Nation’s Moviegoers Declare War on Theaters
In a sudden fit of rage Friday, moviegoers across the country threw down their ten dollar popcorn, spat out their eight dollar sodas, and announced the commencement of a full-scale war against theaters. We have had enough, read the statement. From now on, we only buy tickets, nothing else. Also, we're not going to watch the pre-movie ads anymore. The spontaneous army of six-million film watchers issued the statement just as box offices around the country were preparing for another blockbuster weekend thanks to such mega-hits as The Dark Knight, Step Brothers, and Kung Fu Panda. Instead of greeting patrons anxious to buy junk food with three thousand percent markups, theater employees were barely able to escape with their lives as legions of angry fans stormed past the concession stands and into auditoriums without buying a single thing.