Dear therapist
I do not want to need you
Not when you sit there with a still water calm while I am drowning in the river rapids that flood from my brain into my own lungs
Not when you seem like the answers to the questions I have never had the courage to ask
While simultaneously being a timed bomb that will leave shrapnel embedded in the paper thin walls that stand between my fragile secrets and the heart that wants nothing more than to connect
I do not want to need you.
Not when the voices in my head tell me that you are but an empty promise.
Full of wishful thinking and meaningless words just one in a series of liars that tell me things will get better
One in a series of people who will watch the flames dance upon my skin yet swat my hand away from the fire extinguisher
Telling me that my light is one that is too bright to go out.
That I must endure the boiling of my own sins and taste the charred agony in my mouth simply because they do not want to lose the warmth that the fire which consumes me gives.
I do not want to need you.
Not when the other half of my brain tells me that to need is to give in.
To give in is to be weak,
Not when I have prided myself on the resolve of clenching my teeth against the secrets that ricochet in my brain like bullets from the gun you refuse to let me aim
Not when breaking this resolve seems like failure, like with each word that comes off my tongue Im proving every judgement right.
I do not want to need you.
Because needing you is proof that I am broken.
Needing you is putting a light on the scars I try to pretend never bled
Putting a voice to all the screams that I tried to swallow and choked down with warm glasses of guilt that burned my throat and left me gasping
I do not want to need you,
I do not want to need you
