clicks send on a text halfway through accidentally

me: i cant move, a cute animal is asleep on me

person: push it off

me: [enraged and offended] 

*watches shows while eating crunchy snacks* i cant hear shit

(plays the guitar)

Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad

(aggressively headbangs)

I WANNA WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS I WANNA WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS I WANNA WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEAAAART

a flourishing anus and happiness for you too

OH.

Why Accent Marks Are Important In Spanish Lesson 1

Do you know how hard I worked for us to have accidental eye contact

cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you

me: yeah he was not very friendly

So, I MEANT to say “oh crap, I left my phone in my car,” but what I ALMOST said was “oh no, I left my cone in my phar,” and damn, wouldn’t that have been embarrassing, but I caught myself, and what I ACTUALLY said was

“Ah, my fart cone.”

So anyway

This was a thrill from start to finish

Waiting for the midnight train going anywhere

guess who got two thumbs and

this guy

two thumbs and what

this guy

The only good news of 2016

*adjusts my tinfoil hat* y’all are crazy

do birds ever get sad that they dont have arms

Do you ever get sad you don’t have wings

every day :/

Actual mob boss Poppy.

(via Pine Marten coming out of drain! | Flickr - Photo Sharing!)

hello girls good news from the sewers

truth coming out of her well to shame mankind