It is June 12th Monday 2023, as usual I always have a lot to say but always forget to post and then don't remember when I'm ready to post, but I would like to say that in the event I become incapacitated or deceased I would like my profile to remain up please, I give absolutely no one permission or access to my profile and or profiles on any of my social media, I repeat I give absolutely no one permission or access to any of my social media profiles, no one, no acquaintances, no family, absolutely no one. Thank you
Of course it would be nice to just pick up and leave and go to a new place that's in good shape where I could leave a normal comfortable life or is normal is it possibly could be with illness, while many people out there are dreaming of mansions exotic cars and exotic vacations, I would settle for enough money to fix up the house again and make it comfortable so I could live out my last days without worry, I could fix the bathroom and have a working shower until again fix the walls replace the windows and doors put into window AC units to keep the house cool fix the kitchen and finally have working appliances like a refrigerator a stove and the washer and dryer and water heater right now that would be my biggest hope along with the course to be able to finally get help from Social Security but some days I feel the odds of me being able to achieve any of this as quickly slipping away, it was 90° today and I thought I was going to melt and that's only the beginning of the Texas summer heat I don't know if I'll survive 95 or 105 I haven't turned on the small window unit I have because it is dirty and doesn't work well ultimately I need a new window AC and a new location where the unit could work better in cooling the room. But I would need help with that along with money, right now I could use some basic everyday needs that I don't have right now, I'm just so exhausted over everything as usual today was a really bad day I'm in a lot more pain than usual and laying down in the dark and my feet my legs my back it's all killing me and I just want to be a peace and comfortable. I'm not sure what options I have left if any I'm out of energy.
Honestly I really don't think that I was ever actually important to anyone on any level, other than what I could do for them. Not having any means anymore, most likely means that I have no value whatsoever to anyone. I just got tired of pandering to everyone, even to this day I'm willing to apologize for things I didn't even do just to keep the peace, I know that's very wrong and the diminishes what little I have left of myself which is close to non-existent at this point. I only want to survive and live out the little time I have left in some type of safety and happiness, but I don't know if that's possible unless something near miraculous happens for me. Trying to get help and getting help for two very different things. To the everyday person the obstacles in my way are very minute, but for me they are colossal if you have no way to get anywhere and you have no money to do anything what accomplishment can you possibly make, the window for me to get help and slowly shrinking by the day if that window is even open anymore things are so far gone I can not tell.
I'm not sure what to say it's one of those nights, I think about the evil that I saw around 20 years ago people are now just waking up to seeing it after all this time. There are still people who refuse to believe that they're such horrible people out there but many of us know the truth now, I wonder if the country will ever have a period where everything was equalized again the scales or tip in favor of the evil so much that is shocking. The corrupt and Criminal and Evil get away with everything without any accountability and the innocent that have the courage to speak up are punished for bringing attention to wrongdoing. I wish I would have recognized bad people when I was very young but then what it make a difference? Now I understand why some people joke about living isolated and being away from people almost completely. Many people live there every day lives without even noticing the things around them, but then others attract the bad like a magnet even though they're not bad themselves I really don't have an explanation for this. I've always managed to attract the wrong people, they hurt me they're cruel to me and they take advantage, there is always a price to pay for their Association and frankly I'm exhausted and tired of it. Unless something changes for the better I will most likely just fade away and die and disappear like millions of others who weren't important to anyone.
I'm almost at a loss for words, by this time I have lived long enough to see a lot of horrible and cruel behavior from human beings and unfortunately I've experienced it first hand during my lifetime, just when I thought I had seen it all and not much shocked me about human behavior, a new wrinkle appears. I don't even know the exact words to describe it, what kind of level of Cruelty and Evil does it take for someone to deny someone else drinking water that ultimately cost a few cents a gallon? I've done my best during my lifetime to understand how people can be so evil, but this just defies explanation. I'm just too sick to know about anything anymore having known these people for almost 50 years, I've done my best to isolate myself from the cruelty and harm that others can do, but I guess I just haven't done a good enough job at that.
Last month was my birthday and it has been a year that I have not had any funds, any products that I may have had in reserve that I've been buying, it was something I learned as a child from my mother most of the time we were very poor and whenever something was on sale and she could afford it she would buy multiple items of that product such as shampoo or bar soap that way when we were broke and had no money to buy basic needs we already had them just in case, so I have been doing this myself since I was young because I learned that from my mother basic needs like shampoo deodorant toothpaste Etc I am now running out of, on top of all the repairs that I desperately need to make to have a functioning household and to have items for basic everyday needs, I am asking for your help if you are out there and you can donate I would really appreciate it anything helps, if it would make things better for me to provide a photo and or a receipt of the things I buy, I'm okay with that too I will do whatever I can, please help if you can my PayPal email is williamdecade1@yahoo.com , as always I wish each and every one of you the best, everyday things are becoming more unsafe please be careful and take care of yourself and most important be aware of your surroundings.
