Reblogged
“i. this is what i know: in my religion, we believe that people like me are damned. we believe in hellfire. we believe in brimstone. we believe that i will die and i will be punished. we believe that i deserve to be punished. i am not sure what i believe anymore. ii. this is what i know: the first girl i loved was raised a christian. she had fire in her eyes. she had religion crammed down her throat until she choked on holy water. when she was desperate to escape, i taught her how to sin. she let me graze my fingers down her stomach at three a.m. on a sunday. i never kissed her. there wasn’t time. she had to get up for church in the morning. i went to sleep and dreamt of her cathedral mouth, the empty pews of her teeth. i dreamt of us, drunk on love and communion wine. i woke up in a confessional and told the story of us. iii. this is what i know: the first girl who ever reached for me first was an atheist. she was gluttonous. she gorged herself in life because there would be nothing to feast on after. she swallowed my skin. she fed me her hands. i still dream of her ungodly mouth. i was taught that when we die, she and i will suffer the same damnation. she thinks that when we die, there will be no damnation. she thinks there will be absolutely nothing. i’m not sure who i want to be right. iv. this is what i know: i am small. my wrists are twigs, my feet postage stamps. it’s not hard to be something bigger than me. i just want to find out if there’s something Bigger Than Me. i am scared. i am scared of everything. i am scared of nothing. i do not know what will happen to me when i die. i only know i will go out trembling.”
— things i wish i didn’t know.
