@xashtray

19 | any pronouns — mostly tw for anything sh & sui related shits. welcome to my sad life.

i should've felt bad losing my friends, but i don't. maybe I'm just a bad person who couldn't keep anyone around me and i just made up reasons to hate them so i feel less guilty. because a good friend would've felt bad, guilty, but i don't. i don't even feel anything at all. maybe they were always nice but i expected more, i wanted more, i needed more. i don't know if i should hate them or hate myself, probably both. i don't know what I'm feeling right now. i feel okay cutting people off, i feel okay being alone. but hey i have my own space now, I'm safe even if it's lonely. nobody hurts me, i hurt nobody. i don't feel guilty, i am fine. i am fine losing anyone. i am perfectly fine.

i hate you. you only reach out to me and ask to meet up if you need something. and what sucks even more is that, i’ll continue to be at your beck and call. because i’m obsessed with the attention you give me.

i love life. i love everything. and everyone. and even myself. it’s all so beautiful. (this feeling will end in the next 5-10 minutes and be replaced with a soul crushing sense of depression.)

That moment when you realize that your fp treats everyone that way and suddenly you don't feel special anymore and now you wanna cut and die

i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent i may be insane but im independent

alright i think i said it enough times to actually believe it

The fact that I can never auto regulate myself until someone else soothes me or until I hurt myself is very draining.

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I'm terrified of the idea that you're going to forget about me, but I will never forget about you.

Bouncing back and forth between “i don’t wanna be alone” and “i want to isolate myself” is quite the wild ride.

But incase you weren’t aware, these are both ways a fear of abandonment can show itself.

I'm not 13 anymore, I should've been used to this by now. as it's been rough 6 years. but, I still hate myself when it happens. I still hate myself for being this way and I don't seem to change at all