“You’re gonna have to run this by me again,” he said, shaking his head at the screen of his laptop. “Cause I’m pretty sure I called you for an apartment, not a matchmaking service.”

“We are not a matchmaking service,” the woman in the red blouse said firmly, almost as if he wasn’t the first to make that remark. She rather reminded him of one of the managers at work. “We select tenants for very specific homeowners.”

“Okay,” he frowned. “So now you sound like an escort service.”

“No,” she insisted. “No, I told you. You would be renting a room in a house. That’s what this interview is for, nothing more.”

Sure, just like the advertisement had said. And yet— “So why do you need to know about my personality and hobbies?”

The lady was beginning to look rather frazzled. “Because it is very important to my client – the homeowner – that his tenants are a good fit,” she answered. “He lives in the house too after all, and he prefers to keep turnover as low as possible.”

“Turnover?” he baulked.

“Oh you know what I mean,” she said hastily. “People leaving. It upsets him.”

He was trying not to stare, he really was, but he didn’t manage very well. “Right,” he said, as airily as he could. “You’ve moved from escort service to potential serial killer.”

“Really, sir!” she protested, but by now he was honestly ready to laugh.

“I’m sorry, but what else do you call a landlord that has his tenants screened so they will not leave.”

The woman’s shoulders sagged. “That is not at all what I’m doing! And my client is renting out rooms in his own house, he isn’t doing this to make money, just to break even.”

Yeah he had heard that before. But it was a nice house. “So he’s looking for housemates, then, not tenants.”

She brightened up considerably. “Yes!”

He pressed his fingertips together. “And your ‘client’ has a creepy service to find him these roommates that may not leave because…?”

“Oh alright. Fine. Because he’s a dragon.”

Whatever this woman’s problem was she had a weird way of deflecting reasonable questions. “Because he’s a dragon,” he echoed.

“Yes,” she sighed. “I usually don’t lead with that, for obvious reasons, but that is essentially why, yes. It’s all very proper and traditional, of course, speaking from a culturally dragonish point of view. But it makes most humans uncomfortable until they fully understand the situation. I assure you all our clients have excellent character references. And we pledge to find a viable alternative for any tenant who wishes to move out within the six-month trial period if our dragon-human mediation does not work out.”

“Wait, you’re serious?” He was pretty sure his brain stopped working at the words ‘culturally dragonish’ but whatever else she had just rattled off, it was definitely not a joke.

The woman blinked. “Why yes, we take our responsibility as intermediators very seriously.”

“No, no, hold up. You’re actually working for a dragon?” Certain parts of their earlier conversation were slowly starting to slot into place. Stuff about a cosy household, landlord-to-tenant responsibility and a mutually supportive living environment. All very proper and traditional… He met her eyes with his mouth unapologetically agape. “You’re working for a dragon that hoards housemates??”

She cleared her throat uncomfortably. “We prefer not to call it that.”

“But that’s what it is, really.”

The woman’s mouth pulled slightly. “…yes.”

He took a moment to let it sink in. A long, glorious moment. And then he sat back upright in his chair, leaning towards his laptop with entirely renewed interest.

“Alright, so first off, just for the record: you totally are running a matchmaking service. Second—” He added quickly before she could start up another protest. “I will answer whatever questions you need to ask to match me to this dragon household-hoard.”

“Wh- You will?” she said in surprise.

“Whatever you need,” he vowed. “And uh, word of advice, next time, definitely lead with the dragon thing.”

Oddly specific. Got a deposit for 6,837 today

fuck it, i never ever do those “reblog for X, this one really works!” posts, but this one doesn’t have any of that BS, this is just straight up wishing us good things; and then the comment doesn’t even say any of that either. Zero claims on this post, all positive vibes

May you end this week feeling ever more certain of a future you’ll love

[ID: A sign in an animal shelter.

/end ID]

Me too, buddy. 

