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@ventiart

side blog. vent blog about my life and being mentally ill.

Princess bride triggered a weird memory. When I first saw it, maybe 12ish years old I got so angry.

It's embarrassing and i know its wildly distorted but I would get so angry at myself for not making these movies or songs. "This is so good/simple why didn't I think of it??. Why couldn't it be me to get credit for these things i should have already thought of and made"

He basically dismisses a lot of my feelings for just "mental health". When I talked and said "I feel like a miserable person to be around" now it's "low self esteem".

This is going south faster than I expected and my emotions are less comforted. I don't know what to say anymore, he doesn't either.

I guess the bigger issue is I don't feel understood

Last night I realised how stupid my reality was. I sleep so I can’t overthink, I read, I work, I train, I do a lot of things just to keep my mind busy, but at the end of the day, I hate to be me, doesn’t matter how hard I try, I’ll never be happy.

I hate being mentally ill because logically I know I have a lot of people who care for me, but emotionally I feel like I’m at the bottom of the list of important people, and I don’t know how to get rid of that feeling. And it never goes away no matter what I do.

I tried this new idea on for size: “My parents didn’t love me,” I muttered to myself, quietly, then louder: “My parents didn’t love me.” It’s a tragic sentence. It should feel like a shot to the gut. But instead, it had both resonance and stillness. It happened. It’s true. And it’s okay. There are people who love me. I will be cared for. And I have my capable self. Everything is going to be fine.

Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

My disability does hold me back. And I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t. 

I am learning to accept that’s okay. It’s okay if I can’t do things. It’s okay if I can’t do a lot of things. I will do what I can but never at the sacrifice of my peace or health. I am just as worthy on days I don’t get out of bed as I am on days when I’m productive. My worth never changes, even when my capabilities do. 

I love the irrational but mentally ill rational of thinking someone is just manipulating you to be with them. Do I love them or are they making me reliant and attached to them because they know it will work on me???

Why am I like this

kinkihilism-deactivated20230525

Sometimes hope feels like my biggest enemy. Everyday being alive feels like a burden, but theres always that little tiny spark somewhere in the back of my mind, saying "maybe it get's better someday". We've been through this for years, it never got better, just let me go.

I feel like I'm really repressed and closed off to my own world so much that when I have a glimpse of the closeness and understanding with others that I desire for so much I kind of explode?

In a sense that I start talking a lot and maybe sound loud or overbearing? It's just like a bunch of emotions flowing out after being inside for so long...

And what I feel after is mostly regret and fear of having said something wrong without noticing. It really haunts and makes me think that I really miss prolonged happiness. I really miss the stability of having a good day and just thinking "Yeah, today was pretty great."

I somehow couldnt stop sharing, he just listened for once. Being vulnerable is scary and only time will tell if this will bite me later

When you don't nourish or tend to a relationship, it can wither. It's not my fault my feelings changed with how I've been treated.

I am not going to be a "no matter what", accepting low effort bitch. I spent years of my life staying with someone who couldn't fully afford me, never again

My mental state is always so fragile 😞 Attention from anyone and I obess, I wish I wasn't so affection-starved