Humans Are Weird

Ayup, jumping on the bandwagon

So, humans are weirdly aware apex predators with crazy survival instincts (though sometimes we seem like we might not have any)

There’s been talk before about predictive behavior and pattern recognition, but what about the ley lines?

And liminal spaces?

We will swear up and down about not messing with the Fae, have so many stories about things that happen, of those you do not speak of  lest they take it as in invitation

And disassociation?

And gods beware if of what happens when a damn human dissociates while walking in a liminal space, taunting things their alien companions are hissing at in fear and worry; ‘where did you pick up this human, why did you let them off the ship for krellnak’s sake put that back!’

Humans using peripheral vision to dodge incoming attacks and casually throwing an incendiary device over their shoulder into the enemy without looking, grabbing an injured companion and walking (seemingly) calmly to a med clinic.

Humans who sit for hours or weeks alone in their quarters, refusing to give an explanation afterward

Yanking smaller alien partners up with one hand before they step in something unpleasant

Warning about incoming attacks or foreseeing something, their alien friends staring in wonder and confusion because how could they possibly know about that? Being treated with suspicion at first because of worry about double-crossing spies, human rolling their eyes and explaining yet again about gut feelings, and instincts

Another human pulling aside the commander to explain in whispers about humans who do have abilities, who practice the Craft

Humans explaining about different religions, about those who don’t follow one faith or another, ones who shrug and point at the windows and smile, saying, “Well, we found each other, other life among the stars, who knows what we might find next? Isn’t it exciting?”

Restless humans who pace along the viewscreens, impatiently badgering technicians about how far they’ve gone, where are they going next, how does that work?

Humans who, once they’re on planets, fall to their knees and stay that way for hours, and no, they don’t require a medic, they just want to stay here for a bit.

Humans who are constantly exploring everything, being called up and questioned about their whereabouts, how did they even get there? They shrug, saying they were learning

“Learning what?” Asks the alien leader

A smile, baring teeth that remind them that humans are omnivorous predators. “Everything we can.”

Okay, so like how when sheep/kids baaa at you and you baaa back and they all baaa again?? How would aliens react is if a human on their mission started making the creatures noise back at them until they all doing it.

Well…

The mission was fairly simple in Grutona’s mind: follow the tracks of certain creatures and use environmental clues to discern aspects of the creature’s lifestyle and needs. The group had been following the large, octagonal shaped prints of a swutonaton for the past several standard hours, and up to this point, they still hadn’t actually encountered the beast.

Good. Grutona was not keen on being eaten alive today, which would surely be the result of disturbing the beast. Protocol on the mission was to leave should contact be breached with any species that was not fully documented.

However, there was one member of the team that made Grutona worry. Maria seemed to take things like Protocol as more of a… guideline. Already today Maria had disregarded rules about eating wild tree fruit claiming “they have these on my planet, don’t worry!” Grutona did worry. Especially when Maria added: “Besides, they’re delicious.” Grutona knew what type of treefruit Maria was eating, and xhe was skeptical of the claim. These deadly fruits humans called “lemons” were HIGHLY acidic and sour. On xer home world, a fruit like that would be used by deadly criminals as a poison.

Needless to say, having a human on the crew had been an eye-opening, mind-boggling experience. Grutona was learning more about universal cultures on this mission than ever before, that was for certain.

It was a few more minutes of walking along the path, Grutona taking note of the way the plant life was smashed down to the side of the path of the tracks as if the swutonaton had stopped for a time and rested.

“Ah, so it appears swutonaton are a restful breed, and likely a predator species as evident by their choice location being one leaving them so vulnerable.” Kerip, another member of the team, said this clinically, xis eyes dilating further as his species was wont to do in order to get a magnified look at things. As he was examining he spoke to his partner, Bepin who recorded xis observations on a datapad.

There was a noise further down the trail, strangely like a yawn. Grutona looked over cautiously. Maria was gone. Grutona frowned and made toward the sound hoping it was just Maria doing some sort of human thing xhe was unfamiliar with and not the beast hiding in the plant life beyond planning an attack on the mission crew.

But when had luck ever been on Grutona’s side?

As xhe rounded the bend in the trail xhe was met with the horrifying sight. Xhe would have screamed if it were a characteristic of xer race. Instead, xhe stood there in shock.

Maria stood in front of the creature they were tracking all right. The only thing was, the team was entirely wrong about what they thought they were following here. They had assumed the animal was very large, at least nine or ten times the actual size of the creatures in front of them now. And creatures they were. There were at least fifteen of these creatures and they were all piled atop one another, drooling heavily, spiked tails and trunks laying anywhere. 

“I’d definitely call this a dog-pile.” Maria chuckled, completely unconcerned at the reality that basically everything they had assumed about these creatures was wrong. Maria turned to look at Grutona, eyes gleaming in mischief. “Guess we were wrong about the elephant-sized animal with forty pig-sized feet, huh?” Grutona said nothing, still reeling. They needed to leave, Protocol demanded it, and they needed to go soon before more of the creatures woke up as one was doing now.

“Hey, look! They’re starting to wake up! They’re so cute!” Maria took another step closer to them, making cooing noises as Grutona watched in horror as more of the swutonatons started to rouse. Footsteps behind xer alerted xer to the rest of the team arriving to the scene finally. 

There was a moment of stunned silence before an exasperated sound came from Bepin and Kerip started mumbling in astonishments about all the things they had wrongly ascertained. 

“We should leave,” a voice of reason finally called from the back of the group: Teriwald, the ranked officer from the ship who had been tasked with “protecting the scientists” on the expedition.

