What I think about during the songs at our concerts

Okay so, for some of the songs, I am just mediating on a feeling. But there are some songs that make me think of VERY specific people/ times in my life, and I thought it would be really special to share those with you!! These are some very personal details, but you guys know I am a very open person and I don’t mind sharing at all.

Hearts On Fire- I think of the last person I REALLY liked before I left California. It was his decision to end things, and that song describes how I felt PERFECTLY. Especially, “and it felt like magic / but I knew I couldn’t have it”. I think about the intense moments of romance and then the feeling of it all falling apart.. Unpacking the picture of us together when I got to Tennessee (see the poem on my tumblr, “minutes like mountains”, I wrote that that night..) and how I crumbled to the carpet in my new room, feeling it all so sharp and fresh.

Fall Back- I think of this guy I was really good friends with in California, and then we started liking each other and everything ended. (Scroll down to the poem “November third” on here) It was the worst thing I have ever experienced- losing a person who was not only someone I really liked and had strong feelings for, but also one of my best friends. That broke me so deep, I said I wasn’t gonna allow myself to fall for anyone for a YEAR.. That didn’t work so well lol but I actually did run into him at the grocery store in Malibu several times, so Fall Back REALLY gives me the feels!! Wahhhh!!

I’m A Mess- UGHHHHHH. I actually think of a few people for this one. I’ve definitely been “messed” with a lot- just got caught up with these cold, closed off people who send tons of mixed signals, and I end up feeling so confused, frustrated, insecure and rejected. I like performing this song cause I think of these guys and it helps me express that pent-up frustration!

A Lot Like Love- This song actually makes me think of one of my best friends a lot. She had a few situations where she was used by guys and watching her go through that KILLED me. There was one particularly horrible incident she told me about that affected me so much.. I went to the beach alone the next day and wept so hard thinking about what happened to her. I remember the sky was very stormy and the beach was empty and my heart hurt so much, thinking of how she felt. The line that always wrecks me is “I can feel him add my name to his list/ I’m nothing more than a number.” I really relate to that because there have been a lot of experiences I’ve had where I felt like the guy was just using me for emotional gratification, or the “ego boost” of having a girl in his life. That’s the worst feeling- utterly dehumanizing.

Easy To Forget Me- Oh man. This is probably the most relatable song to me in our set. I think about this all the time- I’ve had sooo many experiences where I’ve felt like my friends don’t understand me and they just forget about me. I almost always feel like I am too much- like my stories are too long, my thoughts too deep, my emotions too heavy. I feel like a misfit a lot- misunderstood and alone, like even the people who really love me and try really hard to be good friends to me don’t really “get” me. Sometimes I think I am an alien 👽. Lol. I think that’s one of the reasons I love God so much- the idea that He fully and completely understands my thoughts, feelings and intentions is refreshing- a life saver. I’ve been forgotten and abandoned by friends so many times, but one of the ones that really weighs on my heart lately is an old friend. I’ve known her since I was a kid, and I thought we would ALWAYS be friends. She’s an incredible person, but we have definitely lost touch over the last few years and she never really talks to me anymore. It hurts a lot. I think about her every single night we play this song on stage.

Move On- I think about the same guy I told you about for Fall Back. Story about this one actually: Christina made the demo for it in 2013, and I L O V E D the song so much, I put it on my iPod so I could listen to it. I remember so clearly - we were in New York for an awards show. It was November, really cold out. We were going to and from the event in a big limo, and I remember looking out the window at night and I wrote a poem that began “big cities are the loneliest places.” I was thinking of him. Things had ended just a few weeks before, and I was so raw, so broken. I had never felt a pain like that- losing a best friend, and someone I also had deep feelings for. That night when we got back to the hotel, I remember laying on the floor in the dark after everyone had gone to sleep, listening to the demo of “Move On” and crying as quietly as possible so I didn’t wake anyone up. I remember the hot tears and how they fell down the side of my face. Move On is one of my favorites from the Hearts On Fire mixtape because of the comfort it provided me in that moment. I will always think of him when we perform this song, and that moment in the hotel room in New York, two winters ago.

