods to bless you. I’m no one much myself, but I might be able to put in a good word?” It plucked a leaf from a tree and sighed. “I mean, not to be rude. I like this temple. It’s cozy enough. The worship’s been nice. But you can’t honestly believe that any of this is going to bring you anything.”

“This is more than I was expecting when I built it,” Arepo said, laying down his scythe and lowering himself to the ground. “Tell me, what sort of god are you anyway?”

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth. I’m a god of a dozen different nothings, scraps that lead to rot, momentary glimpses. A change in the air, and then it’s gone.”

The god heaved another sigh. “There’s no point in worship in that, not like War, or the Harvest, or the Storm. Save your prayers for the things beyond your control, good farmer. You’re so tiny in the world. So vulnerable. Best to pray to a greater thing than me.”

Arepo plucked a stalk of wheat and flattened it between his teeth. “I like this sort of worship fine,” he said. “So if you don’t mind, I think I’ll continue.”

“Do what you will,” said the god, and withdrew deeper into the stones. “But don’t say I never warned you otherwise.”

Arepo would say a prayer before the morning’s work, and he and the god contemplated the trees in silence. Days passed like that, and weeks, and then the Storm rolled in, black and bold and blustering. It flooded Arepo’s fields, shook the tiles from his roof, smote his olive tree and set it to cinder. The next day, Arepo and his sons walked among the wheat, salvaging what they could. The little temple had been strewn across the field, and so when the work was done for the day, Arepo gathered the stones and pieced them back together.

“Useless work,” the god whispered, but came creeping back inside the temple regardless. “There wasn’t a thing I could do to spare you this.”

“We’ll be fine,” Arepo said. “The storm’s blown over. We’ll rebuild. Don’t have much of an offering for today,” he said, and laid down some ruined wheat, “but I think I’ll shore up this thing’s foundations tomorrow, how about that?” 

The god rattled around in the temple and sighed.

A year passed, and then another. The temple had layered walls of stones, a roof of woven twigs. Arepo’s neighbors chuckled as they passed it. Some of their children left fruit and flowers. And then the Harvest failed, the gods withdrew their bounty. In Arepo’s field the wheat sprouted thin and brittle. People wailed and tore their robes, slaughtered lambs and spilled their blood, looked upon the ground with haunted eyes and went to bed hungry. Arepo came and sat by the temple, the flowers wilted now, the fruit shriveled nubs, Arepo’s ribs showing through his chest, his hands still shaking, and murmured out a prayer. 

“There is nothing here for you,” said the god, hudding in the dark. “There is nothing I can do. There is nothing to be done.” It shivered, and spat out its words. “What is this temple but another burden to you?”

“We -” Arepo said, and his voice wavered. “So it’s a lean year,” he said. “We’ve gone through this before, we’ll get through this again. So we’re hungry,” he said. “We’ve still got each other, don’t we? And a lot of people prayed to other gods, but it didn’t protect them from this. No,” he said, and shook his head, and laid down some shriveled weeds on the altar. “No, I think I like our arrangement fine.”

“There will come worse,” said the god, from the hollows of the stone. “And there will be nothing I can do to save you.”

The years passed. Arepo rested a wrinkled hand upon the temple of stone and some days spent an hour there, lost in contemplation with the god.

And one fateful day, from across the wine-dark seas, came War.

Arepo came stumbling to his temple now, his hand pressed against his gut, anointing the holy site with his blood. Behind him, his wheat fields burned, and the bones burned black in them. He came crawling on his knees to a temple of hewed stone, and the god rushed out to meet him.

“I could not save them,” said the god, its voice a low wail. “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so so sorry.” The leaves fell burning from the trees, a soft slow rain of ash. “I have done nothing! All these years, and I have done nothing for you!”

“Shush,” Arepo said, tasting his own blood, his vision blurring. He propped himself up against the temple, forehead pressed against the stone in prayer. “Tell me,” he mumbled. “Tell me again. What sort of god are you?”

“I -” said the god, and reached out, cradling Arepo’s head, and closed its eyes and spoke.

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said, and conjured up the image of them. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth.” Arepo’s lips parted in a smile.

“I am the god of a dozen different nothings,” it said. “The petals in bloom that lead to rot, the momentary glimpses. A change in the air -” Its voice broke, and it wept. “Before it’s gone.”

“Beautiful,” Arepo said, his blood staining the stones, seeping into the earth. “All of them. They were all so beautiful.”

