You only want me when there's no one else around telling you all those things you like to hear
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You're breaking my heart every fucking day
“Sometimes you just need someone to tell you you’re not as terrible as you think you are.”
— Unknown
“you have to let people know that you’re okay without them; the moment you make somebody feel like you need them and that you can’t survive without them and that you depend on them - they will take advantage of that. So you have to let people know like look I might like you or love you , but I do not need you. I want you in my life and I would love for you to stay here, but I don’t need you so don’t ever think that for second.”
Nah no more emotional bullshit. I’m good, I’m ok. I survive. Yes maybe I hurt myself, yes maybe all this hurts me, but who cares. You obviously don’t you don’t even read this. I’m just so fucked but thank you so much, for nothing.
Why is it that Christmas still has to suck? Why is it that I’m the one who’s coming last? I just feel so I don’t know left out, scared, misplaced, not ready, unfortunate, lonely. Just take my mind of these things.
It’s Christmas; and I’m thrown back to when I was eleven, and you walked out of my, of our lives. It’s still hurts, I still don’t understand and I still don’t forget or forgive but I’ve learnt to live with it. Now I have kids and you can’t even be a “good” decent grandfather and I don’t know I just hoped you’d evolve and become mature and you’d be the grandfather I’d never had. But now I’m left with my thoughts, doubting myself, hearing my brothers voice in my head of me being a failure and wishing I just wasn’t here. You don’t seem to care that much, my kids don’t mean anything to you (at least what I think) but anyway, it’s just what it is. So Merry Christmas.
She’s a strong woman - but the never had the option to not be strong; she always had to choose strength in every situation that she’s been in. Sometimes being strong is a burden for her, she doesn’t wanna be strong all the time; she’s got no choice. Sometimes she comes off strong but guess what if you offer that woman help if she doesn’t take it don’t take it personal don’t take it heart she’s not the type to ask for help because in her life she’s been the only one, the only reliable one, the only responsible one, the only one that had to take charge.
When you’ve been that only one for your whole life - you ain’t got a choice but to be strong. But if you prove that you are reliable, you’re responsible and you’re strong and you could take that load off her shoulders; maybe she’ll let go a little bit, maybe she’ll come down a little but until then usually a strong woman never settles. She knows what the hell she had to put up with for a very long time and sometimes she just wants to give up their strength but then she gotta keep it no matter what cause she’s been to enough disappointments in life that proved to her that being strong is the only way to go.
Jumble of thoughts
What if you want more than what we have now? What if you’d like me to be your partner in crime? Can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it at all. But what if?! I mean you know me I’m a handful and not easy at all BUT it’s always gonna be a package deal with me. I could never be without them and you know that. I mean I know you don’t want this and I’d never ask you to take any role and have responsibilities. I’m just trying to make it make sense.
I’m sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I’m sorry when you take long to reply that I get sad. I’m sorry if I say thing that might piss you off and that I can get annoying. I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you. I’m sorry that I think about you too much and too often. I’m sorry if I come off as being clingy but it’s just me missing you.
I’m sorry.
I don’t get mad anymore, I just get really quiet. Why keep talking when nobody is really listening to you?
I keep telling myself one more night/one more day but still all of myself wants to just end it, obviously I’m not going to I mean I’ve got kids to take care of, but this pain is so strong and the other night I relapsed so bad.