Bitches be like ‘I’m so tired and sleepy’ and then stay up doing hyperfixtation shit for the next 5 hours

...

tiny hug

(via)

Moody Monday, send hugs

The list of people who know that Robin 2 is now Red Hood is small but the Riddler is one of them and I’ll explain why

Okay but now this opens up an entire fic line.

What if the Riddler actually did find out which grave was Robin's, and checked it?

2am, on a random Thursday night:

Riddler, frantically flicking the Batsignal off and on: C'mon, where the fuck is he?!

Gordon, very confused: How did you get up here?

Riddler: Riddle me this, what dies and doesn't stay in its grave?

@thisiswhereikeepdcthings

This is a much needed AU in my brain give me a week to obsessively think about this

It's been a week, may we hear the thoughts?

Absolutely. Okay so hear me out.

Riddler gets absolutely obsessed with this, cause how could you not, right?!?

Bats freaks out as you do because Riddler apparently knows all of their secret identities now even if according to him “that’s not important right now.”

Batman calls Superman to check the grave too, and once he verified it’s empty, they dig it up and Bruce goes over the evidence to determine what happened (Jason dug himself out and that’s a whole other traumatic reveal he’ll deal with later)

It takes a minute to get an idea of what happened, but Bruce discovers that the League might be involved, so to Nanda Parbat they go, they being batman, nightwing, Superman, Wonder Woman (who found out somehow and Bruce is too busy to even look into that [it was Clark]) and riddler who WILL be seeing this through, thank you very much. Honestly Batman can’t find it in himself to care so why not. Riddler is coming with.

They reach Nanda Parbat.

Bruce: I’m here for my son.

Someone else, Ra’s or Talia or whoever: How’d you find out about Damian?

Bruce: who?

So apparently he’s here for two sons. Dick gives him a look of absolute judgment but he can deal with that later. Or never. That works too.

Riddler makes himself surprisingly useful by proceeding to annoy the ever-living shit out of Ra’s.

Maybe Batman can convince riddler to stop being a villain because everyone honestly he would love to see more of this. But no time right now, they have to find his son. Sons. That’s going to take a minute to get used to.

So they’re working their way though and Ra’s doesn’t seem to be trying too hard to stop them (because honestly if they take that absolute menace of a zombie kid away from here HE’S not going to be the one to complain, and it’s not like Talia could even blame him in that case)

So anyway batman and co are going through the (very large) place and eventually they barge into some room and Jason’s in there just chilling. Maybe eating cereal or something. Sweatpants or something like that. Just, not what any of them would have expected.

Jason takes one look at Batman and yells out “TALIA,” who appears right on cue.

Jason: why is he here?

Talia: He’s your father.

Riddler, popping in from the background: I figured it out!

Jason: *confused look*

Riddler: you said to check your grave

Talia: great. Now that that’s all settled, go pack. You’re going back to Gotham.

Jason: wait no, what about-

Talia, putting him on the cheek: I’ll take care of it sweetie.

Talia then leads all of them to Damian and introduces Damian to his father.

Damian: I thought you’d be taller.

Dick: Yep. Definitely your kid.

Talia makes them sit down for dinner all together and tells them they can go back in the morning.

Honestly Bruce isn’t going to fuss about that right now because he has SO many questions for Talia but Jason’s alive and he has another kid too that apparently Talia didn’t feel like telling him about, and Jason has possibly spent the last hour glaring at him but he’s alive, so they can work whatever this is out

Meanwhile Talia takes a quick jaunt over to Gotham and decapitates a clown.

Batman and co head back to Gotham the next day, Jason (reluctantly) and Damian (skeptically) in tow, only to find out immediately on arrival that the joker is dead.

Jason immediately stops glaring and Talia is suspiciously waiting for them at the manor.

She and Alfred both raise an eyebrow in Bruce’s direction as if daring him to say anything.

He does not.

Tim shows up because he’s here to find out what happened/if everyone is okay, and sees Jason. Jason starts glaring again as Dick introduces the two of them. Tim’s eyes go wide and he’s so excited and all of a sudden Jason is faced with a very excited, very talkative kid that’s like four feet tall and dang it, now he can’t hate the kid.

