This is universal. This comedy transcends time and language.

Hes right

#my guy lost knife priviledges real fast

The Hogwarts House Matrix

So this entire post arose from a conversation I was having with a friend of mine. As we are wont to do, we were discussing Harry Potter and sorting various acquaintances of ours into each of the four Houses when my friend confessed she wasn’t sure of the House to which she belonged. I said, “Gryffindor” without a second thought.

But my friend was unsure. Pottermore had sorted her into Ravenclaw, not to mention her sister and one of her best friends (both staunch Gryffindors) also told her she was Ravenclaw. She herself thought she might be Hufflepuff. However, as the Ravenclaw-est of Ravenclaws, I felt obligated to correct her. I tried explaining my theory of the different value axes and alignments over Gchat, but decided visual aids were probably going to be more helpful.

Hence the Hogwarts House Matrix.

I’ve divided these traits into primary alignments and supporting characteristics

To explain the alignments (in declining order of weight):

Governed by morality vs. ethics: Ruled by a sense of Right and Wrong vs. Correct and Incorrect.

Externally vs. internally validated: Derives a sense of satisfaction from achievements and praise vs. personal accomplishments.

Socially vs. individually orientated: Effects and is affected by social situations and peers vs. is unaffected by others’ opinions.

The supporting characteristics are as follows:

Reactive vs. proactive action: How one responds to external stimuli.

Subjective experience vs. objective reality: How one believes the world should be judged.

Driven by passion vs. guided by reason: The raison d’être for doing.

Really, in my opinion, you can generally figure out which House you’re in by answering two questions:

1. Are you governed by morality or ethics?

2. Do you derive satisfaction from internal or external validation?

Answering those two questions gives you a pretty good picture of what I’ve defined as the core value of each House:

Gryffindor = morality + external validation = Justice

Hufflepuff = morality + internal validation = Fairness

Slytherin = ethics + external validation = Success

Ravenclaw = ethics + internal validation = Knowledge

The characteristics of Bravery, Hard Work, Ambition, and Cleverness are external manifestations of the core values. You must be brave to seek justice, you must work hard to be fair, you must be ambitious to find success, and you be clever to gain knowledge.

(More charts and LONG explanations under the cut!)

Keep reading

my gender is man in the same way mcdonalds sprite is a soda

I RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH

yeah sure sex is great but have you ever had the tumblr mutuals refer to you by name in the tags

My gender is writing “Sorry :(” on a math test

Martin Luther translates the bible (1534)

post limit should be determined by your followers like there should be a button and if enough of them press it you’re done for the day

damn shawty you ambiguous... like, morally 😏

uh oh sisters!!! *gets arrested for tax evasion*

Al Capone 

using this website really is a unique experience you just won’t find anywhere else

Clearly you haven’t met the Night At The Museum fandom…

this is genuinely the funniest addition I’ve ever seen. no, tumblr user professorwerewolfmcwerewolf, i have not met the night at the museum fandom! i doubt anyone has! what the FUCK is their gay!al capone discourse?????????? how deep does it run that being baffled at the mere MENTION of gay!al capone discourse paints you as a clear outsider of the night at the museum fandom??????????????????????????????

#night at the musuem fans grab your gay!al capone discourse

he belongs!!

A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

A++ addition

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

I LOVE THIS

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam

I love this, I love all of this, but quick question, does the author know? Like are they aware that their significant other is a serial killer or do they just think that they have a morbid sense of humor? It’d be even funnier if the author had no fucking clue, like how Aurthur Conan Doyle was apparently stupidly gullible, and on top of it they’re a horror or crime novelist. Like the serial killer works at a butcher shop or something so it’s completely normal for them to come home smelling like blood, no murders going on here, no sirey. Just my darling coming back home from a long day at work.

Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.

So you get this dynamic of the serial killer mining the author for creative murder schemes, the author being lovingly encouraged by the serial killer, and finally the detective who is just so sure that the author is the killer and that if he sticks it out long enough he’ll FINALLY have proof.

Plot twist, The serial killer and detective use to go out so it gets sub what personal. 

“You need to stop seeing them. I think they are a serial killer.”

Serial killer breaths in. “Look-”

…perfect

I don’t like actual murder mysteries, but this is perfect

THE ORIGINAL POST HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY

AFTER YEARS I HAVE FOUND IT, BEHOLD, MY BRETHREN

@scar-queen-owl @leal-love-lace @todorokitops @girlboss-sukuna

I’VE ONLY EVER SEEN SCREENSHOTS THIS POST IS LEGENDARY

smile!

yeah so what if i kiss my stuffed animals goodnight . stuffed monkey joe has feelings too

this applies to the homies too. regular joe got feelings too

Hey, @the-rain-on-your-dandelions, has anyone told you that you’re a genius? That’s an incredible system. I wish I had a friend group that could function for!

I could see this working for dinners, too

it’s like the Mom Friend Anxiety Hack, but for chores.

Crowdfunding adulthood

not to be That Bitch but it really is insidious that the construction of the concept of “granny panties” has made women self conscious about their freaking underwear of all things (meant to be worn underneath your clothes and not be seen most of the time!!!) to the point where women sacrifice comfort to wear a gstring or cheeky hipster or whatever crap the industry comes up with all so that women can be constantly maintaining not just a pleasing outward appearance but a ~sexy~ state of mind

PSA thongs are likely bad for you health. They’re linked to an increase in UTI risk, vaginal infections, and your genitals chafing. Women are being socially pressured into wearing underwear that’s bad for their health because god forbid women ever wear underwear or any article of clothing that’s not sexually appealing

Yes, but Briefs are still hideous. Bikini cut exists.

Says who? Why do you think briefs are hideous? Why is covering your ass and not having any part of your ass hanging out hideous? Almost all men’s underwear covers their ass, does that make all men’s underwear hideous and if it does do you think men notice or care? Why are only women noticing or caring if their ass covering underwear is “hideous”? Do you think we’re born this way, that little baby girls pop out of the womb thinking underwear that covers their whole ass is hideous but baby boys pop out not caring and feeling just fine with having their whole ass covered, or do you think maybe they learn that from somewhere?

babygirl i’m deficient in vitamins scientists haven’t even discovered yet