me: [finds a scratch i don’t remember getting] me: [the x-files original 1993 opening theme.mp3]
NEW DRAGON UNLOCKED: SEASMOKE
Caraxes, the Blood Wyrm House of the Dragon - 1.02 “The Rogue Prince”
Caraxes in Action!
i fucking love dragons
the solar system is probably most purely, simply fun exploratory experience humans will ever get to have, because there’s nobody there! there’s no colonialism and we don’t have to worry about aliens yet, so its just. fun!
we just land a robot on an empty planet and make it do wheelies and every few days we find like a cool rock and scientists yell about it on twitter
I just had the best encounter with a child at Kmart. I was in the aisle shopping, and this girl and her dad come around the corner. The girl sees me and excitedly exclaims “There’s a human here!!” to which the father replied “Yes, there’s humans everywhere.”
bro do you realize you met aliens
hoofbitch
not unusual for a kmart
what the fuck is a kmart?
i have followers on this app???
i love all three of you
How come reading tea leaves is seen as this sophisticated, witchy thing but if I slam dunk an open can of Chef Boyardee ravioli onto the pavement in the gas station parking lot to see what kind of soda the old ones think I should buy, foodstuff divination suddenly isn’t cool anymore?
i have to tell you something that will lower your entire opinion of me
when i was 12 i made flyers for my fanfiction and handed them out a train station
im blown away by the sheer confidence this act required. if anything my opinion has been raised. the poise. the fearlessness. the laughing in the face of death. i’m speechless
where’s the fic op
wish customer service jobs operated w video game standards, so a customer would come up to me and i’d say “greetings traveler! looking to trade?” and they’d only had 4 options for their response
i’d just stand there wiping down the same part of the counter for 8 hours until my shift ended and then id drop everything and walk away and if you tried to interact with me i’d just keep running into you silently until you moved
me walking into the grocery store to buy everything bagels
Hohoho! I like this post! If I made it i would have written ginger ale instead of everything bagels but that’s fine that you wanted to make a post about bagels instead of ginger ale this time around I get it
updogonline
me going back to the grocery store because i forgot ginger ale
Hohoho! What a great post friend! I love the part about ginger ale!!!
it’s ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, “i’m gonna go for a bike ride.” and i was like “why. no. why. don’t put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey. don’t do it.” so he says he doesn’t want to “hide in the house” because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. “the sun is shining” does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this morning
@robotmango, you need to work for the weather forecast - this was both hilarious and so vivid it made me stand up and get some iced tea.
this is a great idea, thank you. here goes. my audition tape for the weather channel. dearly beloved. we are gathered here today to have a fucking funeral for the outdoors. it had a good run, with all its creeks and clouds and shit. pretty great. now it’s ten-thirty at night but still ninety-two asshole-sweating degrees and humid as fuck. everything is hot and slimy, like being a “borrower” that got trapped inside a bottle of shampoo and then accidentally microwaved. you can see on my doppler radar that nothing is moving around out there because everything is probably dead. the only alive thing is the mosquito currently trying to drill a hole in my leg. no surprise that all the shitbag mosquitos are fine, since the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature. this forecast has gotten away from me a little, but in conclusion fuck the sun
it’s ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, “i’m gonna go for a bike ride.” and i was like “why. no. why. don’t put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey. don’t do it.” so he says he doesn’t want to “hide in the house” because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. “the sun is shining” does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this morning
can no longer listen to criticisms of how dumb people are in horror movies because it’s been half a year of a pandemic and we still can’t convince people to do something as basic as putting a piece of cloth over their face.
do you ever just want to disappear into some mountains? you ever just wanna delete your entire electronic footprint and be completely unreachable? you ever just want to stay in a cabin far from any civilization and drop off the face of the earth for a while?