I lost everyone even myself.

Flashback #1

That time my “mom” dragged me out of the car and into the house by my hair and shoved my head under the faucet because she didn’t like the way my hairspray smelled.

*Feel free to share a flashback of your own.*

That time my “dad” hit me across the head and screamed at me when we were on a walk. I was six and had just thrown a snow ball at him. He said that I was being sly because I was mad.

That time my dad had a fit over the butter knife still having some butter on it and threw it across the room. Wedging itself into the cupboard by my sisters head, theirs still a hole there.

It’s a long story, but that time my mom dragged me up the stairs by my hair, threw me on my bed, climbed on top and just kept hitting. All over a pill bottle she was determined I had done something with.

She found it in her robe pocket a couple hours later.

That time my cat was missing so my mom hit me on the back of the head and screamed at me that it was my fault that he got out and that he was going to die alone and afraid outside because of me (he’s ok, we found him three days later hiding under a bush safe and sound)

That time my dad forcefully grabbed me, dragged me from my bedroom and down the stairs, and then screamed in my face that I was “acting like a fucking five-year old” because I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown and didn’t want to go to school.

that time my mom and dad drove me to the lake just to go through my phone, and they found a conversation i had with a girl i liked (i’m also a girl) and told me if i continued down this path i would go to hell which terrified me and prompted me to fake being straight for years. later they took away my phone all together, i was beaten with the belt until i gave them my passwords for everything.

We came back from another fun time at the pool, but it wasn’t so fun when I felt the back of my head. My hair had gotten wet under the cap, and mom was going to be mad at me again. I shut my door and my breaths quicken, my vision tunneling, that’s when my eyes glanced passed the scissors. Of course. She would never notice and she would finally be proud of me. I could finally do something right. Through wet tears and half assed breaths, I took the scissors to the back of my hair and snipped away huge chunks.

This was one of the reasons why I can never go into the pool, not without my anxiety going into high gear.

The time my mom choked me because I dared to have a growth spurt and needed new clothes because none of mine fit me anymore.

the times ive told my parents i think somethings wrong with me and they laughed and said it was a phase and i was immature

When my stepdad started to hug and caress me in ways that didn’t feel good, and I grew hostile towards him and started to avoid him as best as I could. Then he went to my teacher and complained (making sure I heard him) about me not liking P.E and asking the teacher to motivate me to exercise more. And when I got anorexia, the more I lost weight the more he complained about me eating too much and being a financial burden.

All the times my mother has grabbed my stomach, shaken it saying, “You’re poor belly.” while smiling. She would do this every time I had “too much food” in her eyes. Also all the times she called me fat, pregnant, flabby, etc.

That time my sister cut the heads off my teddy bears, locked me in my room, apologized with a smoothie and then dumped it on my head. The times I’ve been hit or manipulated for speaking my mind or calling out bullshit. Distracting my parents from my younger siblings by being the “bad child”. My family members talking shit about me behind my back or while I’m in the room and telling me I’m faking my disabilities. Being verbally abused into hurting my self by cleaning, cutting, or disordered eating.

That time I stood up for my friends when my guardian was verbally shitting on them while she was cooking and she got pissed off and when I tried to get away she pulled my leg and I fell and she pinned me down

That time I didnt want to brush my hair, despite it being severely tangled - I wanted it cut all off - so my stepdad spanked and hit me with a brush til I brushed it, to the point where I hit myself with the brush too to try and “please him”

That time we dared to reach out to support to the only person we felt we had in our lives that we could trust and they told us to “do it” when we talked about how suicidal we were.

The time I seriously hurt my foot in PE and my “dad” forced me the morning after to “just walk” a few steps (I couldn’t even bent my foot without immense pain because of my swollen ankle).

