I Need Me (a poem)
Written By (headmates): Nico, Caspian
Written 6 June 2023 (6/6) at 6:30p
~
Access to me is a privilege.
I don’t owe you communication, updates, conversation
I don’t owe you contact
I don’t owe you control.
//
Unconditional love,
if I even choose to offer you that,
does not mean unconditional tolerance or acceptance
nor unlimited access and unlimited servitude.
//
This means if I do not feel loved by you,
No matter how loudly you scream that you love me,
I am allowed to deny you access
I am allowed to limit and restrict your access
I am allowed to set boundaries
that include revoking your privilege of contact
if you behave in ways that make me feel disrespected, unseen,
unloved.
//
This means that I control access to me,
to my time, my space, my love,
and yes, even my kindness and compassion.
You do not get to have me for free,
cut into bite sized pieces for you.
I will not be selling my soul
especially not at a discounted price
way less than what I’m worth.
//
This means that I can and will set rules
which doesn’t mean I can force you to follow them
but does mean if you refuse to follow them
I can and will leave—
I can revoke access temporarily,
or permanently—
or respond in some other manner that respects my emotions, needs, and desires.
I am allowed to leave whenever I want
I am allowed to change the key
on my locked doors.
This does not mean I will be cold to strangers,
but it does mean that my walls are impassable without a key
and I have to give you the key.
So if you desire a relationship, closeness with me,
family or friend or lover,
I have to consent to the same
and for me to do so means you must meet the terms and conditions first.
//
I need me more than you do.
I need my love more than you do.
I am the only one who will be in my head at all hours of day, night, and otherwise.
storms, sunshine, progress, stillness;
I am the only one I will always have with me,
and that means I need to treat him well,
because he always needs me
and I can’t pour from my cup until it has more than drops to give.
//
This also means I get to prioritize who gets my energy first.
First come first served is out the window
Now it is
most respectful, safest, most consistent,
one who reciprocates, one who makes me feel the most loved,
if I have energy to share,
She gets me first,
and if that leaves my cup with drops,
I need me more than you do,
and she deserves me first.
//
I may offer you laps from my cup when it overflows again
but right now I have drops at the bottom, barely enough to drink,
not enough to soothe my parched throat
love-starved, affection-starved, touch-starved—
so I need me.
//
I need me more than you do.
I need my love more than you do.
and once I recover,
She needs my love more than you do,
because she loves me back the way I need her to,
because she chose me the way many of you wouldn’t,
because she deserves me,
because I love her too.
//
You do not come first just because you were assigned family at birth.
That assignment can be removed
now that I have a voice of my own.
I can choose my own family,
and while family doesn’t end in blood,
that also means not all blood is family.
//
You are mine by DNA,
but I am mine by choice,
and I am hers by choice,
and I am their son by choice,
and I am his brother by choice,
I am their sibling by choice,
and you, mother and father,
grandfather and uncle,
brother and cousin,
until I choose you
and until you make me want to choose you,
you are not mine by choice.
//
So earn me.
I am a gift to those who want me,
I am the whole package to those who choose me,
I am a galaxy of adoration and love and kindness and compassion,
and I won’t make myself small for your comfort any longer.
//
Earn me.
Do the work I ask of you,
or expect to lose me.
////
((Note: the “she” that deserves me is my girlfriend, & the brother/sibling/son chosen set is my adoptive family (they adopted me, I adopted them back, & they may legally adopt us in the future). this is about our biological family mistreating us. this doesn't mention or include friends because that wasn't what I was frustrated/angry about.))
~Nico
