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I’m Very Tired.

@van-iira

Viira | she/her | minor | I DON'T TAG SPOILERS FOR ANYTHING | twewy, ntwewy, dsmp, yttd, vnc, ons, orv, cr, cfv, dr, bsd | Haruka_Reeeya on ao3 |

"My atonement"

I drew it the day I finished reading chapter 12 (6) of the side story of ORV. So it may contain spoilers of the side story.

I was thinking if I should post it here, I posted this comic on other places but... how should I say, I feel uneasy, after all, it's an atonement, so I want to be true to myself.

I didn't know a single thing about that person.

I feel like I have to face this fact.

I won't tag anything, because I don't know what I should tag with it. It's simply an atonement from a reader.

But this atonement is for someone who has become a writer and is writing his own story.

I love you.

really love the cultural opinion of PMMM going from "this is the deepest anime ever, happiness is fake" to "this is ridiculously grimdark and edgy wtf are y'all talking about" to "akemi homura is objectively the funniest character of all time"

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favorite homura things:

  • met a girl once and decided to dedicate her entire life to her
  • deadass fights witches using real ass military weapons that she just straight up stole
  • has been 13 for nearly 12 years
  • this extremely unintentionally funny scene where she just shows up outside madoka's house to warn her about kyubey and then leaves without explaining herself

Bsd fandom be like- omg skk are so toxic, they hate each other, make each other worst, they are so bad for each other.

They are literally annoying little toddler besties who like to annoy each other. They act like the other has cooties and then go and invade the others space like its a competition.

shoutout to sskk like. hes my enemy, hes my rival, i would put him through a juicer if i could, hes the only man i genuinely trust with my life, sometimes i really wish god would smite you, i am so deeply infatuated with you it scares me, i hate you, i kept our promise because my respect for you runs deeper than you will ever know, i really really do hate you. i grieved for you when you died

there's a parallel in last life that I don't see talked about as much as it deserves and so I'm going to dissect the ever-living hell out of it. remember the ghast farm incident? everyone remembers the ghast farm incident. Grian turns red, he starts knocking blocks of a bridge out from under Mumbo, "there's a way we can still be friends," etc etc etc. it's fantastic. WELL. two sessions earlier, there's a similar confrontation between Scar and Joel after Joel turns red, except the roles are reversed. Joel approaches and it's Scar who starts breaking blocks of the bridge, trying to put distance between the two of them. HOWEVER, the interesting difference here is that Scar is doing it not because he doesn't want to be Joel's friend anymore, but because he still wants to be. lets take a look at a transcript of part of that scene, shall we?

[Scar breaks several blocks of the bridge.] Joel: Scar, what are you doing? I know you're not my friend anymore, but come on, Scar. Not the bridge. Scar: I wanted to make an arrangement. Are- are we not friends? Joel: We can't be friends, Scar. We can't be friends.

Scar knows that Joel is a red life and that he might hurt him, but he still wants to be friends, so he's providing a way that they can be near each other while he isn't in any danger by putting a gap in the bridge. he even breaks it again when he comes by to chat later. during that chat, Joel reminds him of how dangerous he is, Scar says he "gets it," and then proceeds to let him continue living under magical mountain. Scar doesn't "get" that he needs to be cautious of Joel—what he "gets" is that he's taking a risk by letting him stay and that he's already accepted something might happen. and he's OKAY with that. Joel is red. he gets it.

now compare that to this excerpt from the ghast farm incident:

Grian: Y'know, Mumbo, there's a way we can still be friends. Mumbo: Yeah? Grian: Yeah. [he starts breaking blocks at of Mumbo's feet] You could join me.

with Joel and Scar, it's a red life choosing to step away from his friend in order to protect him, while said friend tries to find a way that they can still be near each other without placing himself in danger. with Grian and Mumbo, it's a red life choosing to try to take his friend down with him so that they can be near each other because he can't accept not being his friend. the fact that in BOTH scenarios the friendship is symbolized by a bridge being broken is a perfect illustration of one of Grian's lines from the ghast farm incident: "it was a bad idea for the wrong reasons." those friendships should have been a good idea, those bridges should have been a good idea, but now they provide a connection that isn't safe, and they all know that.

and I'm not done talking about this. no no no no no. this offers a FASCINATING insight into why desert duo is Like That. Scar would sooner let Grian kill him than have to stop being his friend. Grian would sooner kill Scar than have to stop being his friend. which is all kinds of perfectly fucked up and explains exactly why 3rd life ended the way that it did. it also makes the cactus scene from double life very interesting to think about. remember the cactus scene? it's a doozy.

