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Come at me

That’s it, I’ve snapped. I’m not scared of you anymore. As you all well know I don’t talk shit about anybody matter how badly they’ve hurt me or even if I dislike or or are by hurt them, even privately I don’t talk shit about anyone. I don’t rise to it and say shit back, but I need to say what I’ve got to say because it’s been burning inside me for months and twisting my damn mind.

You, you know who the hell you are. I used to praise you, I asked you to marry me, I worshiped the very ground you walked upon, spent every penny I had on you, did everything for you, worshipped you, spoiled you and gave my life, soul and very being to you, but no more. I’m glad to say I’ve been over you for a very long time, the emotions I currently feel toward you aren’t love, but anger and disappointment. The word sick comes to mind when I think of you, you promised me you wouldn’t be the same as my ex, you swore you wouldn’t take my son from me or use him as a weapon or stop me from seeing him and now all is clear, you’re exactly the same and somehow I always knew you were. My heart goes out to you and it aches for you because the mindset of you must be a complete mess, cold, empty and numb, that includes your heart, because only a twisted, messed up, narcissistic and twisted individual could do this to someone. I’ve said this to everyone, my solicitors, friends, family and even social workers that if the roles were reversed I would let you see my son as much as you desired, but your spite and egotism gets the better of you and you can’t give me that opportunity. I loved you and my son as the best I could, did the best I could for the both of you, gave you equal attention and everything else I could of to make you both happy, yet you told me to get fucked because of your insecurities because from the moment he was born he had the strongest bond with me and you’re still scared he’s gonna love me more and that’s one of the reasons you won’t let me see or have a relationship with him because you can’t even love yourself, you’re worried you’re gonna turn out like your mother and you’re worried he’s going to be taken from you. What sort of a person stops a father from taking pictures of their own child, forcing them to delete the pictures otherwise they get reported and ripped to shreds by abuse, you. I’ve no mental history record or police record, yet you’ve got both and you try to use the fact I’ve got epilepsy against me, that I’ve got anger issues when I’m the most timid person in the world and rarely shouted at you and that I’m still controlling and mentally abusive which I’m not anymore (I tried to stop being like that just a few months into our relationship and I gradually got even better over time to the point where it stopped all together and you even admitted that) and wasn’t in my relationship after you and relationships before you, just with you so it says a lot, that I don’t have a job at this moment even though I’ve had interviews and applying constantly and even told you that myself, you use that I lost my brothers, that I apparently “abducted” my son in Sainsbury’s the last time I saw him in December which was with you also and you said I can go off with him around the store and I was back with you, talking to you, with him after less than five minutes and whatever other bullshit you try to claim and use against me. Yet you let people who physically abuse you, stalk to you, get you drunk to fuck you, with you claiming you wouldn’t let him around my son even though there’s pictures of all three of you on your living room wall and more, not to mention your medically diagnosed issues and all the ones that haven’t been, like you going back to being a raging alcoholic and when you drink you get even more suicidal, like drinking bleach for example and the self harm on your arms that you upload to Facebook for attention and you draw and write stuff with your own blood and end up in hospital multiple times for it, not to mention your eating disorder, how you admitted to me you eat once a week and if you eat too much you purge, what happens if you black out and you maybe even becoming a drug addict again, you’re a professional at hiding it all, but even you admit I know the real you and it’s a joke you’ve the balls to do such a thing. I came to London at 7am on December 6th to save you from one of your ex’s and yet you fucked me over again, after you used me to send you pictures of my son you didn’t have, fucking me and telling him to hurt him, while the entire time saying I only came to see my son, when I told you multiple times I came to make sure you were ok first and foremost, yeah I wanted to see my son but I knew if I said that you’d flip your shit at me again and at the end of the day I wanted to see you both and finally you ran back to him and I’ve got proof of it as he showed me on Instagram after I left and more to boot. Witn all of that and more, will you forgive yourself if your own actions affect or cause something to happen to Lucas?

