Am I...transgender?
I’ve felt my whole life like I am not a proper female. I remember me, as young as three years old, arguing vehemently with my maternal parental unit that I am a BOY, gd it! I’ve had barbies and dresses and the color PINK forced on me my entire childhood. (I despise pink to this very day because of the association.) I wanted to play sports like wrestling and football, but I couldn’t because those were “for boys”. And then I learned when I was a teenager that I like both genders — but not sex. And I was apparently “wrong” for both of those things. I always had to talk and behave a certain way because of my genitals, which never sat well with me. When I finally started to live with the notion that I-have-a-uterus-and-sizable-breasts-so-logic-dictates-that-I-am-a-girl, I tried to embrace my “place” in the world and started focusing on how to be a “proper lady”, yet all the sudden I was “slutty” and a “hoochie” “outspoken” and “disrespectful” and should dress “conservatively”, even though girls who showed off their looks apparently got praise and approval (it didn’t help that the only affection I ever got was from the “family friend” who got way too handsy with me, but I took it because here was someone who was finally being nice to me).
When I finally got away from toxic relatives and out on my own, I tried to be a proper woman, but the label “woman” never settled in and I waited my entire twenties to feel “right”. Then tragedy hit me and my partner and living became survival again, thus I no longer cared what I looked like or what people thought. I stopped wearing makeup so much, I stopped shaving my legs and armpits, I stopped the painful process of waxing my face, and THEN!! For the first time, I actually felt comfortable in my skin. I stopped wearing bras so much. I started wearing geeky t-shirts and jeans and biker boots. I talk in a way that feels right to me, and not how a “lady” should. I stopped sitting like a “lady” and I don’t take shit from anybody anymore. I began to realize that I never liked being referred to as a “she” and would jokingly tell my friends to not accuse me of being a woman. Then I started an anonymous, faceless, genderless Twitter (before the muskrat takeover) as a social experiment, and learned that I LIKED it when everyone just assumed I was a guy. I didn’t correct them because I didn’t want them to change the way they talked to me.
I then came to the conclusion that I’m genderfluid. I prefer they/them pronouns, but I really do enjoy he/him. I still know how to be a “woman”, and I still occasionally present myself as one when it’s needed (or when it’s not a good idea to get into correcting people). I still thought I was stuck being a woman when I met my partner, so I will happily be a woman for them from time to time, because that’s what they’re attracted to and I still want to be attractive to them. But they never try to make me be anything, and certainly doesn’t shame me for my gender issues — they love and support me whatever I’m feeling. (They still refer to me as “she”, but that’s what I still was when we met nearly a decade ago and it’s hard for them to switch, so I don’t hold it against them; they’re not malicious about it at all). And if I’m feeling particularly masculine — even for weeks or months at a time — they don’t try to stop me from being just that. For most of my life, I’d never heard of transgender or gender-affirming care or anything of the sort (due to being raised in an EXTREMELY conservative environment), but once I started educating myself about it so I could support others, it started to make a lot of sense to me. But I’m still learning and trying to understand it all, so I beg of you, LGBTQIA+ side of Tumblr, to PLEASE help me understand what exactly I am and what I’m going through. I know how I feel — have ALWAYS felt — and that is most certainly NOT feminine. Am I genderqueer? Am I Trans? Is this real? Am I a hypochondriac? Is it all in my head? Am I just confused? Please help!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤎🤍🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