(Four years after that I still have problems with that foot but my parents got tired of taking me to the doctors.)

the time where my little brother accidentally split white paint all over the floor and my dad got angry and punched me

i remember trying to cover up the mark he made with my moms makeup 

When my mom got drunk, kicked my dad out of the house and then get pissed at my uncle for being at my house when she invited him over so she threw her phone against the wall and wouldn’t let me go to bed even though it was 10 o clock and I was 12 and should’ve been in bed. I had to call my dad to come get me

That time I tried to make a run for it when I was being “disciplined” and my mom tripped me and whipped me on the back with my belt, spanking me more after that and forcing me to still clean my room

that time i got in trouble (i can’t remember what for) when i was 8, and my mom screamed at me. she pushed me over and i hit the corner of my bed. i had a nasty green bruise on my temple for weeks and i had to tell my friends i fell over

That time I tried to talk to my dad about my dysphoria and emotional/mental problems and after not being able to convince me that it was all in my head and I should “just stop feeling like that” he screamed at me about how I’m a horrible child and he doesn’t wanna know me anymore then almost threw a plate at my head then continued to scream at me while hitting his fists on the wall.

The time my step-dad refused to give me or my sister breakfast until I gave him a handjob

That time my mom tried to kill me because i couldn’t eat her soup and my brother just laughed and my dad just watched

Those times my mother menipukated my anxiety disorder and adhd while also denying I had them to control me, when when I confronted her about it and how it felt, told me I was a horrible child and didn’t love her and that it’s my fault we’re struggling and I didnt know what I was talking about because “nothing is wrong with you, you’re just shy and annoying”

that time my mom hit me in the face, burst a blood vessel in my eye in the process, and tried to crash the car on the highway and kill us because she was mad at me for saying it “wasn’t that big of a deal” that the price tag fell off of a single piece of fabric she wanted to buy so she couldn’t buy it, and then she lied to my family and turned the blame onto me and my entire family forced me to apologize to her

when i was in second grade and my mom got mad I made too much noise looking for my shoes so she hit me in the head seven times in a row

the time she was yelling me and hit me in the chest so hard I stopped breathing

the time she hit me in the head while I was running away from her in the kitchen and knocked me out, and when I woke up she was still screaming at me

the time when I tried to get my brother up for school four times in a row but he kept ignoring me and going back to sleep, until we missed the bus, and my mom blamed me and screamed at me, took him to school, but left me stranded at home as punishment

having to wear the same clothes over and over again because my mom wouldn’t buy me clothes

starving because she wouldn’t buy me food

going to school with my shoes patched with duct tape because she wouldn’t buy me shoes

the time you hit me because when your kids beat me up one of my retaliating blows landed and left a red mark, and your kid went crying to you about it. someone told me off and kicked me on the way out because her slap had been hard enough to make me dent a spare wooden pool table nearby when my head smashed into it, and it was a rental

the time you locked me in the car with no food or water or warmth and when you found me the next evening you yelled at me for getting the sleeping bag out of the back because it was the middle of winter and I was 4

when I tried to get a snack in the middle of the night and you woke up and spent the rest of morning making me pay, the bruises didn’t fade for weeks and at the end of it you gave me the tiny cookie I wanted and told me you’d be around next week

when i was sitting on the stairs at 12am because I couldn’t sleep and you grabbed my arm hard enough it left nail marks, dragged me along the hallway banging me against every metal surface and lighting up half my body with carpet burn as you threw me back in and locked the door so I couldn’t leave

the time you were going to shoot her but I distracted you and you shot me instead. my shoulder still burns

the time I told someone I was suicidal and they told my mother and she spent nearly an hour telling me how pathetic I was and how other people have it so much worse and I’m useless and honestly, do I ever think of how talking about this affects her? what must people think of her now they know i want to die? what a selfish twelve year old i am.

That time my mother thought my 10 year old self was going to tell my dad about the way she hit me, so in the middle of the night she came into my room with a knife and threatened to slit my throat.

That time when there was a huge fight between my mom and dad. My mother was running with a knife in her hand trying to kill herself and my father tried to choked her so she would go uncoscious (I stopped him. Hit his back as hard as I could) and they were hitting each other and yelling all kind of stuffs, and I was screaming like crazy because I was like 11 y/o may be. I called my brother like 5 times and he never picked up, so I tried to call the police but forgot the number.

At the end my father called the police with his tshirt full of holes and scratches.

The police came and my friend’s mother came to pick me up to take me to school (yeah, they send me to school that day). I remember my mother on her knees begging for forgiveness to my father so the police wouldn’t take her. I remember seen all this from the car’s window and my hands were full of small cuts from me trying to take the knife away from my mom.

