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I keep getting terrifying emails from colleges

Emily, we’re coming for you 

i just sneezed and my brother texted me “shut up”

my children: hey mom whats for dinner??

me: oh hunny im serving up looks tonight!

my children: mother we haven’t eaten in days

stop unfollowing me i have been nothing but gorgeous and hilarious to u all

Could you imagine if edward had just been some regular dude like fucking around with bella and she said with the utmost confidence “i know what you are…..you’re a vampire” and he’s just out there alone with her in the middle of the forest like

mosquito: *about to bite me*

me: umm i have a bf

I mean…I’d be concerned too

when u accidentally make eye contact with someone on public transport n your eyes quickly slide to the left slide to the right take it back now yall one hop this time

dont let tumblr make you think its okay to live in florida