Damian does not approve of the attention Jason is giving Tim. Jason does stop Damian from stabbing Tim though.

They’ll work on it.

At some point though Tim asks why the riddler is there too.

Riddler is here to stay now. There is no getting rid of him. When Steph shows up riddler announces that he will be coparenting her with Batman and Steph is just like lol nope

Bruce can tolerate Riddler’s continued presence in their lives because (a) it means he’s too busy to do crime and villainy stuff and (b) he sends daily riddles to Ra’s and manages to annoy him from a distance and honestly that’s a wonderful thing for Batman to sponsor

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got.

@folderalconspiracy yes yes yes

And then he uses that argument for everything.

Bruce: Don’t touch that.

Ed: Yeah, well, I won, so… *touches the thing*

*thing explodes*

Ed:

Bruce:

Ed: Hey Bats, your thing exploded.

@folderalconspiracy I love this so much

So then cue Bruce turning to Ed and being like, “You know who else I bet you could outsmart? Lex Luthor and Oliver Queen.”

Riddler: oh, it’s on.

I just imagine Riddler figuring out Oliver’s identity by the goatee.

And Bruce sitting there very smugly as he does so

How dare you leave these in the tags.

Remember that this is not the proof that they love each other

That was a last-ditch attempt from Crowley to get Aziraphale to stay

This is the proof that they love each other

Their love wasn't just made real because they kissed

It always existed

Turn Off Tumblr Live Tuesday

As an ad-free paid user, I would pay another $1/month to also have Tumblr Live stay snoozed forever.

TIM DRAKE READING ORDER

For those who, like me, when they like a character they need to read every single comic the character appears in, I have compiled a list of all of Tim Drake’s appearances from his debut up to the 2011 Flashpoint reboot (not including New 52 continuity).

“The average US president has been charged with 1.54 felonies” factoid isn’t true. The average US President has been charged with 0 felonies. Donald trump, who has been charged with 71, is a statistical outlier and should not have been counted

Felonies Donld is now up to 79 felonies, for a statistical average of 1.71 felonies per president

Update:

With 91 felonies, felonies Donld has now broken the 2 felonies per president average average (2.02 felonies per president)

I’ve been waiting for this post since I read the NYT headline this morning!

girl help the eldritch horrors are organising a pride and prejudice party and making us dance to mirror their forbidden and repressed love. yes there is a michael jackson thriller video reenactment outside trying to get in. no yeah i still want that rare doctor who annual

hey, hi, I was just on the former bird app and came across this info from a brand new study and now I cannot stop screaming internally??? what the actual fuckkkk

theres' an article from the guardian here and here is the actual study:

I've got hiccups which is incredibly annoying but it does mean that every 4 seconds or so I'm reminded to think about fish evolution which is pretty cool.

Please talk about fish evolution and how it relates to hiccups I am SO curious

Okay so the thing about hiccups is that you have them by default. There's a special region in the brain that suppresses hiccups. "Yes hiccups" is the default. "No hiccups" was an ad-hoc addition.

Why?! Why would your body want to hiccup by default? what purpose does that serve? Well, none, for you. But it was very, very important for your ancestors.

Hiccups are a fish reflex. They're a remnant of the convulsion that fish automatically perform to pull water over their gills. When this system was repurposed for lungs, we eventually evolved a workaround that tells the gill twitch not to fire any more. When this fails, boom. Hiccups.

It's just your fish nervous system trying to be a fucking fish again.

Is... Is that why I've had people telling me I just need to say "I am not a fish" out loud to cure my hiccups??

Also. I am so curious as to what other evolutionary workarounds we have that just?? Break sometimes??