The next day I took a walk with my mother and a friend of hers and they were talking about what happened. My mother all angry and annoyed at me said: “even the neighbor came to see us because she heard the screaming. She (me) wouldn’t shut up! She was screaming like a fucking crazy!”

My father tried to choke you Mom, you were trying to kill yourself because he did something that hurt you a lot, I was 11…

This is a horrible memory that I can’t tell without bursting into tears. I’m 25 now and I can’t still tell this story out loud! Not even in therapy…

I still blamed myself… why did I have to scream so much?

This was one of the worst of their fights.

Plus I still have a lot of memories from all the times my mother beat me with the belt, slapped me, threw cups, plates and glasses of water at me. The times she dragged me out of school grabbing me from the hair. The times she slapped me infront of teachers and my friends and make me walk and say goodbye to them…

I have a lot of shit that I still can’t forget…

The time my father threw the heavy wooden kitchen chair at me because I dared to remind him of my friend’s birthday party on Saturday: he said he didn’t need “ a fucking reminder”. He told me to remind him 72 hours before hand. He ended up forgetting anyway, and verbally abused me the entire ride there. I was 11.

And the time when when my mother beat the shit out of me because I didn’t bring her a glass of water fast enough (I was outside speaking with my father about something, I can’t remember what. I never heard her calling me). She had never beat me that bad before, and if my older brother hadn’t pushed her off me, I don’t know what would have happened. I was 13.

That incident caused a domino effect of cps being called the very next day (by my brother), who did absolutely nothing to get my younger, disabled sister and I out of that situation. They were able to get custody of my brother transferred over to our grandparents, but not before spitefully having my brother 51-50-ed in retaliation of him calling cps, and having him forcibly institutionalized for a week before they realized nothing was wrong with him (which I didn’t find out about until years later). My aunt then had a restraining order placed on my mother for 3 years, not realizing that she (my mother) would prevent my sister and I from seeing them as well. We went from spending every weekend and holiday/vacation with my grandparents (literally any FREE time we had) to nothing for 2 years.

The restraining order was lifted a year early, because my grandpa, who was diabetic, got an infection in his foot and they had to amputate because it was turning into gangrene. However, the doctors didn’t notice the infection had spread up to his leg, and there was no chance of saving him. We got to be with him for 3 days before he died.

He had dementia. He didn’t even recognize me. I’m still not over it. I am angry about this every day.

He has been dead for 14 years, and I am still angry.

All because of a glass of water.

I was like 11, 12 and I was cleaning the pool. Using the long poll to get leaves out and I started turning to dump them over the deck. My dad was standing near by and I got a couple of drops of water on him and next thing I know he’s stomping towards me and grabs me by the collar. Next thing I remember is me lieing in my bed crying, and panicky.

the time where my mom chased me around the house, screaming at me and screamed even more when i made it into my room and pushed my body up against the door so she couldn’t get in, and when she did get in, pulled me by my hair and hit the back of my neck repeatedly, still screaming at me

The time my father hit me in the face because I didn’t wanna mow the lawn at the time bc I was hurting and then he said it was a one time thing

Then he got my siblings go harm me and make me feel worse and have them call me fat ugly stupid and then laugh left at me when I go anorexia and depression and then kept telling me that I was faking it all.

A few years later I tell him about how shitty he’s been to me and then he says that “oh you broke my heart my little GIRL hates me how could this be”

He thinks that my being genderfluid is a stupid childish thing than he chose to ignore and then making me feel worse about existing

My father sends my siblings to try and kill me and my mother bc we don’t follow his rhetoric.

You see here? This. All of this. See it. Read it. All of it.

Don’t ever forget these stories. Even the ones posted after this. Read and remember.

Sentences that trigger me because they got used frequently to abuse me.

Because I said so.

Go to your room.

You little shit.

You're just trying to rebel.

Oh stop. (With a sigh or a roll of the eyes so you're sure it's about dismissing you)

That's not ladylike.

Girls don't (insert activity).

You're such a tomboy.

Why are you trying to be like a man.

"Spoiled brat" "stop being such a baby" "you're pathetic" "go to bed"

And all of this, I'm just supposed to forget and make nice because FAAAAAAAAAMILY... 🙄🙄🙄🙄

"In the real world ..."