No really I'm not sure why I'm having trouble posting I go for these extended periods I'm thinking a lot and posting nothing and then now that I'm ready to post and it's one of the occasions that I can speak using the voice text my posts have failed several times but I will keep trying.
I'm not sure what's going on it's almost as if I'm being censored and my posts are being stopped because I'm asking for help?
Well once again however frustrating it is I thought it was a good post and then the phone told me that Tumblr hit a snag and I should try again so now I'm exhausted and I have to try and duplicate what I just said. It is very sad and I just don't know why doesn't the Tumblr program have some type of backup to wear if a post doesn't actually take that it at least saves what you said so you can attempt another try at posting without everything disappearing now what am I supposed to do I'm laying down and I'm tired and the entire post which was a long one was lost in a matter of seconds and then it tells me to try again? A save feature would be appreciated especially for those of us who try and post and are very ill and have trouble posting, perhaps I'll try in a few hours but I doubt I'll remember the exact words that I said.
It is March 28th and although I wish I could say things have improved, they haven't. It also seems that once again the wolves are at the door, they can smell my blood and they want to destroy What's Left of Me. I don't know what is to come I had hoped to live what time I have left free from worry and fear but I'm not sure that's possible. Although I'm not a deeply spiritual person at all I can say that I cling to Hope whether that's rational or not because it's all I have left, if I have no hope then I have no way to continue. If you're out there somewhere you can help me I'd appreciate it, my email is listed and my PayPal. Please do not contact me on Tumblr with solicitations. For all of you that have hung in there I appreciate it and I wish everyone out there that's reading this the best possible life that they can live, remain strong in your beliefs and remember to think of yourself and take care of yourself. It is wonderful to be kind to others and to reach out to others and help them, But be sure to take care of yourself and never neglect yourself, remember you are the most important person in your life.
There are so many things I want to talk about, but I just don't know how, and still other topics I just can't, I don't know how to express anything, some days I can just barely function. For many people poverty and illness is like a plague and they do their best to stay away as if they're going to catch it like a cold or the flu. I have no doubt that if I were doing well, there would probably be lots of people around me like they're used to be, but since I am sick and suffering and destitute, that's not exactly something that people want to associate with. So I'm alone and I have a feeling I'm probably going to be alone all the way to the end.
And here I am, yes I know it's been a while, I don't know what's wrong with me, I have so much to say and yet I almost never say it. Instead I lay in the dark thinking about things to myself, I try so hard but it's just not good enough. Most nights now it's almost too much for me, whether it's the brain fog and confusion from the Lyme disease oh it's one of many other conditions that makes it difficult for me to think including the anxiety. I finally realized that it was called anxiety after having it for over 40 years, and late Elementary going into Middle School and up to now I didn't really think about a name for it, it was so horrible in Middle School I hated it most days the thought of being in a crowd in the hall or being in the classroom I suffered so much anguish over it I just figured I was strange and weird I was afraid but I didn't know what was causing it, and then it collect a few months ago the word anxiety. It has done so much damage, it's true what they say when you become older there are a lot of things that used to be a mystery to you that all the sudden fit into place and makes sense it's been happening to me for the past several years, so many things that I went through so many things that I suffered and suffer now now make more sense. My birthday is coming up next month I guess if I make it till then I can say I survived another year but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not I grow so tired of the pain and the suffering and the anguish and everything else that comes along with long time chronic illness. It's hard to believe I've been suffering like this since elementary school, it's hard to explain to someone that doesn't know how it affects you physically and mentally that it all starts with one condition and then snowballs until it sets out to destroy your life, to think it all started with scarlet fever and just went on from there. I have not any money since April of last year, I still have hold on Hope that someone out there somewhere will hear my plea. I'm about to run out of soap and several other personal items and there's no money to buy them. I used to stockpile things whenever something was on sale so it took a while for me to run out but I'm starting to run out of things, I learned that practice from my mother she always kept things in stock so to speak so when they were hard times you had things to survive, I remember how she had a little special drawer in the dresser and it was filled with all the things that we would regularly use if she found them on sale and she had money and she could afford it she would buy extra the drawer was full of soap and toothpaste and mouthwash Etc. The beginning of April was close and I keep telling myself it's going to get better somehow I have no choice but to do that it's the only way I'm surviving.
Still no money or donations from anywhere, if you're out there please help.
