Stephen Colbert and Stephen King concoct a scary story

Best Trump shade I’ve seen so far

Just once, I want the hero to go “your wife/sister/mother/whatever would not have wanted this!”, and the villain to go, “actually, we talked about this a lot. She was really into vigilante justice and eye for an eye stuff. She always said, if something like this happens, avenge me.”

“Your mother never would have wanted this!”

“Wow you clearly never met my mother.”

“Your wife wouldn’t have wanted this!”

“To be honest, I’m following her list of instructions. Do you think I came up with this plan by myself?”

“Your sister would be so disappointed!”

“Yeah, that she’s not here to do this to you.”

*checks bag* OK it’s there *closes bag*…. *2 seconds later* okay but is it REALLY there *checks b

This is the meme content I like to see

let me tell u something chefs love memes about how a kitchen works and this one caused my entire kitchen to riot and my head chef sent it to all the area chefs in the company

if it’s not a “my parents adore you” and “my sister asked if you were coming to her soccer game” or even a “babe you are doing so good, i can’t wait to see how far you’ll go in life” kinda love then i don’t want it

most common thought: damn haha im going to have to deal with that sooner or later

*prays that I instantly become hot at 18*

*ok let’s shoot for 21*

oh my god

What if you were dating a moth prince and living in his kingdom and he knew how out of place you felt so he made you dozens of silk dresses and blankets and gave you lots of fuzzy shawls and scarves so you wouldn’t stand out so much and always said you were so beautiful you were glowing and occasionally bump right into your face because it was a little joke and he would pretend you were a light bulb and give you tiny kisses

Half of me is like “what the fuck am I looking at” and the other half finds this inexplicably adorable and good.

@shirosucks

This is cute, but I feel like your moth bf would have the uncontrollable urge to eat all the scarves he made you.

It’s actually only moth larvae that eat fabric!! So maybe he would do it when he was nervous without realizing it because it’s still a habit from when he was just a bab….

This is bootleg Bee movie

@pinesmoke

When life gives you lemons, combine their DNA with a prehistoric mosquito that was preserved in amber and create the Tyrannosourest Rex.

It’s been a while since dennys got me to say what the fresh fuck

fun fact

im weirdly knowlagable in the history of soda i dont even drink soda why do i know so much about it

coke and pepsi taste different because coke was invent before refrigeration so it was designed to be drunk warm, while pepsi was designed after refrigeration was invented so it was designed to be drunk cold. as a result the tastes are different but if you drink pepsi cold and coke warm theyll taste the same.

Why the fuck do you know this

i honestly have no idea

coke’s recipe was originally green but the designers made it brown so it looked more like tea

Had they never seen green tea?

i dont even know if green tea was invented in 1886 but they wanted to make the public more open to eating the fizzy drink

Green tea was invented in the 13th century and made up 22% of the tea thrown off the ship in the Boston Tea Party 

alan i know about soda not green tea

garlic memes??? i feel like his has such a niche audience but i feel it

I just farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

What song is this Nicki verse from?

let’s play a game called “are you staring at me because im hot or ugly”

That’s why I’m taking my sweet time with that relationship shit.

We gon be friends first for a long time, we gon date for a long time, we gon develop a proper understanding of each other first before we jump into titles and introducing people to each other and etc cute shit people do for the look of it.

Because if they can’t be patient with me while we figuring each other out then it’s a dub.

This! People are too damn quick to jump into relationships and wonder why that shit didn’t work out

so my dad went boating and he sent me this video…😂

OHHHHHMYGOD GIVE THIS MORE NOTES

it’s 4 seconds just uNMUTE IT AND LISTEN

Dad Joke has hit maximum overdrive

I love when you can still smell him on you after he’s already gone

Dick breath is everything

i love when you can still cough up his cum after he’s already gone

to add to this “humans are weird” thing did you know that humans are the only species on earth with the ability to throw things with any significant degree of accuracy and force (apes can throw with about the force of a human ten year old, but cant lock their wrists well enough for accuracy)

and we just never really think about it bc its so easy and simple to us that pretty much all of our sports are based around the concept of throwing things accurately

so what if the concept of projectile weapons takes most species FOREVER to get the hang of, or even come up with in the first place. a human goes onto a ship and throws some trash into the nearest reclaimer, shouts “kobe!” and all the other aliens on board absolutely LOSE THEIR MINDS

I definitely didn’t know this about humans but it’s actually really neat