You’re one hell of a piece of work and there’s me who was too scared to even pick up my son around you or question you, the guy you made cry for holding him, that you forced to leave because all he did was love you as much as he could and his son, the one who wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. By the end of it you were mentally abusing me, hurting me and using me. I was scared shitless of you, I won’t name everything but here are a few, you signed up to a dating site whilst being single which is fine, but when we got back together at one point, you wouldn’t delete it just to torment me, I asked if you slept with anyone etc whilst being single and you just laughed in my face to wind me up and upset me, you forced me into sex with you after your miscarriage when I didn’t want to as I was still broken by it, you threaten me with how my son will never know me, that you’re going to send a video of my son with your next boyfriend just to hurt me and more. Yet you still think you’re better than me and yet you still think you love my son as much as I do, when you abuse him mentally and deprive him everyday of knowing his father, that’s not love, you even hate being seen in public with him and make other people push him if you’re with friends etc so it doesn’t look like you’re his mother, not to mention the worries all the professionals have for him suffocating because of you and their worries about you failing to comfort him, there’s still no bond there.

I gotta admit you lost the best fucking thing, relationship wise, to ever happen to you. Because I’m a champion in this and I won’t be fucking broken. I would write more, every single inside out (but that can wait until court) how I was scared of you, felt like I was treading on egg shells and if I wasn’t perfect you’d do nothing but get angry, abuse me mentally, hurt me, break my heart and deprive me of my son

If anyone claims I haven’t been a good father or tried for Lucas, I was there for the whole 9 months, at all the scans, at his birth, I cut the umbilical cord, I was there for him after and until all this shit happened. I’ve also tried to see him since, everyday and I’ve been deprived of knowing him for months. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t be going to court for him. I’ve spent thousands on his part of my bedroom and he hasn’t stayed at mine once so it’s all gathering dust, I’ve missed his first New Years and Christmas and probably the chance to see him walk for the first time and all that breaks my heart, but I’ll be damned if I miss his first birthday and if I didn’t care I wouldn’t be fighting for him, day in, day out.

To whomever sees this who is a friend of hers, show her, because I would send this to her myself but she’s blocked me on everything. I’ve got nothing to hide, I’ve got my faults and imperfections but who I am I’m proud of and I’ve got every single right to be angry, any sympathetic person would understand and that goes for professionals also. Do your absolute worst cause I’ll only come out on top and let me finally repeat, this is the first time I’ve lashed out since this situation has happened and I’ve bottled it up for 6 months roughly and it’s time to speak to the truth. Say whatever you want about me but I’ll always be a better person compared to you and you know I’m right and I still don’t even drink, that’s going on just over two years now, otherwise you’d have something worrying or threatening to use against me and that’s why you’re clutching at straws, trying to use the things I’ve mentioned against me, which is just obscene.

I’ve got proof of every single thing I’ve mentioned here, so if you send me abuse or write anymore shit about me or even get my pictures taken down, I’ll be uploading them for the world to see.

I admit I’m not perfect, I know I’ve hurt you, I’ve got my own problems and faults, which are many and I know all of them and I admit all of them as well and I even have my reasons and explanations for them but at the end of the day it doesn’t excuse them. I’ve got nothing to hide, nothing to be embarrassed about, I even pay weekly off of my own back and out of my own pocket to go to meetings to help me improve myself and even searching for a one to one course to improve myself even more, to be perfect and to undo all the damage you’ve done to me, so do your worst cause at the end of the day I’ve changed. At least I’ve got the guts to admit that openly, do you?

Here’s a few songs about how I feel toward you:

Twenty One Pilots - Migraine, Stressed Out,

Falling in Reverse - Alone, Raised By Wolves, Guillotine IV, Die For You, The Bitter End, Stay Away, Born To Lead, Just Like You, Sink Or Swim

Escape The Fate - Dragging Dead Bodies In Blue Bags Up Really Long Hills, There’s No Sympathy For The Dead, As You’re Falling Down, The Aftermath G3

A Day To Remember - Sometimes You’re The Hammer, Sometimes You’re The Nail, Dead And Buried, Holding It Down For The Underground, Violence, The Document Speaks For Itself, Heartless, Sticks And Bricks, 2nd Sucks, The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle

The Story So Far - Distate, Mt. Diablo, Daughters, Heavy Gloom, High Regard

…and more