"Just do it."

"Its not that hard."

"Feral child"

"Lazy fuck"

"I get your emotional but..."

"Get a hold of yourself."

"Okay thats enough crying now..."

"Stop being like (insert sibling or parent)."

"What happened to you, you used to... "

"If you dont want to be..."

They’re not sentences but specific triggering phrases include-

“Spritual warfare” “Generational curse” and being accused of “wanting attention.”

My birth mother would minimize or reframe her abusive action to put herself in a better light and sarcastically add "-but I'm the bad guy."

Hearing anyone saying that phrase makes me immediately suspicious and want to run the other way.

"you're just like your father" (who was physically abusive to me)

"I'm sorry you hate me"

you're SO CLOSE yet SO FAR from understanding why or what that even implies, mom. with just a LITTLE more self-reflection, you'd probably actually come up with a real apology for me someday...

"You're a man"

"You're such a beast, why can't you just act like a normal girl"

"Hey fatty boom boom"

"Eat it"

"It's all your fault"

"Fat cow"

"You're just like your father"

"You disgust me"

"You're a waste of space"

"You were a mistake"

"I didn't plan you"

"You ruined my life"

"Read it aloud" - (mum would beat me for not being able to read well, especially aloud... Found out when I was 19 that I am dyslexic & have GAD)

Just the word "enunciate"

"Can I pick you up?"

"I'm going to pick you up!"

"You're so small!"

"You're so skinny!"

"You're a twig"

"You're bony"

"You're just skin and bones"

"You're so light!"

"You need to speak up"

"I can't hear you, you need to talk louder"

"You need to (insert activity) faster"

"Why are you so slow?"

"You're so slow!"

"You're always the last one to (insert activity)"

"Why won't you dance?"

"Be quiet!"

"You need to quiet down"

"Lower your voice"

"You're too loud"

"We need to talk"

"I need to talk to you about something later"

"I need to talk to you about something important"

"I'm not angry/upset at you, I'm just angry/upset about the situation"

Also, a lot of what other people have said above ^^

You are doing it to prove me a point

Just stop it

If I didnt care I wouldnt be screaming

Can you stop talking

You are really tiering as a person

I would be so much happier if you werent my _____(I really dont want to put down people in my life, so finish it how you want to)

How can you not eat

Why dont you just do (regulat thing enter here)?

If you can get As then you can also (eneter here)

I dont want to understand you

Can you stop being dramatic

That sounds nothing like you

No, you dont do that (after telling something personal)

Wow, if you actually have a problem with eating you would be smaller 

Its cause you dont listen what we are saying.

This are from very fifferent people in my life and they all hurted.

God, you’re so annoying.

You’re going to hell.

They ruined you.

She’s fucked up now. (referring to me)

You should kill yourself.

You’d look nice if you just lost weight.

You’re so dramatic.

Are you seriously gonna eat all that?

Stop being so lazy.

What’s wrong with you.

I wish I’d never had you.

Why do you always have to cause fucking problems? It’s not a big deal.

Stop acting like you have a terrible life. 

 I never did any of that. 

You just think you’re better than us.

God, you act just like _____.

You’re a sensitive person. I know you feel things deeply.

Fine, I guess I’ll just kill myself, then. Since it’d make you so happy.

When men tell me to “ just relax it’ll be okay

Flashback #1

That time my “mom” dragged me out of the car and into the house by my hair and shoved my head under the faucet because she didn’t like the way my hairspray smelled.

*Feel free to share a flashback of your own.*

Flash back to when I was a little girl and was told they needed to know what I was doing all the time so I didn’t have a door until they got uncomfortable that everyone could see me getting changed at 13 because my body changed and I had big boobs and my dad caught his workers watching and talking to me and I thought it was normal because they made it normal.

Flashback to when I was sobbing my eyes out in the living room and crouching and trying to be as small as possible when in the other room my grandpa was hitting my brother with a belt, screaming angrily and my bro just screaming and crying. my grandma was in the hallway screaming at my grandpa to stop. i wanted it all to stop i was so terrified. i was just 10, more or less.