Grutona found xer voice again, finally. “You’re–”

There was a sudden, loud sound from the pile of creatures “Meeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrm.”

“Okay, that was the greatest thing I’ve ever heard,” Maria was watching the herd of swutonaton with complete adoration in her gaze. Grutona had been warned to be wary of humans when they assumed a look like this one. There was no telling what kind of things they might do next. 

Whatever Grutona had expected, it was not what Maria did next. Maybe xhe thought she would have started running in circles around the group or walk over and touch one, but xhe certainly did not predict that  Maria would raise her arms in imitation of a swutonaton trunk and repeat the noise back at them in perfect imitation. “Meeeeeeeerrrrrm!”

“What are you doing, we need to go!” Teriwald reminded in an increasingly demanding tone. 

“Calm down, Waldo, we’re fi–” Maria was cut off by several cries of the swutonaton calling back at her.

“Meeeeeerrrm!” 

“Oh, this is too good!” More of the swutonaton had stirred now, and they were climbing off of each other and standing in a herd before Maria who laughed and made the noise again. 

“Meeeerrrm!”

“MEEEEEEEEERRRRRM!!!” The entire herd of seventeen (Grutona had counted in xer moments of horror earlier) swutonaton were now calling back at Maria’s prompting. 

Nobody on the team said anything as they all watched in rapt attention Maria and the herd of swutonaton yell at each other for the next ten standard minutes. 

Humans, Grutona concluded, still half horrified, are weird.

I cannot understand why anyone would want to fuck a Pokémon when the Pokémon world is canonically bountiful with hot empty-nest moms whose husbands are absent or nonexistent

Is this a trick question or something?

let me know when the player character's mom is a salazzle, then we'll talk

boss i think you posted to the wrong blog again

Sure do hope I'm saying something normal the next time I do this.

10 year old college humor sketch that i watched at 1am last night and have since watched five more times

@annieisyourfavourite

"dual wielding is too dangerous and impractical to be effective in real life combat" dual wielding is cool and sexy and sick as fuck and he who makes his enemy look like a lame little punk ass loser has already won half the battle before he even starts fighting the war. sun tzu said that.

And Gerardus Mercator! Dee was one of the most well connected members of English society at the time. At some point, he probably encountered every influential European intellectual of the 16th century.

Also to clarify the legality of magic shit in 16th century Europe:

The Astrology Problem was that you needed people skilled in astronomical calculation to do unobjectionable and useful things like "figure out when Easter is this year," but those people needed to get paid and the easiest side gig they could get into was casting horoscopes. Cue another front in the like even then 1500 year old astrology wars opening.

I think franz kafka’s letter to his abusive father is one of the best early works of domestic violence literature and I wish we all talked about it more.

[“We were so different and in our difference so dangerous to each other that if anyone had tried to calculate in advance how I, the slowly developing child, and you, the full-grown man, would stand to each other, he could have assumed that you would simply trample me underfoot so that nothing was left of me. Well, that did not happen. Nothing alive can be calculated. But perhaps something worse happened. And in saying this I would all the time beg of you not to forget that I never, and not even for a single moment, believe any guilt to be on your side. The effect you had on me was the effect you could not help having. But you should stop considering it some particular malice on my part that I succumbed to that effect.”]

[“Hence the world was for me divided into three parts: one in which I, the slave, lived under laws that had been invented only for me and which I could, I did not know why, never completely comply with; then a second world, which was infinitely remote from mine, in which you lived, concerned with government, with the issuing of orders and with the annoyance about their not being obeyed; and finally a third world where everybody else lived happily and free from orders and from having to obey. I was continually in disgrace; either I obeyed your orders, and that was a disgrace, for they applied, after all, only to me; or I was defiant, and that was a disgrace too, for how could I presume to defy you; or I could not obey because I did not, for instance, have your strength, your appetite, your skill, although you expected it of me as a matter of course; this was the greatest disgrace of all.”]

hey girl are you a boy. would you like to be

oh my god this is literally just the plot of ouran high school host club isn't it

“It's just a small handful of ibuprofen, and it will help the words fade away."

we passed a sign in boring that said their sister city is dull, scotland

oh there's a third! bland, new south wales!

oh fuck I thought the intro to today's Money Stuff was going to be a metaphor for some crypto bullshit but no an actual metals futures market was backed by actual bags of rocks.

Ea Nasir Bullshit

THEY LITERALLY VAGUE EA-NASIR IN THE ARTICLE ITSELF ASDFGGHKGJKLSH

Wow, I knew Reagan did a lot of stuff that turned out bad, but I didn't realize it was "you can clearly see on the charts when his presidency was" bad

hey look it's my whole life

Somebody do this for the Margaret Thatcher and the UK

i’m starting a collection

the collection grows!!!!!

found this in the comments of a blazed post n im keeping it for future use

Meow meow meow meow

The spirit of Diogenes is alive and well

This is funny, obviously, but even if you don't go to the extreme of the example above, this is a separate seat for one person, with a back and 4 legs:

But it's not a chair. It's a bar stool.

This, however, are all chairs:

Each one is missing at least one component of the chair definition above.

So like... it's almost like strict definitions are exclusionary.

Reblog to hit a transphobe with a separate seat for one person

Guys, we've talked about this.

You need to give your domesticated wading ghosts larger death pools. I understand if you can't find a real Well, but you need an enclosure at least 5 times the size of the spirit itself.

animals are celebrities to children. children are like "i love this guy" when they see an animal

serious birdwatchers are like this too. they will be losing their absolute goddamn minds over a rare sighting which to everyone else is like. a generic seagull