my autopsy results came back inconclusive

theyre not even sure what i am

youre reading correctly

but what is Joe Biden doing about the really bright car lights that hurt my eyeballs

If you think about it, the phrase “a bowl of mac and cheese” fits the format for generic YA fantasy titles

Speechless

DUDE THIS KID SHREDS HARD

i’m glad we all agree

this is what dnd bards look like when they’re casting spells. like this dude is casting fucking power word kill but the power word is SHRED

Twitter doesn't plan to do anything about impersonators that pay $8 to pretend they're a celebrity. People are already doing it

There's even an equivalent of John Green cock monologue

Now that Joe Brandon has forgiven my ten billion dollars in student loan debt I am excited to begin work on my 17th unnecessary college degree for which you will all be placed in endentured servitude as a form of vicarious debt peonage on my behalf in accordance with the law

I'm gonna get twelve PhDs and a million sex change abortions and because of socialism you (yes, you) must pay for it

prince charles if you’re reading this there will never be a funnier time to die than right now

suckingham phallus

i really dont understand people who say stardew valley and minecraft are "calming" games every time i have played minecraft i have been so so fucking stressed out man there are poison spiders in this abandoned mineshaft and they keep hissing at me

there is literally a hell dimension and you get fireballed to death by a weird moaning jellyfish and one time i forgot to sleep for a few days and got murdered by flying demons

"minecraft calms my anxiety" have you ever encountered a baby zombie

the current thing trad losers are losing their minds over is one singular dude on reddit that refurbished and hand painted a grandfather clock and they keep saying the guy “ruined its value” or “threw thousands out the window by vandalizing a precious heirloom” and let me just say as someone densely familiar with the world of antiques, there’s a 99% chance that this clock was a mass produced reproduction and there’s a 100% chance that clock is not as valuable as ppl think it is. when people hear the word ‘grandfather clock’ they’re always gonna assume you’re talking about something that was handmade in a woodshop by a jolly old man when rlly repros take up a waaay bigger slice of the market far more than any handcrafted items. and besides people will repaint or redecorate these ‘oh so sacred handcrafted items’ every day there’s a huge market for them. it’s the same reason why people like long furbies or dolls that have been customized to have like gore mouths or something. this is literally like watching a bunch of pretentious farts make a mountain out of a molehill. also the clock is kinda cool if I’m being honest

this is what’s got them so mad. like the dude didn’t destroy it or anything, just made it more interesting to look at. when I see this I don’t go “this man is a danger to society because he RUINED a precious antique” i just think to myself “huh that’s actually some very impressive work with patterns, getting all those intricate geometric shapes done with just paint must’ve been hard work and it looks cool and the colors really pop” but idk maybe that’s just because I’m not completely deranged

more clock pictures from the original post:

and the plain wood surface before painting:

"why is no one talking about the kate and william pegging scandal this is the men getting pegged website" and why would I want to humanise a member of the royal family like that 😑

🤠🤠🤠🤠

(Link)

JEWPITER

text from my dad (2021) - my dad

“i’ll admit that my main problem with this is that i haven’t asked”

submitted by @cornandcoconutsoup​

Original text for context

op this provides no context

Walter white rly was like. How dare you offer to pay me for my cancer treatment, old best friend from college who holds me very dear. I'm gonna kill tons of people and ruin my whole family's lives before I take a handout

when people say "Breaking Bad couldn't be made anywhere else but America" they're usually referring to how Walter White would get free health treatment but imho there's something about Walter's "i'll do stuff on my own, i don't need handouts you fuck" attitude that's even more American

Nature