Flashback to the time my dad ripped me out of my chair by my arm and dragged me upstairs and threw me in my room because I got caught lying by his ex on his behalf.

Flashback to the time when my mom called me an attention seeking brat when I came out and proceeded to degrade and disrespect me. She screamed at me until I cried and apologized to her then tried to pretend it never happened

Flashback #2 when my mom seen me bleed through my longsleeve shirt from fresh cuts when I was 13 she laughed saying “better cover that up”

Flashback #3 when I finally went through with my plan an attempted suicide by taking a bottle of pills and was throwing up so bad and was in so much pain I couldn’t nod out and woke my mom up balling my eyes out telling her please take me to the emergency ... all she had to say was “ don’t be fucken stupid then you shouldn’t of taken the pills “ I violently threw up in the bathroom all night .. she found my note after that was my final goodbye she ripped it up and called me a dumb cunt

Flashback #1

That time my “mom” dragged me out of the car and into the house by my hair and shoved my head under the faucet because she didn’t like the way my hairspray smelled.

*Feel free to share a flashback of your own.*

Flash back to when I was a little girl and was told they needed to know what I was doing all the time so I didn’t have a door until they got uncomfortable that everyone could see me getting changed at 13 because my body changed and I had big boobs and my dad caught his workers watching and talking to me and I thought it was normal because they made it normal.

Flashback to when I was sobbing my eyes out in the living room and crouching and trying to be as small as possible when in the other room my grandpa was hitting my brother with a belt, screaming angrily and my bro just screaming and crying. my grandma was in the hallway screaming at my grandpa to stop. i wanted it all to stop i was so terrified. i was just 10, more or less.

Flashback to the time my dad ripped me out of my chair by my arm and dragged me upstairs and threw me in my room because I got caught lying by his ex on his behalf.

Flashback to the time when my mom called me an attention seeking brat when I came out and proceeded to degrade and disrespect me. She screamed at me until I cried and apologized to her then tried to pretend it never happened

Flashback to the time when my parents filmed me when I was 3yrs old bc i peed in my pants and cried. They told me they’re going to show me the video when I’m older, so I can see what a pathetic child I was lol.

Flashback every time mom wasn’t home by 9pm after work I knew what that meant.. I knew to hide or push things against my door because I know in your alcoholic state I’m your biggest enemy since I can remember .. but somehow you’d still figure out how to bust down my door

What did I ever do to you? Why don’t you love me

Abusive parents have a lot of ways to silence their children. How do/did yours silence you?

Here are a few to help us get started:

- Talk over you

- Interrupt

- Mock you

- Gaslight you

All of these. All my childhood. Even now.

Huh, didn't realize the top two counted...interesting.

We got conditioned as children to think that us not being allowed any space to speak is just the way it's supposed to be.

Same @openblogtomyabusivemother! And now that I'm an adult, my parents ask why I don't talk much, but yet they continue to talk over and interrupt me.

My mom wouldn't just talk over me, she would yell over me. She doesn't do it now that I'm an adult, but she does wonder why I'm so distant

Beat me

THIS.

Total truth

THIS

Does the person who abuses you know they are abusive?

Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at chronic.survivors@gmail.com

He will admit to some moments of physical abuse but narrow it down to one or a small handul of times where I made him so angry that he lost his temper.

He will justify what he did with a ‘but’.

He will deny the severity.

He will deny the frequency.

He will deny all the emotional, psychological, financial and sexual aspects.

He believes that I got what I deserved.

He believes that he tried his best.

He believes that he tried to help me but I was too fucked up to save.

He would tell you that I was abusive and hurt his pride.

He will say I ruined his life.

This. All of this.

All of these… he knows I have (maybe, I’ve never been diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I have) PTSD from him…

He laughed and made fun of me for it 

This is Ann (“mom”) to a T.

Also sorry to my followers because I’m going to be reflagging a ton of shit about abusive parents, more specifically narcissistic mothers, because shit is getting bad again *yay*

This was very much how my abusive father acted. He could scream and throw things - including people - around, but if I even stepped one toe out of line I got called immature. It was never me who was the immature one; it was always him.

What have you always wanted to hear your parents say to you?

