comedians: it's so difficult to be funny nowadays without sjws getting offended

robert pattinson, without an inch of effort:

This is one of the thai restaurants in my hometown and i can tell you first hand this lady is wonderful

little update bc someone from my hometown wrote an article about her and these are some highlights:

and my personal favorite:

yes hi I love her with all my heart

this thread absolutely killed me

This is one of the thai restaurants in my hometown and i can tell you first hand this lady is wonderful

little update bc someone from my hometown wrote an article about her and these are some highlights:

and my personal favorite:

Mamma Mia Wrap Party

If I could visit one even in history the Mama Mia Wrap party would be that event.

My favorite thing to do when someone asks me to perform a simple task is to say “No” while doing it

“not all men” you’re right, jake peralta from the 99th precinct would never do this

did U GUYS KNOW, that the way stores get the balloons off of the ceiling is with ANOTHER balloon, w tape on the top??? and they just dont cut the string so it’s like super long and u gotta aim it right n reel it in. i just found that out today when i DID IT and it’s been the best working day of my life i had a blast blowing up balloons and fetching some off the ceiling. i had so much power? and NO ONE ELSE in my department likes that job so now it’s MY job when need be

omg so I work at a museum and one of our buildings has a) very high ceilings and b) a bizarrely sensitive alarm system that will go off if anything touches the ceiling. Because of this, helium balloons are considered public enemy #1 and are strictly forbidden from entering the museum. But just in case an illicit balloon is successfully smuggled in, the museum has acquired a fucking b.b. gun for the express purpose of shooting down rogue balloons.

lawful good vs chaotic good

chaotic evil

do teachers not realize that like at a certain point students just…. can’t….. like we are literally dead inside

After Harry Potter came out, many videos surfaced online of people running into brick walls at train stations as a joke. While at one of these such train stations a friend dares you to run into a wall. They pull out their phone and start recording as you reluctantly run towards the wall. Expecting to hit it, you brace for impact but none comes— when you open your eyes again, the platform is empty and the train you see is most definitely not the Hogwarts Express.

Myth it is tOO EARLY FOR THIS XD

Me: *reblogs this*

You and the rest of my followers:

Ok. That’s enough Tumblr for today. 

a shoes off house

the package

honest to god if you want to be my friend just skip the awkward phase. send me a meme and call me a bitch. do it in the name of friendship

if you're having a bad day

just remember that I, a registered nurse with a bachelors degree, accidentally glued a patient’s foreskin shut over his penis and had to call a urology doctor to come help me get it to retract

I had to send a page that said “I glued the patient’s penis shut. send help.”

The urology resident said, “Wow. I’ve never seen anything like this. Let me go ask someone else.”

It’s been like 5 days since this happened and I’m just sitting at the nurses station with some coworkers and the urology resident walks by and says “hey! Glue any penises shut lately??” And keeps on walking

THEN ALL MY COWORKERS WERE LIKE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

and so yeah, that freaking doctor exposed me and went on his way

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE I AM

I’m his crying wife

man it really be so close😳