Tw weight loss Tw diet ahead
Between my mom and stepmom coincidentally being on the same medically supervised liquid diet, my friend who is in ED treatment, and my other friend who likes to talk about macros I’d like to go a day without thinking about food beyond “I’d like to eat that/I don’t care to eat that thing.” I just… go do your thing and please leave me out of it? K thanksssssss.
Mom and I were looking at cologne for my stepdad and she managed to spray my hand and foot so now I smell like a white collar crime.
First thing this morning:
Me: Good morning!
Mom: Have you seen your hair? You look like Krusty the Clown.
state school vs private liberal arts school
E’s family vs my family
I’m such a jerk.
I forgot to commemorate an important anniversary: July 4 is the anniversary of when I met @la-animaux and @amaraaaaaaaaaaa at @brostateexam ‘s house! I believe @currentlyonfire was there too, as well as some dearly deactivated friends.
After meeting me for ramen on our own, @brostateexam invited me and E to join a casual hangout and I was super nervous and of course it was amazing. At one point Amara said “ask your doctor if shutting the fuck up is right for you” and I almost choked to death. Then E said something interesting and Anne pointed at him and said “this guy fucks!” and he just took a sip of his drink. In retrospect I should have warned him about how funny everyone is.
Love you weirdos!
Last Sunday with MIL and SIL was fun. It was also maybe 4 hours tops so that helped lol. We met up for lunch and wine tasting and having an activity definitely makes a difference.
Some updates:
Niece 2 and her boyfriend and baby are in the process of moving out of her dad and stepmom’s house. They found a cute place with a yard to rent about 30 minutes away from their house. After kicking them out with little notice the dad and stepmom are shocked! shocked I say! that they didn’t try to stay closer. Amazing. Anyway, I think this will be good for Niece and her family. Multigenerational living can be great but not if your dad is a spineless twit and your stepmom is on a power trip. This is the first time Niece (and I think the boyfriend?) have lived without a parent. And they are parents now. Wild. Oh, and when Niece said they should go to WalMart or Target to buy towels (oh yeah, they have nothing - I had more shit when I moved into my college dorm) he scoffed at the idea of that cheap stuff and suggested they go to “the towel store.” When I asked SIL if he meant Bed, Bath, and Beyond she said “Who knows?” This is going to be hilarious.
SIL is no longer seeing the cop Niece 1 and Mashed Potatoes pimped her out to at their wedding. He moved to East Jesus Nowhere to be closer to one of the prison camps he supervises (VOMIT) and it wasn’t going to work.
Speaking of everyone’s favorite cop, Mashed Potatoes’ dad has been in the hospital and had surgery on Sunday. Because I am a normal human, I reached out and expressed our support and such, which Niece appreciated. I’m pretty sure E could drop dead in front of him and that caveman wouldn’t say shit to me.
Grifter Sister did her usual attention whoring on Facebook Saturday, talking about how “hard” the day was for her. It was FIL’s birthday. SIL, uncharacteristically, was annoyed. “It’s hard for all of us!” E was like “She knew him for five years. She needs to chill.” LOL.
MIL is definitely having difficulty hearing and I sincerely feel for her. You can tell she’s struggling to follow conversations. Yes, there’s probably some cognitive issues going on, but I think straight up not catching every word isn’t helping. And probably frustrating! Her one attempt to engage in conversation was to start shit talking Mashed Potatoes’ sister. We all ignored her lol.
people with siblings love saying shit like "you never played first degree murder knife chase?"
Mom and Stepdad are coming to visit next weekend and the conversations about expectations are so perfect given everything I know and have experienced with these two for 38 years.
Mom: We don’t need to run around. I just want to hang out, spend time with you. There’s no reason to make a big deal. I’d like to stop by Sephora but that’s it.
Stepdad: Let’s go to a museum and a park and we will take you out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe we can go to TWO museums.
I told E this and he was visibly anxious about navigating the mismatched expectations. I laughed and asked why he thinks my stepdad is going to get his way at all. Like, why start now? They wouldn’t even have LARRY! if it weren’t for my mom unilaterally deciding that yes, they would be adopting a dog the size of a pony. Also, there’s room for compromise between “sit in the house all day” and “be gone from sunrise to midnight.” It’s like he forgets I’ve been project managing these goofs my entire life.
If they are being truly unreasonable I’ll reach for an oldie but goodie: announce I have cramps and my mom will feel bad and tell me we can do whatever I want. I’ve got, like, 5 years tops of being able to use that one probably so fuck it.
This is really stupid but here it is.
I have a colonoscopy scheduled for October. It’s a little further out because I’m holding out for a specific doctor and that was her first available date that didn’t conflict with other plans. It’s a “you’re 45 now” thing and not some huge emergency. It’s fine.
E keeps asking me 1) when is my colonoscopy and upon hearing “October” 2) why is it so far out. I snapped last night and told him if he asks me why is it so far out one more time I’m gonna lose my fucking mind. Please try to commit literally anything I say to memory. I know I have a freakishly good memory but goddamn it. Can you try trying?
And as with most things that cause one to snap, it’s not about “the colonoscopy,” right? It’s this recurring feeling of not registering on the radar. Not being worth the attention or care to file things away. Do you listen when I say anything? Do you actually care about the answer or are you already thinking about work/your dad’s estate/that last episode of The Bear?
Anyway, my colonoscopy is in October. Jot it down.
Talked to my dad and he’s not feeling 100% but he’s definitely been in worse shape before. I offered to make him soup and drive it over but he said he can’t taste so well and asked if I can save it for when he can enjoy it. Absolutely. Done. Assured me he’s fine and asked if I have any movie recommendations for him. Think I can get him into Vanderpump Rules?
My dad, the immunocompromised quadriplegic, has Covid. Stepmom and brother are fine so far. Dad just feels like a normal cold, but tested out of an abundance of caution. Paxlovid is on its way and my stepmom said she’d let me know if there’s any change or if she needs help.
He dodged it for 3+ years! Other than the whole “paralyzed” thing this guy is made of steel, I swear.
Wait shut up everyone shut up
LARRY! is Pet of the Week on his vet’s social media. He’s a star and now the whole world* knows!
*People who follow Chico Animal Hospital on Facebook
My mom embroidered this apron today and sent it to me asking if I want it. I said yes but didn’t tell her it’s because I intend to make a bunch of dirty jokes about licking spoons and other things to E.
I’m pretty sure when my mom envisioned life with a daughter she thought it would be more cashmere sweater sets and antiquing and a lot less dirty jokes and “that’s what your mom said” comments.
After @kibblesandbitch recommended Dancing Queens I decided to check it out and hooooomygod it’s great. It’s filling the Vanderpump shaped hole in my TV life. Not quite as toxic and no one is fucking (so far) but some good snark and drama.
Thanks, @kibblesandbitch 😘