Mine are: You are smart. You are a good person. I am proud of you. I trust you. I know you are the kind of person who would never lie. I see how kind you are. I am so happy you are my child. I love you no matter what.

They never once said a single one of these things. And unfortunately, every day they told me the opposite.

Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at chronic.survivors@gmail.com

I’m sorry.

Dear Mom, I want to tell you...

Finish the sentence. Write many more after that if you want.

Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at chronic.survivors@gmail.com

i’m mad at you, and you scare me. let me go please. i’m not delusional i’m traumatized.

I’m glad you’ve grown. I’m glad I feel almost always like I can trust you with my youngest sibling now. You’re such a better person with her than you were with us oldest three.

But what you did to us hurt. It was wrong. I know you’re damaged, but that’s an explanation- not a justification. Nothing justifies making your kids scared of you. And I wish you could hear about how you damaged us, without making it about you. It can’t *always *be about you. It cannot *always* be about you! I wish I felt emotionally safe talking to you about this- being vulnerable. But I don’t.

I don’t want to hear how you tried your best. I don’t want to hear how you were abused too. I just want an acknowledgement that you know you mistreated us. I want you to recognize that I have a hard time asking anyone for help because you made me grow up way too fast- that I didn’t become overly independent and untrusting in a void.

I’m confused. You doing things and then denying them strongly confused me. And I’m mad that I need you.

I know now that everything you ever said to me was a lie. You never loved me; you only loved what I could do for you. You took away my sense of identity. You stole my childhood. You destroyed my health. You killed my soul. And you still deny every bit of it. 

Time won’t erase what happened.

I hate you. 

For the first time, I don’t feel guilty about it. 

I don’t even hate you, I’d rather use my energy for other things - what’s left of my energy, anyways. I don’t know what’s so enjoyable about using your own descendance to pass your nerves on, if it gives you a feeling of power or what, I don’t know if you realize you’re failing at making me feel more miserable than you, how you’re failing at convincing me I’m an unlovable failure, because despite everything you hurl at me I manage to stand up, make friends and enjoy life, and you’re becoming more cranky, lonely and bitter by the day. And soon, you’ll have no one but yourself to shout abuse at, because I’m gonna leave. I don’t know how you’ll manage without someone to pick up your trash and clean after you, and I don’t care. I’m gonna “leave you your space”, as one of my relative says, who seems convinced you’re the victim somehow. Probably the only person who doesn’t see clear about you. I don’t wish you harm or good, I don’t care. Soon you’ll belong to the past.

You gave me all these problems and most of them you won’t even acknowledge. “I don’t have an eating disorder,” you said, “I just don’t feel healthy at this weight so I’m just not eating to fix it.”

When I screamed at you, “I just want your approval, when I eat I make sure to throw it back up so you won’t think I’m so fat” you ignored me.

When I came to you about Dad’s abuse you defended him.

You tell me all the time that what I wear is ugly, that I’m ugly and overweight, then deny saying it.

You say you have to “walk on eggshells around” me. Meanwhile I make even one wrong step and you and I get yelled at for an hour or more by both you and dad.

You said you wanted to have a relationship with me when Collin took over front to protect me. He said “if this is how you’re going to be maybe we just shouldn’t talk anymore”

If you wanted a relationship with me you shouldn’t have abused me from day one.

You blame wanting to kill me on post partum depression.

Dad tried to kill him self when you were pregnant with me.

Neither of you wanted me but you were too cowardly to get an abortion. You didn’t even love him, you just wanted out of the south. You didn’t have a wedding because you thought it would look “wraunchy” to walk down the isle clearly pregnant.

They tell me I should love you because you gave birth to me, I stopped loving you when I realized you abused me too, just in a more subtle way.

I don’t have to love you, ever.

And no amount of gaslighting and playing nice will get me back once I bolt out that door at 18.

If you wanted to see me as an adult, meet a possible spouse or children, you should’ve thought of that before you tore me down piece by piece, ignoring my declining mental health, ignoring me when I told you “I’ve been self harming” and “I want to kill myself”

Dear mom, I hate you, what the fuck were you doing having unprotected sex with an abusive asshat at 21??

