There was music I listened to every day that gave me hope. When I was sad, mad, stressed, happy, and any other feeling, I would turn to music. It always centered me and brought me to a state of peace. I relied on it so much during my initial grieving.
Now it's ruined. I listen to music just to fill the silence. None of it has meaning anymore.
Having things to distract me from thinking about the situation with that man with the girlfriend helps, but then once I start drifting into those thoughts it's miserable.
I have been having dreams about him and it's driving me insane.
We need to talk about what happened so I can know if I need to cut him out of life completely or if it was okay and I can be at peace.
It just sucks that this has affected my love of music because now I can't listen to the same songs I did before without thinking "love isn't real and all these songs mean nothing".
I cracked. I told one of my best friends about me hooking up with the guy and she did not take it well. I really hope she doesn't tell anyone or act in a way that makes it apparent that she knows. Cause she has done that before.
But I was going crazy. I needed to unload it.
Now I just feel anxious. I need to talk to him and get shit figured out. Did he cheat on his S/O? Was it okay? Do they have an agreement of some kind? I am hoping for the best but at this point, it's not looking good.
Just waiting to reach out at this point but I don't know when or how to do it.
Laying in bed I think
Would I feel this if I drink
Too many thoughts wander
Will they last much longer
Maybe taking a break from social media isn’t the best thing for me when I don’t have anyone to talk to. I used it to indirectly communicate with people. Where am I going to get the interaction I need…
I never gave any thought to the saying “never meet your idols/heroes” and I wish I had. I wish I overthought it to the point that I wouldn’t even try meeting them. Life would have been better.
My favorite music is ruined now. I can’t listen to it without getting sad or anxious. This sucks.
Okay. Slowly but surely, got into a better head space. Last night's game really helped. Made me realize I should prioritize my true passions for my mental health, volleyball being the number 1.
And Blackpink could not have come out with an album at a better time. Time to divert my energy into my girlies lol
Ugh I am weak!!!
I accidentally reactived my instagram, cause I was still in the habit of opening the app. Then I went and lurked on that man knowing damn well it would send me back into a spiral.
Okay, game plan for not freaking out about being in love with that man:
Hopefully this little cleanse will get me back into a better headspace.
Just logged out of ig and twitter. I overshare on those. At least I can overshare here and I know at least someone will see it but not know what I’m talking about lol. Like screaming into an empty parking garage. Maybe I should try that.
Okay, I need to unload this because it’s driving me bonkers.
I hooked up with someone that I had never thought I would (I wanted to, but didn’t think it was a possibility). When this happens (because it’s happened more than once with different people), I always overthink my feelings for the person. The intimacy really fucks with my brain. It’s like “wow, I ‘bagged’ them” but also “damn, am I not good enough for them”.
And then I spiral into thinking “will it happen again” or “do they regret it” or “maybe they didn’t like it”? Part of me NEEDS to know, so I want to talk about it. But then talking about it makes it weird. And then if I make things weird, it will definitely ruin any chances it could happen again.
And to make matters worse, this person has a partner!!! I asked about it mid-kiss and they said there was an “arrangement” between them but that they don’t know about this. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Like should I feel like shit or should I be fine since it might be okay?
And this is someone I do not want to ruin my relationship with. I realized recently that I formed an unhealthy coping mechanism by latching onto this person when I was dealing with my best friend’s death. They (indirectly) helped me through so many tough times. Every memory I have of this person is good and positive. I don’t want this situation or any potential feelings to ruin that.
Anyways, I wish AJ was still alive because I know he would be so happy for me and we could both freak out (in a good way) together about it. Cause I want to be happy and freak out about it. Sucks not having a gay bipoc best friend that I could relate with about everything.
This morning, I came to the realization that while I miss AJ so fucking much, so many of the things that have happened over the last 2 years wouldn’t have happened if he was still around. Something will happen and he’ll be the first person I want to tell, but if he was here that story wouldn’t exist.
Not saying things happen for a reason, but things are definitely connected.
Oh and yes, I will be writing walls of text to send into the ether because I am going crazy keeping all these thoughts bottled up.
Not gonna lie friends. I would like to feel desired and feel like someone’s first choice
Is it s*icidal if I just don’t want to live? Like I’m not gonna act upon it but also would not mind not waking up lol
If I die young, do NOT let my family monopolize the grief. I want my closest friends involved in celebrating and mourning me. I will literally haunt my family if they shut out any of my friends. Blood is not thicker than water.
