It is very tough to even begin to write this message. This blog has felt like my home for so many years and I have had the pleasure to share what I read and love and thus create such an intimate space for me. I never ever thought that there would come a time for me to actually stop posting here. This is not an impulsive decision; it is rather a well-thought out one. People keep harassing me over utterly idiotic rumors for months now. I have addressed what I needed to address and have tried to focus on my internal peace and keep posting what I feel like posting on my own platform but for some reason certain people feel like they have a right to keep dragging the name of this blog through the mud and to be quite honest I am in a very dark place right now. I am in a very dark place right now because I first and foremost always wanted this blog to feel personal to me and it doesn’t anymore. It feels like a public shitshow for people to spread their misinformation (and thus abuse my platform) with 300k+ people as spectators. I have tried to keep things civil and respectful and handle this the only way I see fit: with truth and integrity. I have received so many support messages by the people who have trusted me and have come to love this blog for what it is (some of which I have replied to, others that I have read and even though I haven’t replied to remain certain that I appreciate each and every one of them). You can’t know how moved I am and how wholly appreciative I am for the people who stood by me. I am a very private person and I do not consider myself a “public” figure irrespective of the big following of this blog. This has always been my private refuge. All of the support aside…unfortunately this does not feel like my safe place anymore. It does not feel like a place I can come to and get personal with my followers anymore, it does not feel like a place I can unburden my heart to, freely and without not well-meaning at all people trying to censor me or purposefully get me down. At this point I need to do what is most difficult for me to do and that is to accept that irrespective of my best efforts and huge appreciation for all of you, I am not passionate about this place any more. I do not feel either secure or comfortable in it and I am a frank believer that a person can UNFOLD in meaningful ways if and only if they feel like their soul is at peace in what they do. Mine is not. On tumblr at least. It used to be though for so many years and I feel so blessed to have impacted the people that I have impacted through just…blogging and being myself. I am thankful for all the kindness I have received in return over those very special to me years and I am thankful for people reaching out to me on anon or off anon and sharing their problems with me / giving me recommendations / telling me they relate to what I post. I remember experiencing such terror every time tumblr decided it was time for a “change” and putting all of our blogs in jeopardy. People would be like “chill, it’s just a blog” and I was like “no, it’s home”. It sounds deeply melodramatic but it’s true. This platform has felt like home and I spent nearly all of my 20′s here (I am now 27). I will remain outspoken, frank and passionate about the kind of literature I adore no matter whether I’ll leave this platform or decide to some day come back but for now I want to thank you and let you know how significant and full of meaning this journey has been to me. Nothing and no one can take that away. To my trans and jewish followers, I love you, thank you so much for being at my side and inspiring me to stay and fight. I stayed and fought and tried to provide clarification regarding what I consider to be truthful and good and pure. I am not leaving because of this silly drama, I am rather leaving because this has ceased to feel wholesome. It, right now, feels heartwrenching and I lack the motivation to share anything with people who seem to want to continue being so full of hatred. I have infinite tenderness and appreciation in my heart for the people that reached out to me and showed their support, I love you all and I have never descriminated against ANY person in my life nor will I ever discriminate against anyone in my life. I do not judge people based on their gender or their religion (or their ethnicity, race, age, heritage, and whatever makes them feel like themselves on the whole), I treat people according to how they strike me to be on the inside; according to their actions, intentions and what they seem to carry in their heart of hearts. I have went wrong with my intuition many times but I have never passed judgement on anyone for merely being themselves. I am in full support of all of you who embody yourselves to the core and I wish you the biggest luck with your lives. A human being, to me, is primarily shaped by who they are on the inside and who they are on the inside always, always has a way to come out and shine. This is getting quite long but in a classic / dramatic / Piscean monologue and style…I love you all, I will definitely miss you and I wish for you to keep safe during this extraordinarily difficult times. I will close my inbox because I am honestly very, very overwhelmed but I want you all to know that mentally I have been doing alright and I will put this into perspective over time and move on. This is what I hope I’ll be doing anyway. Sometimes those circles, intimate and nostalgic as they might feel, need to close but nothing takes away the love, the passion and the actual experience of getting to share what keeps touching you on a private level with so many wonderful people and I wouldn’t want anyone to worry about me. I have no idea whether I will be choosing to delete this blog, I might do that or not but I still have no idea. At any rate, stay safe everyone 🖤
the biggest tragedy of 2020