And as the fields burned and the smoke blotted out the sun, as men were trodden in the press and bloody War raged on, as the heavens let loose their wrath upon the earth, Arepo the sower lay down in his humble temple, his head sheltered by the stones, and returned home to his god.

Sora found the temple with the bones within it, the roof falling in upon them.

“Oh, poor god,” she said, “With no-one to bury your last priest.” Then she paused, because she was from far away. “Or is this how the dead are honored here?” The god roused from its contemplation.

“His name was Arepo,” it said, “He was a sower.”

Sora startled, a little, because she had never before heard the voice of a god. “How can I honor him?” She asked.

“Bury him,” the god said, “Beneath my altar.”

“All right,” Sora said, and went to fetch her shovel.

“Wait,” the god said when she got back and began collecting the bones from among the broken twigs and fallen leaves. She laid them out on a roll of undyed wool, the only cloth she had. “Wait,” the god said, “I cannot do anything for you. I am not a god of anything useful.”

Sora sat back on her heels and looked at the altar to listen to the god.

“When the Storm came and destroyed his wheat, I could not save it,” the god said, “When the Harvest failed and he was hungry, I could not feed him. When War came,” the god’s voice faltered. “When War came, I could not protect him. He came bleeding from the battle to die in my arms.” Sora looked down again at the bones.

“I think you are the god of something very useful,” she said.

“What?” the god asked.

Sora carefully lifted the skull onto the cloth. “You are the god of Arepo.”

Avatar

Generations passed. The village recovered from its tragedies—homes rebuilt, gardens re-planted, wounds healed. The old man who once lived on the hill and spoke to stone and rubble had long since been forgotten, but the temple stood in his name. Most believed it to empty, as the god who resided there long ago had fallen silent. Yet, any who passed the decaying shrine felt an ache in their hearts, as though mourning for a lost friend. The cold that seeped from the temple entrance laid their spirits low, and warded off any potential visitors, save for the rare and especially oblivious children who would leave tiny clusters of pink and white flowers that they picked from the surrounding meadow.

The god sat in his peaceful home, staring out at the distant road, to pedestrians, workhorses, and carriages, raining leaves that swirled around bustling feet. How long had it been? The world had progressed without him, for he knew there was no help to be given. The world must be a cruel place, that even the useful gods have abandoned, if farms can flood, harvests can run barren, and homes can burn, he thought.

He had come to understand that humans are senseless creatures, who would pray to a god that cannot grant wishes or bless upon them good fortune. Who would maintain a temple and bring offerings with nothing in return. Who would share their company and meditate with such a fruitless deity. Who would bury a stranger without the hope for profit. What bizarre, futile kindness they had wasted on him. What wonderful, foolish, virtuous, hopeless creatures, humans were.

So he painted the sunset with yellow leaves, enticed the worms to dance in their soil, flourished the boundary between forest and field with blossoms and berries, christened the air with a biting cold before winter came, ripened the apples with crisp, red freckles to break under sinking teeth, and a dozen other nothings, in memory of the man who once praised the god’s work on his dying breath.

“Hello, God of Every Humble Beauty in the World,” called a familiar voice.

The squinting corners of the god’s eyes wept down onto curled lips. “Arepo,” he whispered, for his voice was hoarse from its hundred-year mutism.

“I am the god of devotion, of small kindnesses, of unbreakable bonds. I am the god of selfless, unconditional love, of everlasting friendships, and trust,” Arepo avowed, soothing the other with every word.

“That’s wonderful, Arepo,” he responded between tears, “I’m so happy for you—such a powerful figure will certainly need a grand temple. Will you leave to the city to gather more worshippers? You’ll be adored by all.”

“No,” Arepo smiled.

“Farther than that, to the capitol, then? Thank you for visiting here before your departure.”

“No, I will not go there, either,” Arepo shook his head and chuckled.

“Farther still? What ambitious goals, you must have. There is no doubt in my mind that you will succeed, though,” the elder god continued.

“Actually,” interrupted Arepo, “I’d like to stay here, if you’ll have me.”

The other god was struck speechless. “…. Why would you want to live here?”

“I am the god of unbreakable bonds and everlasting friendships. And you are the god of Arepo.”

I reblogged this once with the first story. Now the story has grown and I’m crying. This is gorgeous, guys. This is what dreams are made of.

This is amazing!

i learned that each woman spends approximately $5,600 on her period over her lifetime (x)

this reminded me of the reason why i bought reusable menstrual pads in the first place

im so happy with my collection

Avatar

where did you get them? theyre so cute I love!

