"pick at what you can"? wendy do you know what an allergy is. do you know what happens if somebody with an allergy eats something that's been next to something they're allergic to. are you trying to kill your guests wendy
why would you invite them to a dinner party if you don't want to feed them. ask them about their allergies when you invite them, obvs they shouldn't be surprising you with them, but dear god, what a mindset. don't tell someone you're deathly allergic to what they cooked, just sit there and don't eat it, because that's better? because they won't think you hate it? what the fuck, wendy
people without food allergies don’t realize how socially uncomfortable having food allergies can be. your choices are: 1. tell them what you’re allergic to and have them secretly hate you for not being able to serve their favorite food. 2. bring your own food just in case and have them secretly hate you for not eating what they make. 3. get there and find out they made something you’re allergic too so you don’t eat anything and they think you secretly hate them so instead of talking about it like adults, they just secretly hate you. a relative insisted on making food for me when I went to housesit for her. I wanted to bring my own food, but she insisted. so I told her about my allergies. she made a fuck ton of food I was allergic to anyway and still, SIX YEARS LATER gives me shit for not eating any of it. sorry I didn’t die to preserve your feelings.
this. my food disabilities are so socially isolating and it's never taken seriously. the number of personal and professional events that revolve around food... if you don't go to the meal, you're not a team player / don't really want an opportunity / don't care about people. if you do go, and get poisoned, you end up taking time off sick / making a fuss / ruining people's fun. nobody cares that your options are "stay home and be excluded again" or "become violently unwell" (which may be life threatening for some, and still deeply unpleasant for others).
and then you see shit like this and realise that no matter how hard you try there isn't actually any way to win because people will resent whatever you do to try and protect yourself 🫠
With years of experience having celiacs disease i can safely say whoever does this to you is not your friend and you're better off not associating with them actually. is it harsh? yes but this kind of (regretably extremely normalized) behavior speaks volumes of their refusal to at the very least understand why your needs are important, let alone feel sympathy for your struggles.
We have normalized making fun of gluten free food, lactose intolerance and "picky eaters" but for some of us cross contamination can mean a trip to the hospital. Eating disabilities affect the way we socialize because society has made them into disabilities. People thinking they're entitled to decide what you eat or that they can define you as pretentious for taking care of your body, that's the problem. Even friends who mean well but take personal offense at your choice to bring your own food because you don't trust their kitchen to be free of cross contamination?? also part of the problem.
The problem is essentially a refusal to listen and a belief that you know better and that because it doesn't affect you it can't possibly be that bad for us. And above all things, god, is it so hard to understand that choosing what i get to eat is also my bodily autonomy? and that by forcing me to eat what you want me to, you're violating it?
I've encountered hundreds of people who behave like this ever since i got my celiacs diagnosis. I can count on one hand the ones i kept around, and not without having a serious conversation about needs and boundaries.
I have a peanut allergy so severe that I cannot be in the same enclosed SPACE as peanuts without having a reaction. Pastry event at work where they put out peanut butter? I can't use the kitchen and may need to leave for the day. Someone wants a snack on a train or bus? Fuck me, I guess. And when I ask people as politely as possible to just wait for me to leave, they consider me to be a fucking monster who thinks she can police people's personal activities. Because I've asked for them not to send me to the ER.
Simple story: I had a friend who's lactose intolerant and asks for soy milk in their coffee when they went to Starbucks. Well the barista decided that they were just being picky, gave them regular milk anyway, and my friend tasted it because there's a difference! My friend went back up and asked for soy milk again, barista got snarky about it. That was wild.
More complicated story:
I have a cow's milk allergy that is so mild I'm not even sure I'm actually allergic. I found this out from a blood test, so y'know. I believe it. But I do have a MASSIVELY restrictive diet. Look up a gastroparesis diet. I basically can't have anything with skin on it (corn, peas, grapes, etc), nothing leafy (lettuce, cabbage, spinach, etc.), no nuts or beans AT ALL, nothing with "strings" or "residue" (broccoli, celery, all citrus, etc.), no red meat so only poultry and low-fat fish. I can have 15 grams of fiber a day and 50 grams of fat AT MOST.
