We watch a little girl about my daughter’s age while her mom works. A real cute, sweet thing who only communicates by humming and smiling and waving. Precious beyond words and so, so gentle.
She has this odd quirk where if you tell her “no,” which has only happened about twice or three times in the month and a half we’ve been watching her, she freezes and looks like you’ve ripped her little heart out and stomped on it. We have since tried to avoid saying it because she looks so upset and scared.
Today we found out why and my heart is breaking.
When her mom dropped her off, the little girl saw our neighbor’s potted plant on the doorstep. She went over and ripped a leaf off, because she’s a child and doesn’t know better. Her mom told her “no” and hit her hands. The girl immediately lost her smile, became very reserved, and didn’t want to come in and play, where usually she bounds up the stairs to see her best friend (my daughter).
Later in the morning, I was watching as our little friend tried to take something out of my daughter’s hands, so I told her “no-no” in a gentle voice, just as I do to my daughter when she’s trying to take something. She jumped back and held her little hands, and looked absolutely terrified. I immediately knelt down to offer a hug and tell her sorry, but she flinched away from me and was scared to let me touch her. So I just talked to her soothingly and eventually put a hand on her arm and rubbed it softly, and she launched herself at my neck to hug me and demanded I hold her off-and-on throughout the rest of the time she was with us today.
This tiny child is afraid of getting her hands hit when she hears the word “no.” It doesn’t leave bruises when her mom does it, it doesn’t even leave visible redness or marks, but it has absolutely left a mark on this tiny baby’s mind.
How is a child supposed to know why they’re not allowed to hit when you hit them? How is a child supposed to know why the person they go to for comfort is suddenly trying to make them uncomfortable and scared? How is fear and pain a teaching tool? And if it’s not about hurting or scaring them, why do you have to hit them at all? Because they don’t like it– and why don’t they like it? Because their trust in you is being undermined, because they’re afraid, because it hurts in their heart.
This little girl can’t even talk, but she hears one word and instantly freezes up and feels terror because the hands that are supposed to help and comfort and hold her suddenly turn into something scary, and she doesn’t understand why.
My husband and I had a good cry about it, but I’m still just sad, and mad. That sweet little thing who beams and hums and giggles when she sees us in the mornings, who runs up to my daughter and gives her little bunny kisses, who takes my finger and leads me around the house just because she wants me to hang out with her…
Don’t hit kids. Spanking, swatting, whatever you want to call it– a) it’s been shown to actually increase problem behaviors, and b) it’s wrong. Why do you have to put a hand on a child to teach them? If it hurts, that’s wrong- we don’t hurt people to get what we want. If it doesn’t hurt, then what are you doing it for?
And I guarantee you it does hurt, even if it’s not physical. The look on that little girl’s face is going to haunt me for a long, long time.
Discipline is the goal- teaching, not punishing. And hitting, no matter how soft, doesn’t teach. Rather, if it does, it teaches the wrong things.
