Untitled

Send help I’ve been laughing for 15 minutes the internet killed my sense of humor

I was expecting exactly that and was not disappointed

Justin: This is my character Taako and he’s a fucking idiot

Griffin: Hmmmm no, actually, he’s an incredibly competent wizard who was top in his class at magic NASA, so jot that down

Justin: K, so in his backstory Taako accidentally killed 40 people through his carelessness- 

Griffin: well, ACTUALLY, it turns out Taako was innocent all along! it was really his assistant who killed all those people because he was jealous of Taako, so, like, jot that down 

Justin: Okay, well before that Taako spent his childhood alone on the road, and he’s kinda paranoid cause he’s never had anyone to watch his back-

Griffin: BUT ACTUALLY HE HAD A SIBLING THAT LOVES HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING AND HAS BEEN WATCHING OVER HIM THE WHOLE ADVENTURE AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO REACH OUT TO HIM SO J O T  T H A T  D O W N

#Justin: so here’s my wizard he’s Awful#Griffin: excuse you taako has done nothing wrong ever in his life and i love him

Griffin’s real ass real world father: This is my character Merle and he’s a deadbeat dad who screws up pretty much constantly

Griffin, the son of this person: Hell yeah he is

#travis: heres magnus i love him also hes me #griffin: cool describe his death

like fuck jk rowing her battle of hogwarts doesn’t hold a CANDLE to the battle of olympus in percy jackson….. annabeth instinctively taking a knife for percy that would’ve hit his achilles spot bcuz she just knew….. silena dying after masquerading as clarisse to convince ares cabin to join the battle, revealing in the end she was the spy and caused the death of her own boyfriend…. kronos being defeated after percy realizes he’s not the hero and gives luke annabeth’s knife which he uses to kill himself…. percy being offered immortality and instead asking for the gods to from now on recognize all their children so no one ever feels unwanted again….. TELL me u didn’t absolutely go feral reading this for the first time in 6th grade or whenever

Don’t forget Clarissa going fucking nuts at sight of silena dieing and solo’d what was basically an elder dragon to which she chained its 2 ton carcass to a chariot and rode it into battle…

These vines are my life

i am on the fucking floor DYING

Let us watch as this man’s life devolves

This video reads like this man has been placed under a curse and he is physically incapable of resisting the cup shuffle

“we don’t really know how this stuff affects people” are you serious? TAKE WOMEN SERIOUSLY AND YOU WOULD.

honestly this illustrates perfectly the ridiculous importance of men standing up for women.

“this reblog is flagged as explicit”

guys are so weird sometimes

If someone says “it’s just a joke”, ask them to tell you why the joke is supposed to be funny

They’ll either say “it’s just a joke” repeatedly and louder each time

Or sputter and call you derogatory names

Or fumble over some pathetic explanation that makes no sense

Or if you’re lucky… All of the above

I’m watching that documentary “Before Stonewall” about gay history pre-1969, and uncovered something which I think is interesting.

The documentary includes a brief clip of a 1954 televised newscast about the rise of homosexuality. The host of the program interviewed psychologists, a police officer, and one “known homosexual”. The “known homosexual” is 22 years old. He identifies himself as Curtis White, which is a pseudonym; his name is actually Dale Olson.

So I tracked down the newscast. According to what I can find, Dale Olson may have been the first gay man to appear openly on television and defend his sexual orientation. He explains that there’s nothing wrong with him mentally and he’s never been arrested. When asked whether he’d take a cure if it existed, he says no. When asked whether his family knows he’s gay, he says that they didn’t up until tonight, but he guesses they’re going to find out, and he’ll probably be fired from his job as well. So of course the host is like …why are you doing this interview then? and Dale Olson, cool as cucumber pie, says “I think that this way I can be a little useful to someone besides myself.”

1954. 22 years old. Balls of pure titanium.

Despite the pseudonym, Dale’s boss did indeed recognize him from the TV program, and he was promptly fired the next day. He wrote into ONE magazine six months later to reassure readers that he had gotten a new job at a higher salary.

Curious about what became of him, I looked into his life a little further. It turns out that he ultimately became a very successful publicity agent. He promoted the Rocky movies and Superman. Not only that, but get this: Dale represented Rock Hudson, and he was the person who convinced him to disclose that he had AIDS! He wrote the statement Rock read. And as we know, Rock Hudson’s disclosure had a very significant effect on the national conversation about AIDS in the U.S.

It appears that no one has made the connection between Dale Olson the publicity agent instrumental in the AIDS debate and Dale Olson the 22-year-old first openly gay man on TV. So I thought I’d make it. For Pride month, an unsung gay hero.

dude had guts, someone needs to update his Wikipedia page

mistah bittenbinder… ive been thrown off my rhythm

he was taken to the secondary location

What actual friendship is like

no offense but yall gotta stop acting like its the end of the world if a bi girl ends up with a guy

but then there’s no cute lesbian-ness and that’s what makes it so gr8

Bisexual women are not lesbians, and do not choose their partners based on how appealing they are to you, you gross fuck

Iconic post

This is literally the most bomb-ass D&D story I’ve ever read in my life oh my god.

Holy shit ._.

