banging hoes on my yacht ✔

i deliver pizzas & sometimes funny things happen

I used to deliver chinese food and as a white woman I really learned that kids say the darndest things. Little kid came up to a screen door I had just knocked on and yelled “MOM THE FOOD DELIVERY IS HERE AND SHE ISN’T EVEN CHINESE” and then a little girl through a glass door yelled “MOM it’s a delivery GIRL!” She was so excited I broke that glass ceiling to under-the-table minimum wage for her

i call my parents and say ‘yeah i can’t do family stuff tonight, i got too much stuff to do for school’ and i e-mail my professor and say ‘i can’t do my assignments tonight, work got crazy’ and i text my boss and say ‘sorry i can’t work late tonight, i gotta some family stuff’ and through this triangulation of deceitful excuses i at last will be free

they should do emmys for gifs

i love how delusional some articles of clothing are, like you read the tag and its like “hand wash only/tumble dry on low” son you are a cotton tshirt. youre going in the warsh and whatever happens in there is in gods hands

when I was very young my mother told me “they’re going to try and teach you that we came from monkeys but that’s not true and you shouldn’t listen to them because we were made from god” and she was my mom and I was like 7, so I pretty much just went “okay, noted, anyway”

anyway like 2 years later evolution comes up in class and one of my classmates goes “is this the we evolved from monkeys thing?”

and I’m on Red Alert. this is what my mom told me about!

the teacher replies, “well, we share a common ancestor, but we didn’t evolve directly from apes. if you go back way before apes or people existed, you’ll find a different third thing we both came from. we know this because of things like fossils”

and I was like whoo! dodged a bullet there, good thing my 4th grade science class isn’t trying to teach us we came from monkeys and instead figured stuff out using fossils and taught us that instead :)

Instructions Unclear, Ended Up Believing In Evolution Anyway

not to propagandize for degenerate lesbian polyamory but your girlfriend offering your mouth to another girl like she’s offering a fresh towel to a guest is one of the hottest things you will ever experience

of note that I’ve been told by multiple women that I suck dick like an insane person so it’s not just any towel. it’s the Good Towel™

started sending bird facts to my math teacher anonymously

Tries to throw a punch at you and accidentally grabs your penis and starts jerking you off real good

this is what is happening between us when i like your vent post

When u fart and his cum shoots out of your pussy like a squirt gun in your panties 🤌

I GOT A FUCKING RAISE THE POTATO WORKED WTF

This potato works. Every. Fucking. Time.

the best thing about the moon and the sky and the stars is that while you can't ever take a picture of them that does them justice......you don't need to. they're gonna be there tomorrow

a dude came into the library stoned out of his mind and was like, “do I need a library card to look at books?” And I said, “to take books home, yes. To look at them, no” and he looked so relieved. bro was staring at a fish encyclopedia for like an hour and then just left.