DrifterofTheGods

I've been in a really bad spot lately. Don't know what to do. Does it really matter? I try so hard. I just can't cry. I need to but I'm empty. Who cares. Quit your whining. I am free. But thoughts of being locked up are always present. The fear of going back. im so tired. I'm so alone. I wanna get high so bad. But I know I can't. One really bad relapse in 2 and a half years isn't so bad. I miss my son. Want to hug him so fucking much. Being with him would pretty much save me. I've let him down so much. What if he ends up hating me? I hated my father, why not he He hate me too. Tomorrow will come in a noxious sunrise. I will feel old and weary. I will feel all of yesterday's pains again. Every. Single. Day. I think about killing myself. Its the first thought that pops into my head every morning. It's all too much. I feel like I'm always and forever worthless. I feel like no one could ever love me. Every single day of my life I just want to die. But.. but.. But every single time I say these words out loud. I say them even though I hate myself and want to die. Even though I want to get high so bad I dream about Meth almost every night. Even though my ex won't even let me talk to my son on the phone. Even though I've been sober for over 2 and a half years and I want drugs so badly. Even though I'm doing the right thing, working, staying out of trouble, and every little fucking nightmare parole makes do with absolutely no fucking sense of accomplishment. Even though every single day I just don't want to wake up it's as simple as that. I say to myself. For myself. By myself as always. With no hope for tomorrow. Not today Joshua. Not today. Not today motherfucker. Quit your whining. Get your shit together. And somehow, it fuckin works. I'm still here.

I WIN So soon and broken

My thoughts awoken

But they've spoken

Too soon today

I wish you'd stay

Always gone and away

I'm coming undone

No place to run

My world is spun

I give the fuck up

I've spilled my cup

My fountains erupt

Time for death to come

I'm ready for some

I've been really dumb

I got the pills

Time to pay these bills

A painless kills

I guess some will miss me though

Be hard for them to let me go

I wish I could let then know

I don't wanna be me today

I've nothing left say

I've got these voices to pay

I can't do it anymore

My hearts to sore

I'm such a bore

Fuck it I'm gonna die

Don't ask me why

I don't wanna cry

I ate them you see

It's already done

The eternal sleep has begun

This is one battle...I actually...

Won

I feel the confusion rising again

The mind is dividing its essence

But definitely not equaly

Who opens the eyes? A mystery

Everything collapsing, like a neutron star

It unavoidable, undefined seperation

The glass pulsates, the mind quickens

You are the one whose seasons I love

But you've forgotten me and my turmoil

Is infinite.

The minds division, complete

Let's get ready

To die again

Now that will be happiness

I Believe there is nothing more grand, exquisite, and beautiful than the female form.