Last period was the first time I didn’t use any non reusable products!

REUSABLE???? THERE’S REUSABLE ONES?????

I love reusable ones! Using them almost a year now!

WHAT!!!!

BROOOO

WHATTT

hop aboard the reusable menses product train y’all! boss up your coochie!! all joking aside though, i’ve saved money, no more cramping or inner thigh rashes from the dioxins and other weird chemicals and (pandemic related) fewer reasons to take impromptu trips out of the house. win-win all around.

i bought their trial pack (one of each pad size + pouch) just to see how these pads are like and just a day after using, i bought a starter pack (2 liner, 3 regular,  2 overnight + pouch)

i included a photo below beside my switch for comparison of how big the xl and overnight pads are (i love using both for for nighttime use). daily, i use my regular pads and when working out/post-period, i use the liners.

honestly these are such amazing investments. i cant see myself using commercial pads ever again. they dont stink nor leak and you just have to make sure youre not wearing lace or any flimsy underwear so they’ll stay in place. i totally recommend this!

OMG WHAT THERE ARE REUSABLE ONES????

PSA I JUST SAW THEY NOW HAVE ANIMAL CROSSING PATTERNS IM SCREAMING RIGHT NOW

the amazing part is that it’s 5 LAYERS AND COMES WITH TWO BUTTONS TO SNAP TOGETHER!!

PS! You bleed on the black bamboo fiber part and not on the villagers 😂

Love these. Game changing. Don’t knock it til you try it.

Sharing for people with vaginas who have periods and similar things.

Requesting others reblog to spread word.

If your blog is specific niche, I ask you Like/heart to bump signal slightly.

I recently ordered from them and I love that the colourful fabrics are water proof. They are worth buying!!

I bought these because of a post I saw about them and did some research. I absolutely love them! I’m probably gonna get more soon cause I only got the trail pack, and am sick being on my period have having to do laundry right that second to have more pads ready. But absolutely 20/10!

i literally stopped having cramps after i started using them

I bought some of these a bit ago. Forever reblog.

I’ve been using the reusable pads for about three months, just about to buy more. They’re amazing!

No one told me there was REUSABLE ONES???

Excuse me NO CRAMPS??? And do these cute little patterns not get stained??

I don’t know about no cramps (I’ve heard that the chemicals in the disposable pads make cramps worse which I wouldn’t doubt but I have no experience) but mine don’t really stain! You are supposed to soak them, which is probably even better, but I just toss mine in the wash as soon as I change them (which encourages me to run a load of laundry lol, I run it with my towels and nothing weird has ever happened). I cannot recommend cloth pads enough I LOVE them.

Avatar

I used these post partum with all of my kids, and I intend to buy them for my own kids when they start menstruating. I would like to add that they make diapers from the same material that will save you a fortune when you have babies, and it’s so much easier on their skin.

I use these! I found them from this post, and they are super comfortable and absorbent. I got the starter pack, and I’m eventually going to get a couple more of the overnight and regular sizes.

Bookbinding Fanfiction: A New Adventure Begins

and thus I rise from the dead (with no new fics of my own making though).  Anyway, I’m gonna talk a bit about my process binding Salvage by @muffinlance. Thanks @necrotic-bones​ for (unknowingly) inspiring me to get into this (they were to first to ask to fanbind Salvage and I wanted to do it as well)

Before I begin, here are the guides/tutorials that I used:

- Bookbinding Resources Master List by members of the Renegade Bindery discord server (found through the previous guide)

- r/bookbinding has a nice beginner’s introduction to bookbinding

- the Case Bound Book series by DAS Bookbinding on youtube is very helpful as well, I specifically used Part 6 Casing In

I also found this amazing program, called Bookbinder (on quantumelephant.co.uk), that takes your pdf and formats it into proper signatures and flips every second page for you etc, so that you can print it at home (if you have the proper printer for it)

this post is probably going to be kind of long, so the entire thing is under the cut, but here’s a preview:

Anyway, I think it’s been close to over two weeks since the start of my bookbinding projects, but they’re both done! I first did a kind of test run with a collection of detroit become human fanfics, which taught me four things:

I luckily haven't had to deal with much chronic pain or hand pain yet, especially with regards to baking (crochet is another story). That said, these look like some pretty solid tips! There's also some in the comments section.

