all i know is vulnerability, i don’t know how to hide that or not be when i feel love. and i always end up involved with or around people in life who view it as embarrassing or pull away because of it. i just wish i had a soft landing somewhere, a space to give n receive that back abundantly. a soft touch, a safety net. the sharpness has been hurting so much.

it’s like you’re small and you’re always loved and people are tender with you and then you grow up and suddenly it’s okay to treat people unkindly without a second thought because they made choices that apparently warrant it. i keep wondering why i picture my family leaving me as a child behind while they go and do things as a family without giving me a second thought and maybe it’s because i still see her every time i look at my face in the mirror. i don’t even know who im looking at, i’ve never felt less like myself and she makes me uncomfortable

i feel so alone and numb that my bones ache. would give everything i have for the option to just not be here anymore

either way i end all of my nights alone

am i unlovable because of mental illness, am i unlovable even without the mental illness. i don’t know what it feels like to not always be grasping at something. love, care, affection, direction, fulfillment, my dream life, even just a sliver of my dream life. i’m just so tired of longing and living deeply unsatisfied. nothing fills me up, i never get my fill. i don’t even want to try to feel it anymore

i know everybody thinks ‘she was prettier when she was skinnier’ but not even that can outweigh anymore how nice it feels to not be 24/7 a prisoner in my own body and mind