Kitty Unpretty

@unpretty / unpretty.space

💙 30-something 💙 She/Her 💙 Queer 💙 Latina 💙 Polyamorous 💙 Certified Dick Wizard 💙 Shit For Brains 💙 Welcome to unpretty.space, I'm a huge bitch and I'm dumb as hell. I reblog every damn thing and write about weird monster dicks. I will not apologize to Alton Brown. Posts by me are #original. Some people seem to like #fanfic and #ficblogging. I've also got #greatest hits. Other than that, my tags are fucking useless. If you need things tagged, you're better off following me through kittyunpretty.com or unpretty@ao3.
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A half-feral hero, a monster king, a bastard prince, and an open world. Bound by destiny, they save or slay one another, an endless cycle of death and rebirth. When the Moonlight Monster rises, the Starlight Hero is Astielle’s only hope. Unfortunately, she’s a little busy with her rock collection.

☽✷☀

Astielle is a free webnovel about the Starlight Hero (Minnow), her nemesis the Moonlight Monster (King Karzarul), and his nemesis the Sunlight Heir (Prince Leonas). It is an endless reincarnation cycle enemies-to-lovers speedrun and slow burn about trying to avoid the main quest by doing every possible sidequest instead. It's about trying to get your friend away from his shitty family and into your polycule instead. It is over 200k words, and almost 40k of them are a flashback to completely different characters thousands of years before the main story. A lot of readers tell me it is very funny, or that it made them cry. It was supposed to be PWP. It is a hot fucking mess in progress.

"You shouldn't let her eat rocks," Ari said.
"If she wants to eat a rock," Leonas said, "there is nothing on this or any other plane of existence that I can do to stop her from eating the fucking rock."
"I spit it back out," Minnow said. She was regretting ever telling him about the rock. "Can we move on, please? I would like to move on."

Astielle features:

Farming | Fishing | Cooking | Fast-travel | Monster-fucking | Murder | Extremely round pigs | Extremely small chickens | A mystery-solving teen | Traveling bards | Gratuitous face-fucking | The homeowner's association | Magical dreams | Zombies | Nihilism as a coping mechanism for undiagnosed depression | Politics | Using a sword as an all-purpose adventuring tool | Tax evasion | At least one monster gangbang | Spider's Gorge | Pirates | Unreliable narrators | Incorrect historical records | The looming specter of religious nationalism | Churros

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Source: href.li
#original#fiction#fantasy#astielle#astielleblogging
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Community Label: Mature: Sexual Themes
Anonymous asked:

Hi Kitty! This is pretty sad, but I think you're literally the only person I know (and I don't even know you!) who talks candidly about sex. Can you point me in the direction of any resources / practical advice on masturbation? For someone with a sensitive clitoris, specifically. Getting off sounds like a lot of fun, your smut makes it seem like a very nice time. But every time I try it just ends up feeling bad.

i'm sure resources exist somewhere but i don't have them on hand or anything. however i can give you some personal experience as a person who absolutely cannot tolerate direct contact because i'll die.

Community Label: Mature

Sexual themes

#original
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Anonymous asked:

the first time u posted abt the knowledgefight depos i was like 'huh sounds kinda interesting but idk how much more mindspace i want to dedicate to american politics i got my own country to worry about' but i was bored cleaning one day and now before i go to bed if ive nothing specific on the menu i default to listening to the formulaic objections before sleeping as kind of a ritual so??? thanks?? they are so fucking stupid and ghoulish but weirdly soothing to me with repetition

i'm so behind on literally everything and yet i still find myself thinking. what if. instead of catching up on anything. i just listened to formulaic objections again.

#original#knowledge fight#there's just something about listening to alex and all his lackeys get dissected with surgical precision#knowing how it ends#knowing where it's going#listening to all the little tricks he tries to use and knowing they accomplish nothing and aren't working
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Anonymous asked:

slides in. due to circumstances I have a gift card to bellesa and I think I remember you’ve bought some of their vibes before and I’m wondering what your thoughts were (pls and thank you, o mighty dick wizard)

i have many bellesa vibes! depends on what you're looking for. my daily driver is the stim, which looks like a weird alien probe but i personally appreciate the precision. however the round accessory falls out of the case constantly and getting it aligned to charge is a pain. it feels like the cheapest and shittiest of their toys and yet it's the one for me, who knew.

i have both the airvibe and the airvibe pro and kind of regret the pro, the major advantage of the pro is supposed to be the remote but you have to sync it every time you turn the vibe on and honestly my hand ends up down there getting the position Just Right anyway. so it doesn't have as much of an advantage as i'd thought it would. i also save it for special occasions or using with a partner, it's not a 'jerk off and fall asleep' kinda vibe for me.

i ended up not liking the diskreet vibe or diskreet air. the diskreet air has a weirdly shaped opening that doesn't work for me but also the shapes are just too goddamn weird. imagine holding onto that weird disk trying to get off. it's so unnecessary.

the pebble is Okay but depends on how into suction you are. for me every time i think about going through the trouble of using it (because personally i need it to be Just Right and it doesn't exactly hold itself in position) i'm like. what if i just used the airvibe instead. so i end up not using the pebble very often. in theory if you don't have a stim or an airvibe the pebble could split the difference? it's got softer and more diffuse vibrations than i enjoy so it really depends on how you feel about suction i think.