This makes it really difficult to go out to eat.
Did you know most restaurants use chicken that's had oil injected into it to make it taste More? Not better, just MORE. I can taste it because it makes me sick as hell. Do you know how many times places get your order wrong and you just. Can't eat it? It sucks. It really sucks. Especially when you're super hungry, and your entire family is eating around you, and you just have to sit there because the cook decided to get it wrong.
When I had to ask for large adjustments to menu items (which trust me, I had to do a lot), I was met with a lot of incorrect meals in return, and I had to either just. Suck it up and not eat or ask for another meal. And I have social anxiety, so it got to a point where I stopped being able to even order anything, my mom (my caretaker) had to order for me. Had like. A few too many waiters who got visibly annoyed at it.
I stopped going out to eat entirely, covid ironically was a relief to that aspect of my life (and a huge detriment to others, obviously) because people stopped going out to eat. It's still a good excuse to not eat out anywhere, because. Well. It's a good reason. I'm immunocompromised so I'm still in a mask all the time now. Which is fine, I don't mind it, but I can't eat with a mask on.
I have severe food anxiety cause of all this, anyway. Some days I can't even think about it or I'll have a panic attack. A lot of food makes me nauseous even looking at it. The smell can be even worse.
I'm very lucky that I have a family who's completely accepting of what I have to deal with. Food is generally made so that I can eat or, or a separate portion is made sans things I can't eat, or I just bring my own meal and there's no problem. But god. Our society revolves completely around food and it really does make allergies or restrictive diets a disability.
Adding onto this because yeah! My entire family has various allergies. Gluten, dairy, soy, corn, etc. And we’re all on different restrictions! Whenever we try to eat out, or I eat out with someone else, we get to play a fun (sarcasm) game with the waiters about what’s on the menu, what ingredients they use, their kitchen and cross contamination. It’s so awkward, and I am always so so appreciative of the waiters who actually know what we’re talking about.
We’ve been gluten-free for a long time, and I’ve watched the world become more aware of what it means. We went from never eating out because nobody knew what we were talking about, nobody had even options, to being able to eat regularly at restaurants because celiac went mainstream and suddenly everybody had gluten free pasta, bread, etc. And then the gluten free diet went mainstream, and suddenly people forgot that cross contamination is a thing. >:/ It’s been up and down.
It’s so much worse with the things that people don’t know about too. Having recently developed an allergy to corn of all things, I’ve been reminded how much worse it is for the little known allergies. You have to search through the entire ingredient list to make sure any one of the dozen ingredients that contain your allergen isn’t in the list. Waiters look at you blankly, and have to run to the back and search for an ingredient list, because their allergen menu only contains the most common allergens.
I have a friend who loves cooking, and he cooks every time we visit for a game night, but he doesn’t keep allergen friendly ingredients in his house. Sometimes I offer to bring him my own ingredients (finding out what he’s making that night, snagging what I need replacements for on my way over), but it’s so much easier to just eat before hand. Or bring my own food.
I’ve been lucky in that most of the people in my life are understanding. But I’ve also gotten very good at describing my symptoms in graphic detail, at over exaggerating certain parts so that people understand that “this isn’t a choice”. And I think that’s really where a lot of people get confused. If someone says they can’t eat something, people have heard so much of diet culture, or are part of diet culture, think that it’s a choice to not eat something. Which means just today, or just a little bit, or just one meal, it will be totally okay? But it’s not. There’s not exceptions to allergens.
Anyways, if you work in food service, remember to be understanding. Sometimes mistakes happen, and in those cases, remaking it correctly is the correct thing to do! And if you’re hosting a dinner party, don’t get pissy about the person who brings their own snacks, or asks about what you used to make everything. In fact, if you want to be a good friend, make ingredient cards!
