a mini poem out of a poem I wrote
sometimes i forget how many times i’ve picked myself off the floor, how many times i’ve washed away smudgy makeup and put myself to bed. how many times i’ve said no to something unhealthy. said yes to something good. how many times i’ve treated myself with kindness and patience. i forget how many times i’ve tended to wounds and made peace with my own anger. if i was taking care of a body that was not my own, i’d believe i was doing everything i could. so here’s to remembering that i’m doing the best i can.
so he’s great, yeah. brings me coffee when you won’t even look at me. tells me I’m beautiful and it was a “love at first sight” kinda thing. opens car doors and waves in the hallway. tells his brother about me. tells his friends how much he likes me. so he’s great, yeah, he’s really great.
but you were an earthquake and god do I need to shake things up. you were the one who woke me up when I felt dead, shoved me into the light and said, “look look look we’re still alive.” you cut me like a butcher but always kept the best parts and sure you were a liar but at least the lies were good. at least I knew they were lies.
so he’s great, yeah. but for how long? at least with you I knew when it would fade away. at least with you I knew what I was getting into.
so the sadness creeps in again and you can’t stop it. you picture a train crash, car accident, gun shot. you picture him leaving, him cheating, you leaving, anything that gives an ache. you picture dark rooms, coffin beds, empty bellies full of aspirin and water. anything that gives an ache.
and this is just another poem he can’t read. another thought he can’t have. another door between the two of you like a wall that can’t be pushed over. he can’t see this.
if he saw this he’d know and
he can’t know this.
he can’t know this.
doesn’t your heart get so heavy?– lily rain (via wont-time-love-us)
find someone who knows you’re sad just by the change of tone in your voice
be with someone who loves the feature that you hate the most
fall inlove with someone who looks at you and knows they don’t want anyone else
R'J
WEAR SHORT SKIRTS / DON’T SAY NO / DON’T SAY ANYTHING /IGNORE YOUR MOTHER’S CALLS / TEXT YOUR EX / DRINK CHEAP WINE / BURN ALL YOUR BRIDGES / DRIVE TOO FAST / SCREAM TOO LOUD / LEAVE TOO OFTEN / LET IT HURT / LET IT HURT / LET IT HURT.
IMPULSES || s.o. (via allthesinkingships)
i’m bored with myself as a person maybe i should do some drugs or crash a car or stop eating again or pick up a nice smoking habit just to keep me busy