Wild Stutter

Sad post:

04/29/23

I’ve been living in the U.S for almost 11 years and I’ve never felt so out of place like I do now. I don’t know if it’s because I am a bit older and I am more “aware” of everything around me but It doesn’t feel good. I feel very sad.

Today, I feel like it’s becoming more challenging for me to do what it takes to make it in this country, at least financially speaking. It feels as if I need to have a certain type of mentality to see the bigger picture, like I need to be hungry for money and success. I don’t have that mentality, and I don’t crave to have that mentality. I just want peace, mental peace. I want to be comfortable and not worry so much about tomorrow. I want to feel safe, I want to be happy again and not have to think about how the decisions I make today will affect my family tomorrow, because ever since we moved to this country we have been supporting each other and if one of us falls, we all end up falling. I don’t want to have to be strong and have my shit together. I am supposed to be living my “best years”. I am supposed to be figuring things out, experiencing new things, new people, learning from my mistakes..but those years feel so far away right now.

I want to find what makes me happy but how do I do that when all I do is work and go to school? I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I’m trying my best not to make excuses. I tried to go to therapy, but it’s expensive and I had to stop going. I tried to get medicated but the side effects left me feeling worse and I didn’t want to become addicted to the momentary feeling of relief or happiness. Now I understand why so many people struggle with addiction in this country, because it feels like it’s their only way out, specially when you are so burned out. I don’t want that, so every single day I decide to stay positive, to push myself , to look at the bright side, I have to do it for my mental health. I have to cheer myself up because if not I will fall into a deep depression and I cannot afford to do that. So I choose every single day to be strong…. But not today.

Today I just feel like the system is not meant to work for people like me. Today I feel like I would be better off somewhere else. Somewhere where the government makes sense of their actions and actually care about their citizens well being. Somewhere where I don’t have to worry about how much I would have to pay if my parents or I get sick, although we have insurance. Somewhere where I don’t have to worry if I will make enough money to pay for next semester in school, or enough money to stay afloat. Somewhere where I don’t have to force myself to be in a good mental place in order to fake another smile at work and pretend that I love what I do. Basically I’m asking to live in another planet.

At the same time, I feel so ungrateful, because although I feel the way I feel, I know deep inside that I am lucky to have the things I have today. I am lucky to be healthy, to have food everyday, to have a roof over my head, to have a job to help me get all of those things. But It has become so hard lately to see the positive side, to even want to build connections.. I used to love interacting with people. Now I don’t feel like I meet the standards to fit into this society.

It’s a sad day. I am still hoping and continue to hope that things will be better for me and my family tomorrow. I will keep trying to stay strong although all I want to do is crumble to the ground and cry myself to sleep.