Some RP sessions have better stories than actual fiction. I mean, goddamn.

For those having trouble reading the text:

We had a campaign in D&D where we assembled a steampunk-ish time machine. After many sessions travelling through time, uncovering mysteries and learning harsh lessons about changing history, we had to stop a time-travelling cult from destroying the gods, and therefore the world. We failed.

Our machine crashed, we were stranded earlier than we had ever been able to travel. We found the Gods, but only a few of them were present - it was as if some had never existed. Then we realised - we had to become those Gods. Our party was entirely divine (Cleric, Paladin, Avenger, Invoker), and each of us was a worshipper of a god who had been unmade - and we were the only people in existence with enough knowledge of the forgotten deities to assume their roles.

But two of the players were worshippers of Io (in his twin forms of Tiamat and Bahamut, who would of course form later after Io’s ‘death’), and only one could become Io. The other would have to be the un-created Asmodeus.

So the most just, honourable and dedicated Lawful Good paladin I’ve ever seen roleplayed became the god of tyranny and evil. If he hadn’t, the gods would never have defeated the primordials, and the world would never have been completed.

In our setting, Asmodeus is every bit the epitome of evil you would expect him to be. Nobody but the gods who abide his presence know him as otherwise. He adheres to his role because he knows he has to - and that in doing so, the world can exist. He can never tell anyone his duty, and no-one who knows can ever discuss it.

In the farthest recesses of the Nine Hells, in a chamber sealed tighter than any other in existence is a pocketwatch of finest gnome craft with a photo of his family in it - his wife, son, and little baby girl.

They were killed by an orc army marching under the orders and banner of Asmodeus. Their deaths are what drove him to become an adventurer.

chuck tingle, two time hugo award nominee and author of such erotica classics as ‘space raptor butt invasion’, ‘i’m gay for my living billionaire jet plane’, ‘bigfoot pirates haunt my balls’, and ‘there’s a bitcoin in my butt and he’s handsome’ just published a short story about the importance of consent and how it’s okay to have a loving relationship without sex if you want to??? 

that’s lovely on its own but it’s also called ‘not pounded in the butt by anything and that’s okay’, which is my favourite book title ever

I honestly thought this was a shitpost. This had too many words in it that dont make sense together to be anything less. But no. its real. this is the cover:

and this is the synopsis. from amazon. 

what a time to be alive.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

when you die and go to hell this is what the devil plays while kicking your ass

UNMUTE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

the lip syncing has me shook to absolute death

I was not ready

unmute this

I’m fucking crying with laughter right now, genuine tears in my eyes

a very good bit from MBMBAM episode 220

Transcript:

Justin: Beach tee shirts relax me now!

Griffin: We’re-

Justin: I don’t know what it is, I-

Griffin: We’re killing fashion, one shirt at a time. Take that.

Justin: I will, I - so, so sue me! It’s October in West Virginia, I’d like to live on island time for a day.

Griffin: You…

Justin: Cut me some slack.

Griffin: I have Spotify, open right now on my computer. Do you want me to blast you? [holding back laughter] Do you want me to put you on blast? ‘Cause I’ve got your history right here in the sidebar:

[Growing increasingly angry]

“Take It Back” by Jimmy Buffett,

“Nautical Wheelers” by Jimmy Buffett,

“Jolly Mon Sing” by Jimmy Buffett,

[Justin holding back laughter as Griffin continues]

“Steamer” by Jimmy Buffett!

“Treat Her Like a Lady” by Jimmy Buffett!

“Manana” by Jimmy Buffett!

“When Salome Plays the Drum” by James Buffett,

“Havana Daydreaming” [sic] by Jimmy Buffett. What the fuck happened to you?!

[Justin and Travis losing their shit]

Justin: I had a case of the Mondays!

Griffin: Are you haunted? Are you FUCKING POSSESSED? You used to be my BROTHER!

Justin: [holding back laughter] I had a case of the Mondays! I had those old Monday blues, and I was just trying to chase ‘em away!

Travis: I just want to remind people of the concept of the show, is that Justin makes up one third of the team, that feels qualified to tell other people how to live their lives-

Griffin: How to do fuck all!

[beat, quiet laughter and indiscernible chatter]

Griffin: [completely calm] You guys want a Ya- do you guys want a Yahoo?

Justin: [meekly] Sure.

YOU USED TO BE MY BROTHER

the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon

like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that

Counterpoint, my good man:

Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.

Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny

Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPER horny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano! 

There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair! 

Seriously!!! 

I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting 

you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post

OP is right and they should say it

Actually… 

As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs. 

Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and 

fuck the dragon. 

I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so

Y’all know free condoms is a result of gay activists who worked towards safer sex practices after the AIDS crisis right? Because if not it’s one google search away

Consider: both are important and should be free

I have a habit of waking up my boyfriend with news alerts but I think this morning I’ll let him sleep just a little bit longer before mentioning we’re officially back in the Cold War

*banging pots and pans together* YALL AWAKE YET

Um, what thE ACTUAL FUCK

“you can’t make a lawful good character interesting and enjoyable”:

Best friends

Holt: “This is my online chess partner.”

Rosa: *wide eyed and speechless*

Jake: “This is the best thing to ever happen.”