As this link nears five hundred notes, I'm just... very quietly touched at how many people are sharing it. Whether they need it themselves (or think they will someday), or know someone else who might need it, the fact that all of them are sharing the sentiment of "I want the people who love doing this thing to be able to keep doing the thing that they love" is... yeah. It makes me happy.

So I’m currently enslaved employed by a cable company, and I can offer a few pointers:

  1. Find a copy of the customer agreement online. Read it. Have the “big cats in boxes” YouTube video on standby so that you can renew your will to live periodically while reading it.
  2. Focus on the sections about cancellation
  3. Examine any terms regarding early termination fees, notice required, proration of the time between cancellation and the end of the billing period, and equipment return policies.
  4. Send a letter requesting cancellation to your carrier via certified mail. Include the date you wish for it to be cancelled. If you are not the account holder but have power of attorney, or the account holder has died and you are managing their estate, send copies of the relevant documentation with the letter. 
  5. The day after, when it isn’t cancelled, call back. Ask for “retention” or “loyalty” and when asked why, state that you wish to cancel. 
  6. They’ll ask you why you want to cancel. Say “I don’t want to discuss it, I just want to cancel my service.” (note: there are times when it pays to disclose your reasons; my company will waive all early termination fees and penalties if the account holder is being entering military deployment or a nursing home. Check their policies.)
  7. They’ll offer something nice. Bundles, discounts, free channels, etc. Say “as nice as that sounds, and as much as I appreciate the offer, I just need to cancel my service.”
  8. When they deflect again, ask how to return any leased equipment. They’ll launch into another spiel about that, thankful that you aren’t making them process the cancellation. Write down the process – they’ll either tell you to bring the equipment to a local office, or they’ll state that they are sending recovery kits. If it’s the latter, ask for the address that the recovery kits return to and write it down (you want to use the recovery kit if you get one, since it’s prepaid, but if they aren’t sent you’ll want to be able to return the equipment yourself.) 
  9. After all of this has transpired, state “As I stated in the letter sent via certified mail on [date], I am ending our contractual relationship and terminating this subscription. Has my cancellation order been processed?”
  10. If the cancellation order has not been processed, tell them to process it. Listen to their spiel. Ask for the date that it will be terminated.
  11. Hang up, wait thirty minutes. Call back, ask if your account is pending cancellation or not. If not, ask to be transferred to retention and ask for a supervisor. Demand that your cancellation be processed and advise them that a complaint will be filed with the FCC if it is not. 
  12. If more than an hour has been spent on the phone, file a complaint at FCC.gov. Forcing a customer to continue a service outside of the terms stipulated by the contract is illegal and the FCC hates it. 

This went from really funny to “holy fuck what kind of nightmare dystopia do we live in that we need to be educated on how to get a company to actually cancel an account with a company that bills you monthly” really fast.

A new mode of production arises out of the newly networked masses.

Avatar

Fanartists:

Thingiverse users:

Royalty free sounds

Flash games

Productivity has always been there

Because shockingly when people enjoy what they do (you make it enjoyable instead of just hammering on them) people WANT to do things!

Fanfiction authors!!

Where is the button to shout this from the rooftop?

someone explain the jewish holidays to me like i'm 5 years old

Purim: They tried to kill us, we survived. Let’s tell the story, wear silly costumes, and get wasted. (Optional: have a carnival or a play!)

Passover: They enslaved us, God freed us. Remember this via a big ceremony/feast and then don’t eat bread for a week. This is a big one; you’re going to have to clean your house and host all your relatives.

Tu B'Shevat: It’s Earth Day, let’s eat some fruit.

Simchas Torah: We read the entire Torah every year, and we got to the end! Let’s have a dance party and then start all over again!

Tisha B'Av: They destroyed our temples. That sucked.

Rosh HaShanah: Happy New Year! It’s time to ask (and grant) forgiveness for the wrongs done in the past year, pledge to do better, and wish for a sweet new year. And go to synagogue for HOURS.

Yom Kippur: Rosh HaShanah’s somber counterpart. God decides on this day your fate for the next year. Repent your sins, hope for forgiveness, and fast. (And go to synagogue for HOURS.)

Yom HaShoah: Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Sukkot: Harvest festival! Sleep in a hut under the stars.

Shemini Atzeret: Man, I don’t even know?

Shavuot: God gave us the Torah! That was pretty nice of him.

Chanukah: They busted up our temple and tried to forcibly convert us. We responded with guerilla warfare. Let’s eat some fried food. Candles!