Your entire body is a mountain of code built my many generations of coders who do not in fact know how to code and you don't want to know how much of it is random hacked-in gotos between functions that once did something very different, or how much is simply commented out entirely and just sitting there in your genome. Your ear bones used to be part of the support structure for gills. Your vocal cords are part of a valve that's supposed to close off your lungs when you go into water and it's just good enough to do that while also being shitty enough to relax and push air through because it turned out that being able to Breathe Noisy was also incredibly useful.

That's why drinking water stop hiccups? :O

You can stop hiccups by temporarily dramatically changing your blood chemistry. This is why most cures involve something that gives you a surge of adrenaline or carbon dioxide or something.

Here’s the cure the med-surg resident told me about the night I was filling in for somebody in the ER.

ok i just wanna check something.... reblog if you've never watched/opened tumblr live

reblog if you’d open a cursed tomb before even considering opening tumblr live

If Bruce has to maintain a playboy personality but has a whole second identity to protect and is fiercely private, OBVIOUSLY the way to go is to be such a charming, flirtatious, blush-inducing guy that people assume your bed is full 24/7 even if all that’s actually in your bed is three children with nightmares and potato chip crumbs that your butler will scold you about later

So my mom has been in the hospital in unbelievable pain all week and I'm like. What if I got people to read her smutty books. And she gets out of the hospital to hit like thousands of reads on Kindle

The problems with this plan;

She writes mostly m/f (well, m/m/m/m/f occasionally and everyone I know is a homosexual of some type)

I don't know how to market romance/smut

I don't know how to say "will you read my mom's porn" without it being weird

Basically if anyone has ideas I'd love to hear them

ok here are the books (i like the pen name lol)

points for buying/reading totally wrecked

bonus bonus points for drawing fanart and tagging her tiktok

she doesn't want this kind of promo but I'm doing this anyway bc she's my mom and she was at a 9 on the pain scale all week this week

i don't really know anything about romance (not my genre) but her other stuff are fun reads

WELL GOOD NEWS SIS I HAVE NO SHAME

READ MY MUMS PORN BOOK CAUSE SHE'S IN HOSPITAL

Amusingly, this is how I found out I was at my maximum "rental" for Kindle Unlimited, so I guess I'll be returning something so I can add to the reads.

Hope your mom feels better soon 💖

"Steve Irwin of Los Espookies" gets me every time.

dick grayson was the kind of kid to learn that the human mouth contains more bacteria than a public toilet seat and enthusiastically go around biting people

it's actually horrifying when you realize the damage that a human bite can cause like people have nearly had to have limbs amputated because they were bitten by a small child.

so, i propose to you dick grayson as robin going around biting criminals in hopes of giving them infections because he learnt about them in science and thought they were interesting

Joker, holding an arm around Dick!Robin to keep him hostage as he aims his gun at Batman: Haha! I have your little bird! What now Batsy?!

Dick!Robin, seeing the bare skin between Joker's glove and sleeve and craving violence: 👁_👁

"Easy now," Batman said as he tried to keep his voice calm, hands up and empty. "You don't want to do anything rash."

"Oh, but Batsy, I do!" Joker said, pressing the gun harder into Robin's temple. "Russian roulette is my favorite game! As long as I'm not the one playing."

"Think about what you're doing," he said as he took a careful step forward, but the Joker stepped back.

Joker cackled as he dragged the little Boy Wonder back with him, sleeve pulling up, "Oh, I think it's high time I dealt with the Bat problem in Gotham. A little pest control, hmm? And then no one will be left to interfere with my games."

"Don't," Batman said, watching Robin's mouth inch open wider and wider as his eyes darted back and forth between him and the Joker's bare wrist. "Robin, Do. Not."

"What?" And that was all it took. The Joker's momentary confusion caused him to relax his grip, and Robin bit down as hard as he could.

The Joker cried out in pain, dropped the gun, and started prying at Robin's mouth. Batman lunged forward, grabbing Robins jaw and squeezing, trying to get his mouth open. "We talked about this," but Robin bit down harder, and Joker started punching, hitting both Robin and Batman as the two adults tried to get the boy to release his grip.