Grian starts session by dropping a stalactite on Scar's head as a prank and (unintentionally) taking them down to two and a half hearts. Scar then retaliates by leaning against a cactus until Grian breaks it. he then leans against Yet Another Cactus until Grian breaks that one too, at which point they are at only one heart. a question I've been asking since that day is this: if Grian hadn't broken the cactus, would Scar have stepped away before it was too late?

using bridge theory, we can find an answer to this.

the answer is no.

this isn't necessarily because Scar is actively trying to get them killed—it's more because he knows with absolute certainty that Grian will break the cactus. he's not prepared to step away because he isn't worried he needs to. see, the difference between Grian and Scar is that Grian is willing to throw around the lives of other people to get what he wants, and Scar is willing to throw around his own life to get what he wants (the fact that what they really want out of all this is often the other's trust is an issue I will dissect another day). once again, last life is the perfect example of this. Grian steals a life from Scar right off the bat and gets another one out of him by force a few episodes later. meanwhile, Scar makes a business out of selling his soul and threatens Team BEST that he'll kill himself in order to go red life crazy on them. and they don't doubt him! and they SHOULDN'T doubt him, because Scar is the kind of guy that would do that! the same way that Grian is the kind of guy who will drop a stalactite on his soulmate's head but break the cactus he's leaning against.

Grian is willing to risk Scar's life, but he's not okay with Scar risking his own life, because he knows that he's completely willing to stand against a cactus until he dies if it makes a point. so Grian breaks it.

but Scar knows Grian as well as Grian knows him. Scar knows that this is hardly a risk at all. so he leans against the cactus a third second time.

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Ok so I just recently watched all three life series from scars pov again and I've come to a horrible realization...Scar doesn't hit grian once after third life and if he does he never shows it. When grian steals his first life in last life sure scar goes after him swinging but he never actually hits him just barely missing him every time and when he was the boogeyman and had the perfect chance to kill grian he simply doesn't. In double life it was grian who hurt scar to show him that they were soulbound. It never crossed scars mind to test grian like at all. Like he just accepted that grian was helping him out by giving him food whenever he was low on hunger and worrying about his life when he was low on hearts out of the kindness of his own heart. He was one hundred percent ready to accept that grian was going to be on his side without even being soulmates in a death game. He didn't care about who his soulmate was at all in double life but accepted grian as an ally right off the bat. And when he finally realized who his soulmate was via dripstone ,as pay back for grian not telling him sooner, he doesn't hit grian ,no, he punches a jellie panda and hurts himself. Everytime he wants to hurt grian he never physically hits him it's always him hurting himself. Grian on the other hand...in last life grian isn't afraid to hit scar. After stealing his life and running into Lizzie he takes out his sword and swipes at scar the moment he jumps down to their level but misses and he shots arrows at him willingly when he's on yellow and when on red despite not wanting to. On double life grian is the one who hurts scar physically. When showing him their soulmates he uses dripstone and when their hiding from the reds he uses dripstone to prank scar which almost kills them both. It's wild. Plus in last life scar is the only one with a cactus in a world without a desert and it's mumbo and grian who trades for it and in double life they make another monopoly on sand and somehow manage to find the only cactuses on the server to hide out by when on the run. Yeah they never left the desert but Scar never left monopoly mountain and Grian never left the cactus ring.

I’ve finally gotten to watching Grian’s pov in Last Life and ohh ohh why have you guys been selling Desert Duo short in this?? “It doesn’t have the same amount of content as it does in Third Life and Double Life“ and “oh they’re avoiding each other” were you not LOOKING? this is a PERFECT continuation of Third Life!!

First off, Grian right off the bat making it clear he owes Scar nothing, he takes Scar’s first life and this time he doesn’t give Scar anything. He’s specifically dodging ending up in any kind of alliance with him again (he literally made sure the world didn’t have a desert, mans was sick of it), yet he keeps going back to Scar. He does not go a single session without seeking him out. Gonna swindle a life? He first thinks of Scar. Need to ransom someone? Scar! When Grian hits red the first time, he doesn’t even mention Bdubs (The first person on his list since episode one) ONLY Scar. And it goes both ways, i mean tell me Scar didn’t deliberately not kill Grian when he had the Boogymen curse in episode 2. He’s so used to Grian on his side even when they’re not technically on the same team. So no, Grian is not trying to avoid Scar, Grian is trying to avoid being in Scar’s debt again. And you know what? He fails at that.

The turn tables. THE TURNED TABLES, GUYS. Grian is having to rely on Scar so much in this season. The life he took from Scar, for “safe keeping”, he immediately lost it, he got to red before Scar even lost one life (TURNED TABLES), he had to sign himself into being in Scar’s debt again in exchange for another life which he looses while Scar is gone. In episode 8, Joel and Grian are standing in front of Scar, all three of them reds, but they’re only standing there because of Scar. In the same episode, Grian has to keep taking and taking from Scar; his diamonds for a chest plate, his sand for TNT, his enchanter for enchantments. Unlike last season, where it ended with a “i owe you my first life, i owe you my third life” relationship between the two, this season was Grian trying to avoid being in his debt at all, avoid owing him anything, but instead he digs himself deeper into the same hole and pretends he didn’t. He relies on Scar as much as or arguably more than Scar did in the last season. And he has nothing to give back, never lets himself fall back into being on the same team. “Scar, don’t start a fight you can’t win”. Even when he only still has his Last Life because of Scar, he’s refusing any real loyalty to him. He even outlives him again.

The entire series, Grian has not been able or willing to give anything back to Scar. Not in resources, in lives, or even in friendship and loyalty.

Grian and Scar have been destined to be connected the second that creeper blew up at the start of Third Life.