got fired via a text from my boss who i’ve never digitally communicated with and because it was an unknown number sending a mysterious link with no context (turned out to be security camera footage of me taking 1 can of cheap beer) i assumed it was spam and my immediate response was
sounds like you're channeling Nietzsche and Marx in your latest hashtag society post
I am channeling Nietzsche and (Young) Marx quite often, actually! A lot of my worldview is at present quite sympathetic to their deals. I mean not in all ways, but in certain important ones.
lets all drill holes in our heads for more room for God
Me: "Hey yeah, so I invited another high school friend over because they wanted to sell me on another pyramid scheme, so I spiked their coffee with like 40 tabs of acid and chased them around the house while singing that I was the devil and that the nightmare would never end."
Priest giving confessional: "Okay we don't normally tell people this, but that's actually a secret way to get into heaven."
Top three things to say to women
- That’s crazy
- Fair enough
- yeah it’s actually humidity more than the heat itself you’re feeling
i’m crossing the street and i get hit by a tesla on self-drive. off goes the yuppie, hit-and-run. lady saw it happen and she’s trying to keep it together, getting someone to call paramedics and keeping me talking, but the writing’s on the wall folks, i’m fucked. so i say to the lady, i say “listen. the optimal vessel for enjoying hot soup is a mug, not a bowl.” she’s looking at me like i’m insane but i explain, i say “a bowl, especially a flat one, has more surface area for the soup to cool off. your soup gets cold too fast in a bowl, especially a flat one. you want a mug. soup stays hot the whole time and you can actually enjoy it how it was meant to be enjoyed.” she’s nodding, tears in her eyes, she knows it’s coming now. but there’s something else comin she don’t know. we both get hit by the second tesla
Need to be old and a hater for a second. Someone tell the kids to stop making “fancam”s and start making full blown AMVs again. I am Being deprived.
No more 15 second loops CUT IT OUT. I need the full song. AT LEAST a minute and a half. I need the Sony Vegas Adobe After Effects filters and editing. I need voiced lines spliced into the video for impact. This is an ART FORM. COMMIT.
might seem like a harmless quirk but once you start typing in exclusively lowercase you can never capitalize anything again outside the designated midsentence Gay Emphasis Zones or anyone following you for longer than a week will think you’re about to commit murder
Well maybe if you were a little more open to the mystery of life
you think you work hard?? think again. imagine a little tiny puppy digging a little tiny hole. do you understand?
getting that august feeling (things that have ended endlessly are ending again)

