Dear dad, your abuse in your childhood doesn’t give you an excuse to abuse me now. You say I have it good, I do, but only physically. You ask why I never talk to you, but from the age of 3 or 4, you made it clear to me that you were not safe. When I came to you with small problems you told me I was overreacting. Why would I trust you with big problems now?

I hate both of you, I am scared of both of you, if it was feasible for me to leave your hell house I would do it right this moment.

I hope you realize what you’ve done, and when you do, don’t come begging to me for forgiveness, I won’t be giving it.

Sorry for the rant I’m sorry I shouldn’t complain

Maybe your abuse isn’t intentional, maybe it is. But my mental health issues are not my fault.

I have DID and PTSD from severe prolonged childhood trauma that YOU failed to protect me from. You do not get to be angry with how my brain coped with such horror.

I’m overreacting? Oh of course. The debilitating flashbacks, panic attacks, intense dissociation and constant fear come from nothing. I’m overreacting.

I’m a liar? A faker? Ask my fucking psychiatrist, my counsellor. Ask fucking anyone, Mum. Ask them and watch them tell you that because you failed to protect me when I needed it, I will now suffer for the rest of my life.

I am not a fucking liar. 

I cause you so many problems? Then let me leave the house. Let me go and see my friends, let me talk to them, let me have a social life. You’re upset that I want to spend time with them more than you? Maybe it’s because they’re not constantly angry with me, yelling, being cruel, manipulative and controlling, calling me a liar and a problem.

You called me a manipulative bitch when I finally broke down and told you about some of my abuse. A manipulative bitch. I cried for hours. 

Maybe you’re just ‘traditional’. But I am 15, and you are consistently sexualising my body, and telling me to change. I can fucking wear tights and shorts, and knee high socks and jumper dresses. My body has been abused, exploited and sexualised since I was a fucking baby. I can wear fucking tights. 

I’m not a fucking whore, or a slut. I have a steady girlfriend, we are in love, and we want to be together. Me sitting with my uncle at Christmas dinner and giving him a hug is not fucking sexual. It does not mean I am a whore, or a hypocrite, or spreading my legs for a fifty year old man aged fucking 14.  It is fucking normal family behaviour.  You fucking twisted bitch. 

While we’re talking about my sexuality, I can fucking kiss a girl.  Stop hiding your homophobia by so-called ‘concern’. 

My girlfriend fucking loves me, more than you ever have or will.

I’m sorry if I’ve made your life so fucking hard.

All I’ve ever wanted is for you to love me. I’m sorry if I made that too hard.

Oh, you do love me? 

Then fucking act like it. 

I love you. You provided for the family and struggled to leave your past behind you your whole life.

But

You left me to die at the hands of your husband. You’re a narcissist just like your mom was. You’re so horrible when it comes to dealing with mental illness. You can’t keep pretending that my disorders aren’t real. You traumatized me even if you didn’t mean to. You screamed at me. You abused me. You never left a mark anywhere on my body, but you did rip out my heart.

I love you mom, but I can’t pretend you’re innocent.

abusing my brother and i is not “trying your best”. you did it on purpose.

do i look like i care about the fact that you weren’t given any kind of love by your parents? you could’ve worked on yourself, you could be working on yourself, but you don’t care. you don’t care about us, only about keeping us near you so we can take care of you when you’re older. you only give us what we want so we end up depending on you, and then you are surprised when i get into a toxic relationship and end up being dependent on them.

YOU are the selfish one. you only think about yourself. you can’t accept the fact that you traumatized me and my brother, which is really annoying. you better accept your mistakes before i explode and tell you to go fuck yourself.

learn to control your impulses and your anger. i’m tired of you yelling at me for anything, even breathing.

also, you better work on your people skills. it’s fun to hear about how you make people shut up with threats until you do that to me. yeah, your job is dangerous and hard so you need threats to keep yourself safe, but i’m your daughter and i deserve some fucking love, don’t i? i’m not putting you in danger. never.

get help.

That last sentence is so on point.

Tip for young girls: if an older man ever says he wants to “be friends” with you, and seems really touchy or sincere and explains his actions with “I just want to be friends!”, fucking run. There is no reason for a man in his 30′s to want to be friends with a fucking child. 

@fallingtones

As cliché as this is, this has been my actual morning.

This still makes my stomach drop

This.