Before October’s Gone- THIS IS MY FAVORITEEEEE SONG FROM THE MIXTAPE!!! WAHHHHH!!! Two stories for this one :)) 1. I remember the first time I heard Christina playing it on the piano downstairs. She had told me that she was writing a song based on Dani’s experience of heartbreak and that Dani had written the verse lyrics. The first verse slays me, “Our phone calls got shorter/ and the nights they got longer/ you stopped replying/ and I saw you with her” I was upstairs when I heard her singing out the chorus “Maybe sometimes things just have to end.. Maybe sometimes, there’s just no explaining it.” I thought of Dani and how Dani felt and I felt sooooo sad for her. I remember crying upstairs and thinking “Wow, this is a really special song.” Then, onto my own experience of the song… 2. So, the last guy I liked before I left California (see Hearts on Fire notes lol 😜)… The night he told me “let’s just be friends”.. It was the night before I moved to Tennessee. And ironically, that week I had really started falling for him. I remember driving home from his parents house listening to Gravity by Sara Bareilles just a few days before, because it totally described how I felt- I really, really liked him, but I could feel him pushing me away; he was so cold and distant that last week and it KILLED me. So that night that he essentially rejected me, he gave me a little memento of one of our dates and I remember thinking “w0t m8???? Why would I want to remember this when you just rejected me ???” So I put on a smile when I said goodbye to him for the last time, but as soon as I got into my car I lost it and started crying really hard. This was actually the same day we released the mixtape and I had been listening to it obsessively, so as I drove away, I put on BOG. It was absolutely PERFECT for the moment! “Maybe sometimes things just have to end..” As I drove away, I may or may not have thrown the little “memento” out the window. Lol oops 😳

Good Enough- Wahhhhhhh. This song is probably the most personal. I mean it was written about divorce, and my parents are married and our family is doing good, but I always think back to my pre-teen/ early teen years when things were pretty rough in my fam, and the tense silences and coldness. When I was a kid, I remember feeling like it was all my fault. I think back to the fights and the bad times and feeling guilty, like if I was a perfect kid and I helped clean the kitchen and set the plates just perfectly and take care of my little siblings and just generally stayed out of the way, invisible yet perfect, then I could fix things. I think about anxiety, times when I felt depressed and hopeless and so restless I thought my skin would crawl off. If I didn’t have God, and the outlet of writing, I really don’t know where I would be… I have a large wooden chest in my room, stuffed with papers I have written poems and feelings on. I think, if those were still inside of me, who would I be?

You’re Worth It- This is the song where I am the most present onstage with all the people in the audience. I look out and I see people who are crying really hard, or who look like they’re trying not to cry cause they feel uncomfortable expressing emotion in public, or who are just very quiet and listening carefully to the lyrics of the song. I appreciate every single person there, no maybe what their reaction is. In this moment, I am usually crying and my shirt is stained with black tears (lol emo as m8) I am thinking about every single word of the song, and deeply feeling the message. My favorite line of the song, “You are not a burden, not a waste / you’re not a copy, can’t be replaced". I really relate to this line because I feel like a burden a lot. Sometimes I’ll just stand on stage hugging myself for a moment or two, as I relate to this song so much, too. I look out and usually at every show there is at least one person I know their personal story. And I can see the pain in their eyes as they think about times they felt worthless. This really touches my heart; I just want to make everyone better. I want God’s love to flow in everyone’s hearts, for them to all feel the peace that only He can bring. I know I can’t fix people, but for that moment, I can be present with them as they bravely express their pain in front of me. My favorite part is when I get to reach out and touch people’s hands during this song.. I always try to think healing thoughts and I pray for the person I am with. I look in their eyes and I really, really want them to know how good, lovable and beautiful they are. I want them to feel worthy and valuable. This song always makes me realize the true magnitude of what I am lucky enough to do. It’s so much more than what I could have dreamed of doing at twenty three- to reach out and touch people, to cry with them, to look them in the eye and think “You are worth it. You are valuable. You are loved. You don’t have to change who you are to be good enough. You already are.” And I really don’t care about anything else to be honest. I think award shows and photo shoots and “networking events” are boring as HECK. I don’t really like wearing makeup (or shoes for that matter lol) and the music industry as a whole depresses me. You’re Worth It is one of best things I’ve ever been a part of. Touring that song has been life-changing for me. It has healed me, inspired me and renewed me. I feel like I am a braver person, after many nights of experiencing that song and the power it has to touch my life and the lives of others.. GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!! My life is so rewarding, I really could not be more grateful!!!

Wow. If you actually read all the way to the end, we are pretty much close friends at this point. Lol. You are probably thinking “wow Kath cries a lot…” which is TRUE, haha. I’m a highly sensitive person and I feel things really deep. But I really like that about myself now!! I’ve accepted and embraced it and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I just wanted to thank every single person who has come to our shows. You really have no idea how much it means to me and my family to see you there, supporting us, allowing us to try to make a difference in a darkened world.

I love you guys!!!!

Sincerely, with love, Kath 💜