I'm Running - Ibukun's Writing Lounge
Looking through November 3rd, 2017 to November 3rd, 2018, I can tell you that a lot did happen in that span of a year. There were lots of lessons learnt, some kept and others discarded and one of the lessons I had to learn was understanding that, sometimes distractions look like pressure and sometimes, when the pressure becomes too much, you unconsciously find yourself questioning and vetting your values, precepts, modus operandi and the likes. Then you submit yourself to the overwhelming pressure and you begin to think that you aren’t running your race and when you actually feel like you are, you begin to question how you run your race that you not only begin to doubt but seek validation. A lot of times we tend to give up on our race because the expected results seemed to be delaying. Sometimes, we feel it’s wisdom to run our race, business, life, career, etc. the way other people who are obviously successful at theirs run it. At a point last year, I found myself unconsciously trying some things that other people do ‘cos I was made to feel like I was not ambitious, uninspiring and certainly possessed some dash of lassitude with the way and manner with which I went about doing my thing and running my race and in the process of giving into that pressure, I was also unconsciously giving up on my style and what I seemed to believe in. I allowed people’s words get to me. I allowed other people’s growth, received attention, success and achievements to be the yardstick with which I measured mine and I found myself constantly feeling not enough, never will be, may never make it and all other worse things any depressed and frustrated mind could come up with. At a point, my personality became conflicted to me but in the end, I learnt how to find my way back to me. I learnt how to trust anew every little thing I did and trusted to be here. I had to learn to trust again the Lord that held my hand, gave me speed and strength since I stopped holding my hands back from Him. I learned to trust myself anew, to believe that I am successful even before it begins to materialize. I forgave myself for the moments I called myself weak, moments I wished I was stronger, moments I wished I fought harder, moments I wished I was smarter, moments I wished I was more professional, moments I wished I kept my own promises to myself especially and others. Here I am, learning to take it one step at a time, doing my thing my own way like I exist in a space without pressure. Here I am with a full understanding that it’s okay to take one or two cues or more from other people and apply it to your own thing and create more chances and opportunities for yourself but I also understand that nothing keeps any of those things alive if you will stop believing in yourself and in your own style. Here I am, renewed in my understanding, that my definition of success doesn’t have to be universal or be understood by anyone – whatever gives me peace, fulfillment, happiness and freedom is success enough. I learnt a lot. I’m still learning. Still learning to be carefree. I’m fucking uptight cos I’m very protective of myself. I’m learning not to care about everything and everyone. I’m learning not to truly give two shits whenever I say that I do not. I’m learning to be me whether it makes you uneasy, unstable or distant cos las las, everybody has to be alright. I’m learning to take it easy on me. I’m learning to remind myself that I am running, I’m truly running. No one has to see it but I am. . . Till I come your way again, 💕 Ìbùkúnwrites. If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. ~ Marcus Garvey. Related