I'm still unable to fix water leak from the big freeze on December 21st, so I have no running water. The tree is falling further towards the house and is very close it's busting the private fence, I've propped it up with boards but it's only slowing it down a little bit, I don't have the physical energy and strength to cut it, but I'm going to have to try in the next day or so because it looks like it might fall on the house very soon, no money to pay someone to help me. That's the usual story these days I'm exhausted and tired of the struggle and the fight. I'm still shocked and greatly saddened that one of the greatest barriers between me and getting meaningful help is the fact that I don't have a ride to go anywhere and I don't have the money to see a doctor, so I can try and get SSI, it's ridiculous really but what can I do, this isn't the 1950s there is no so-called Village to help everyone out that needs it, I have neighbors but they're not very nice I have to make sure every day that I'm not getting robbed or vandalized. I still fantasize about it being okay one day very soon so I don't have to worry about surviving, but it's still a fantasy that hasn't become reality, it's what keeps me alive and going so far, it's all I can do. I know there's kind people out there that could make donations to help me, but I haven't found them yet, I'm doing my best to remain hopeful, it's a new year and I'm trying to tell myself that this time it will be better.
After having near heat stroke Last Summer and almost freezing to death last year in the spring with it Big Texas freeze with a temperature of 9°, this month on December 21st with the high winds and only three small space heaters the house cool down and froze too fast 15° and burst a water pipe I don't have the energy or money to make the repair so once again I am without running water.
Please if you're running a scam or a Hustle find somewhere else to do it, I am in need of assistance and am destitute there is nothing I can offer you. I am still asking for help and donations but I am not having any success so far. After being without running water for 2 months a repair was made and then the big freeze came on December 21st and the house cool down too fast and I couldn't keep it warm enough for the pipes and a pipe burst in the washroom and I had to turn the water off after having fresh water for only a week. I desperately need help in donations if there is anyone out there that can help me I would greatly appreciate it, please make a donation to my email with PayPal, I wish everyone of you a wonderful New Year for many years to come, I am terribly discouraged I am sick and exhausted, but other than the worst I am left with nothing else to do but to remain hopeful for survival, I hope I can find all the help that I need to my ultimate goal of getting assistance from Social Security but the road is long and hard and not easy not every organization is willing to help, they are looking to help certain groups that fit their definition and narrative and most times I don't fit that being a male with no family, I have been sick since I was a child and am disabled now but it doesn't seem like enough to get the help that I need, as I said I grow exhaustive of the whole process each day I only have a certain amount of physical and mental energy to deal with the situation and it seems to be getting harder for me.
I'm just very tired of the whole situation everything seems to be working against me the more you do to try to survive and the more help you seek the worse it gets?
I realize this morning that it's already been a week but I have not had running water, I'm kind of at a loss for words, sickness and constant pain have been a reality for me for a very long time and this is just another complication that makes it more difficult for me to survive, cutting off my electricity maybe soon to follow but I'm doing everything I can. If there's someone out there that is willing to help me I would appreciate a donation of any amount and I want to thank you and I appreciate it. Also I would like to say with the world being as crazy as it is never allow someone else to take away your voice you have a right to your opinion and your beliefs.
Of course there's help and public assistance for you, if you fit the narrative and category of people they are looking to help.
What I forgot to say in my last post was for some people it comes easy for others it's very difficult but be very careful not to Lose Yourself to please other people, I don't think I ever had the chance to find out who I really was as far back as I can remember I was always trying to please other people and make them happy I didn't want to rock the boat I didn't want to bother people I didn't want to put my needs in front of other people so I don't really know even at my age now who I am as recent as a few days ago I was apologizing for something I hadn't even done just to keep the peace they had done something wrong or mean to me but yet I was apologizing and I don't even realize why anymore I don't know why I'm so afraid for people to be even more cruel to me cuz I think apologizing and taking responsibility for something that I didn't even do makes it even easier so instead of repeating myself again I'll just say that no matter who you are know yourself worth and no matter how much you please other people it's not a bad thing but it is a bad thing when you do it so much that you don't know who yourself is you don't know yourself worth and you don't take care of yourself and that's wrong you need to put yourself first whether it's publicly or privately take care of yourself because in the end when everybody else is gone you only have yourself and you need to be comfortable with that don't validate Yourself by hanging around others you don't need to be validated by other people you can do that for yourself I hope some of what I've said is understandable. Just know that I did everything wrong and now I'm alone and I'm not sure that I have any self worth and no one else really values me so what do I do next I'm not sure I have the strength to continue I'm tired I'm tired of the struggle I'm tired of all of it I don't want to demand attention from other people are there people that could be helping me right now there are but they're self-absorbed and I have no value to them so they're not going to reach out to them I'm much more of a hassle than a reward I don't know if that's right or wrong I'm just saying please if you're reading this and you're out there take care of yourself and be good to yourself.