After Civil War, (in an AU where the avengers make up and Thanos never happened) Bucky is trying to remember who he is.
It is different, being awake after decades of following orders and constant torture. It was as if he was dreaming when he methodically killed all of those people, as if his mind had pulled him out of his body and he had watched the whole thing from a distance. Sure, Captain America had convinced the Avengers to stand down and give him a chance and he was on a sort of a trial period, residing in the Avenger’s compound in the middle of nowhere. Most of the Avengers had even gotten used to his presence, not that it mattered.
The soldier was always alone, even in a crowd of millions. There was only silence.
Just like he had these semi-lucid memories of his past crimes, it was the same with his life before he became the Winter Soldier. It was just glimpses, moments, the barest of hints of a life well-lived.
The Captain hovered around him, more than the other Avengers, waiting for something. The soldier would no doubt disappoint him. He had saved the captain’s life and pulled him from the river. It hadn’t even been a thought then, just an overwhelming instinct.
It was clear Rogers knew him, knew his past. The way he looked at him was unmistakable.
But the soldier didn’t remember. He was good and benevolent now, but that wouldn’t bring back his memories.
He secretly craved them more than the Captain did. He wanted to be something more than a weapon. Whoever he was back then, he must’ve been a good guy to attract The Golden Boy of the USA’s attention.
Weeks and weeks would go by of Rogers hovering and waiting and trying to make conversation. The soldier would try to indulge him, but he never knew what to say, and based on the way a frown ended up on Rogers’ face, he was just disappointing him.
He wasn’t “Bucky” as Rogers referred to him. Deep down, he wanted to be. Wanted to be that person that received that snow-melting, sun-sparkling smile of Rogers’, the one Rogers would seek out in a crowd, the one who could be human.
“Hey pal,” Steve walked up to him that day, clapping him gently on the back. The warmth of it was magnetizing, even through a layer of clothing. The Winter Soldier flinched against his will and Steve frowned, pulling his hand away instantly. The warmth faded with him.
“Hello,” The Winter Soldier replied dutifully.
“Any new…ah- improvements?” Steve smiled. That was polite for ‘do you remember me?’
“No.” He replied and Steve frowned. Something painful burst in his chest at the sight.
“It’s okay. It’ll take some time.”
The Winter soldier nodded, not sure what to say that would comfort the other.
It went on like that every day for months, and through out the day, The Winter Soldier would get mere glimpses of his past, flickers of Bucky and then they were gone just as quickly. It was always something that stirred these emotions in him.
One fall morning, he walked around the Avengers Compound and a leaf crunched under his shoe. The sound had caused a spike of a memory to course through him.
…running through the woods but not fearful, not on a mission, running just to run…happiness…laughter…another voice beside him…hands intertwined…
The winter soldier inhaled, suddenly back in the real world. He could practically taste apples.
“Steve,” He said aloud, without really knowing why. And then he stood there, frozen as if he’d said something wrong.