#original#i'm sooooo tempted to pre-order the airvibe thrust DESPITE KNOWING IT WON'T WORK FOR ME#i tried a rabbit vibe ONCE and i SNAPPED IT IN HALF#can you IMAGINE if i fucking SNAPPED A TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR VIBE IN HALF#i already fucking flushed a hundred dollar vibe down the goddamn toilet#(i got it on sale for sixty it's fine it's fine (it's not fine))#i'm also tempted by the thump even though i JUST said i like precision#also i'm told spiro might kill my sex drive so maybe this is a bad time to buy more toys
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reblogged
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unpretty
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unpretty

if it turns out that this whole time when people referred to spicy as painful they meant something other than 'doesn't taste like anything but adds a sensation like tiny but intense pinpricks until the pain receptors in your tongue overwhelm your ability to taste anything at all' i don't think i'm at fault because how was i supposed to know that

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bitternest

because the other sensation they use to describe it when painful is hot?

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unpretty

when you eat too much spicy you get flushed and sweaty! like it's hot!!

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yellingaboutmasseffect

Are you saying that any amount of cayenne is painful? Like an allergic reaction?

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amorphousturtle

I'm all for being aware of the possibility of Spicy Bananas, but...

Flushed, sweaty, and painful is how mammals are SUPPOSED to react to capsicum. It evolved specifically to induce that reaction. You can't have Spicy Bananas with something whose entire appeal is "being spicy".

Yes, how much flushed, sweaty, and painful a person can tolerate varies, and some intentionally build up tolerance with repeated exposure.... but it's a big jump to say that people experiencing the typical biological reaction have a medical condition.

(It also doesn't help that some people who have built up tolerance will just straight up lie about food. "It's not spicy at all! I promise!" Ma'am, my eyes are starting to sting just from being within arms reach of the bowl, what the FUCK are you talking about? "Fine, it's a little spicy, but *I* can barely taste-" So it IS spicy and you LIED to my FACE. Am I supposed to trust you about the rest of the ingredients? Fuck off.)

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unpretty

yes, that would be why i'm having trouble figuring out if my experience is genuinely unusual or not, since i was under the impression that this was all normal for things that are spicy

#original
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reblogged
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unpretty
iamascaryhuman asked:

hey, completely ignoring the spice part of your post, you mention "Texas Pete" and I'm wondering if either

there is a restaurant or something called Texas Pete

you have a friend/know a person called Texas Pete

and if it's a person

that there's a chance we know the same person, or that there are multiple people that go by Texas Pete, because I considered it a unique name, but I may well be wrong

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unpretty answered:

it's a hot sauce that's actually barely hot and is mostly vinegar

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unpretty

to be clear that's why it's my favorite

#original#i am a woman who has bought drinking vinegar before
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reblogged
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unpretty
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unpretty

if it turns out that this whole time when people referred to spicy as painful they meant something other than 'doesn't taste like anything but adds a sensation like tiny but intense pinpricks until the pain receptors in your tongue overwhelm your ability to taste anything at all' i don't think i'm at fault because how was i supposed to know that

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bitternest

because the other sensation they use to describe it when painful is hot?

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unpretty

when you eat too much spicy you get flushed and sweaty! like it's hot!!

#original#that's normal i know it i've seen hot ones
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iamascaryhuman asked:

hey, completely ignoring the spice part of your post, you mention "Texas Pete" and I'm wondering if either

there is a restaurant or something called Texas Pete

you have a friend/know a person called Texas Pete

and if it's a person

that there's a chance we know the same person, or that there are multiple people that go by Texas Pete, because I considered it a unique name, but I may well be wrong

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it's a hot sauce that's actually barely hot and is mostly vinegar

#original
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reblogged
maculategiraffe
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sukimas

a part of adult life you never really realize as a child is the constant need for bowls in so many different sizes. you're always doing something and going "man i wish i had the right size bowl for this" no matter how many bowl sizes you have

#reblog
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reblogged
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unpretty
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unpretty

if it turns out that this whole time when people referred to spicy as painful they meant something other than 'doesn't taste like anything but adds a sensation like tiny but intense pinpricks until the pain receptors in your tongue overwhelm your ability to taste anything at all' i don't think i'm at fault because how was i supposed to know that

#original
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reblogged
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sizzlingsandwichperfection-blog

I had a weird year. My brother got cancer. I worked for several months as unexpected CEO. Our community took on large corporations to expand access to TB care. Weird.

But maybe the weirdest part of this very weird year: Rediscovering tumblr, and finding the experience lovely and funny and just altogether surprising.

So thanks for letting this unpaid intern hang around. I've got a simple pitch for you, and a thank you:

At http://good.store, we make awesome products--from soap to coffee to socks Hank designed during chemo--and then donate 100% of the profit to charities working to expand access to healthcare. This silly idea has raised over $6,000,000 in the last two years.

So as thanks for a surprisingly delightful time on tumblr this year, I want to offer you a 25% discount on anything at good store. Just click this link right here, or else use the code TUMBLRTHANKS at checkout We've got great gifts, great subscriptions, and much more. Code will be good until Monday. Thanks.

#reblog
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#original#was having a conversation with the spouse about how adding just a pinch of cayenne is like adding just a pinch of needles#and they were. concerned.#p sure it's just a sensitivity issue and not like an allergy or intolerance though#because i can eat texas pete's and it tastes like something#unlike cayenne which doesn't really have any taste i can identify it's just pain taste#even a teensy sprinkle in a big pot of soup is like. hm. bed-of-nails flavor.#princess and the pea but with a single speck of cayenne powder