So basically the entire Jewish holiday calendar is giving the middle finger to death and high-fiving, with or without various combinations of prayer and foods.

Yup. Or as we say, “They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.”

thank you for the desc’s bcs they are beautiful and i am now educated

A handy table for everyone:

Y’all have no idea how happy it makes me to see my goyim followers reblogging this. Really. It means the world to me.

Oh SWEET, a table!

OH SWEET MERCIFUL EXCEL TABLES

Sherlock Holmes modern adaptation but the main characters (Sherlock, Watson, Mrs. Hudson, Irene Adler, and maybe even Lestrade) are all vampires and they’ve just been doing their thing since the time period of the original books

Irene gets to be from New Jersey like she is in canon and she’ll occasionally show up and help Sherlock with a case but they don’t ever date or hook up or anything

OR… Lestrade isn’t a vampire, but there’s been generations of Lestrades, and they all have to deal with this guy

the latest one isn’t even a cop she works nights at the 7-11 and Sherlock keeps coming in at 2am to slam two gallons of Monster Energy and ask her what what the fuck an “amogus” is (it’s case related) and tell her how much better she is at lateral thinking than her tragically straightforward ancestor and also is her girlfriend still going to school to be a defense attorney, how’s she handling the workload

okay, but who turned them and when? bc there is a lot of delicious angst and goofiness to be exlored if say:

irene has kids before being turned and is invested in her descendants

john was already with mary and has to see her age and pass

mrs. hudson is the vampire queen

the lestrades are like. the opposite of the vanhelsings. generational disinterest in vampires, but the holmes enclave keeps roping them back in.

1) Irene adopts and yes she is The Cool Grandma for generations of children forevermore

2) Mary is also a vampire, she got turned at the same time as John, she and Sherlock have Wine Wednesdays every third Saturday of the month

3) Mrs. Hudson is immortal but she’s not a vampire and nobody can figure out what her deal is

4) absolutely 100% correct

whenever anybody asks how they got turned the response is something along the lines of “that was like. Over five years ago. How do you expect me to even remember that.” or “idk man I just woke up like this” or “got bitten by a mosquito on a case” and it’s never the same twice

Yes the Sherlock Holmes books exist and whenever they’re brought up Watson gets very upset that this dude stole his writing and considers him his archnemesis despite the fact that Doyle is a totally normal human and dead as hell

imagine Watson’s frothing rage at the Doyle estate insisting Holmes can never be shown having emotions. like he didn’t personally watch Sherlock weep during the moon landing.

Holmes and Watson are embroiled in a legal battle against the Doyle estate and have been for almost 100 angry, angry years

this is only ever mentioned in passing for comedic effect

Okay, but consider The Problem (Aka Sherlock Holmes) doesn’t hit ALL The Lestrades, only those that Holmes can rightfully refer to as “Inspector Lestrade”.  Obviously, police inspectors and detectives are affected by The Problem (as family lore refers to Holmes) but, like, subsequent generations have learned how loose the definition is.  Our latest Lestrade, let’s call her Billie, gets called up by her boss one day, and her boss is like “hey, Corporate says somebody at the store needs to know about health regulations and stuff. If you take a couple night classes and get this certification, we’ll give you a bonus on your next paycheck, and one of your jobs will be to sign off that we don’t have mold everywhere”. And Billie is like “Sure, sound good, whatever” and goes to the night classes and takes the test at the end and the tired bureaucrat who runs the course is like “Okay, congratulations, you’re now a Certified Health And Hygiene Inspector (Class D-Small Retail Food Storage and Service)”  And Billie just freezes and is like “Ummmm, is it possible to get something different? Maybe I can be a Health and Hygine Expert? And the bureaucrat is like “No, you passed the test, you’re now a Certified Health and Hygiene Inspector (Class D- Small Retail Food Storage and Service)”   And Billie is just SWEATING as she leaves the building, because she knows about The Problem, but maybe this wouldn’t count? Like, it’s not like she works for the government or anything. It’s just a dumb piece of paper that says she’s allowed to fill out other dumb pieces of paper. That can’t count. It’s not like her JOB changed or anything.  But, as soon as she steps out into the night and makes her way to the Bus stop, a slim figure steps out of the shadows and falls into step next to her. “Ah, Inspector Lestrade, congratulations on the promotion. I have a few questions for you about-” And Health And Hygiene Inspector (Class D- Small Retail Food Storage and Service) Billie Lestrade repeats the three words that have become motto and mantra for her family.  “Go Away Holmes”.