❗Pro tip: You can think about gay sex on the clock. It's free and they can't stop you.

shoplifting being a crime makes no sense to me. shoplifters should be an accepted part of the ecosystem where if you don't secure your products well enough they'll dive bomb you and snatch them out of your hands like seagulls.

sometimes you dont eat fruit for awhile and then you eat some fruit and you're like oh fuck its fruit

You guys do know you're supposed to reblog things, right

"well i like this post but i'm worried my followers might not" fuck your followers. The entire point of tumblr is to cause irreparable psychic damage to your followers. We are locked in mortal combat on the astral plane. You must win. You Must Win. You Must Destroy Them.

social media is supposed to be PvP

when he asks “whose pussy is this?”

god i HATE medieval middle school my freaking bullies put me in the iron maiden again

ok guys i get it you watched that jacob geller video and wanna show me how smart u are by dropping an "erm actually" on my post but what youre critically missing here in this reality im imagining is that schools have themes now (medieval, cowboy, space, the simpsons) to keep students engaged and this medieval middle school operates not unlike the "medieval times" chain of restaraunts in which a tacky pastiche of the era is presented for novelty and engagement purposes so having an iron maiden at Medieval Middle School still makes sense in spite of any historical inaccuracies contained within the scenario

sorry for finding it hot when people's hair goes grey. as if im wrong

not to be autistic but i wish i could purr because conveying the fact that i feel positive takes so much energy. i could just make Chest Sound

THIS Y’ALL

are you unemployed? has it been a while since youve thought about killing yourself? dont worry, indeed dot com can change one of those things

i have spotify. open. right now on my computer. do you want me to blast you? do you want me to put you on blast cuz i got your history right here in the side bar take it back by jimmy buffet. nautical wheelers by jimmy buffet. jolly mon sing by jimmy buffet. STEAMER by jimmy BUFFET! treat her like a LADY by jimmy BUFFET! mañana by jimmy BUFFET! WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET. HaVaNa Daydreaming by Jimmy Buffet. what the FUCK happened to you? are you HAUNTED? are you FUCKING POSESSED??

YOU USED TO BE MY BROTHER

no your honor I absolutely can make my case like an adult. first things first, fuck the defendant and fuck his family too. secondly,

With the death of Jimmy Buffett, it's clear the old world is dying. Boomerism slipping quietly into the night. Maybe no one else better represented its aspirational vision. The end of the work day. The end of history. The possibility, just over the horizon, of a terrestrial paradise. A cheeseburger in paradise.

today, my friends, it's 5 o'clock everywhere

I’m sorry I had to bring these tags out cuz they damaged me

ok