🦀 Happy Crab Day, Tumblr! 🦀

may it be ✨ crabulous ✨

just painted an onion on a cutting board and i think it’s the peak of my artistic career

look at her…

she gets stronger!

the full painting is finally complete!

This is giving me emotions that I myself do not fully understand

Maybe you're just tearing up because someone has been cutting onions

please behold the 24 Hours of Lemons race, in which you can only spend $500 total on a car to cross country race for 24 hours

named after the legendary 24 hour Le Mans race, Lemons rallies barely legal cars in an endurance race across America. had the privilege of sharing the freeway with this race and seeing the absolute art od this event

This is so American I could CRY

oh this is nothing. some of my favorite lemons entries are:

an airplane stuck on a toyota minivan

this miata built by rocket scientists

the mr2 boat

the nyan cat bmw that i think actually played the song at all times

the homer simpson car built by uranium workers

this limo whose brakes caught on fire

the dumbest corolla and supra wearing funny hats

and so much more. 24 hours of lemons my beloved

The absolute metaphorical snarl that is a Limo modeled after the titanic called "unstoppable", whose breaks caught fire, is just, absolutely sending me

i WILL make lump fish a Trendy Animal like axolotls and isopods. no one can stop me

Very beautiful, very powerful

They are very Expression

Oh, I forgot to tell you guys that this lady came in two minutes before closing with a two inch high stack of coupons and two full carts. It took me twenty minutes to ring everything up, and she only ended up paying around five bucks for all of it, and then she gave me three things of paper towels and a box of Frosted Flakes for no discernable reason other than that they were free and she kept me late.

That should be the new rule. If you inconvenience me, I get to have some of your groceries.

There was also a woman behind her with WIC checks who looked very stressed about the whole ordeal, so this lady was like, “I can get you ten boxes of cereal for free. Come with me,” and proceeded to do exactly that with her baffling and powerful coupon game. I think this lady was an angel.

Translator? Why not trans now?

My parents just read this post aloud to me and asked me if I’d seen it. I don’t know how to react.

.

This is ‘Clinamen’, by Céleste Boursier-Mougenot (it’s an installation artwork). I got to see it in person and it’s stayed with me since.

if you don’t support people with ‘scary’ mental illnesses, you are not an ally.

you need to support people with ASPD

you need to support people with NPD

you need to support people with DID/OSDD

you need to support people with schizophrenia

you need to support people with psychosis

you need to support people with delusions

and so many more disorders that society has deemed scary, dangerous and/or bad.

thinking about my optometrist who was treating my eye infection and said “if it hurts, you can rinse your eye with boiled water. look at me - look at me. i want you to understand that i mean water that has been boiled and has since cooled down. not boiling water. do you understand?” like i’m so grateful for this man ensuring that I wouldn’t destroy my eyes by pouring boiling water in it, because it is an adequate assessment of my intelligence

this is a man who has experienced The Public

king i think it is not fucking sufficient at all. wolftopia or bust

Also Wolftopia is gorgeous by the way

Wolftopia is nearly the size of Saturn and orbits two stars that closely orbit each other!

Wolftopia is OPALESCENT are you KIDDING ME

We here at Sylph Co. are proud to announce the opening of an official tumblr account. By manufacturing and distributing Pokéballs and Trainer Acessories, we're not just selling supplies, we're selling connections between people and pokémon

"ooooh nooooo but a rail strike around the holidays could cripple the economy" damn sounds like their labor is really really important and you should give them what they fucking want

Bouncy bois

(via)

HI I WORK IN AN AQUARIUM AND I WANT IT TO BE KNOWN THAT THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR THE MOVEMENT IS “GALUMPHING” 

boing boing boing

White girls need to drop the AAVE and bring back "AS IF!!! 😒" and "GET IT TOGETHER" like y'all were eating in the 2000s!

bring this back

may i present my favorite twitter thread that compiled a list of tremendous white people phrases

Attack…

What dimension is that bird coming from

I think the drone has multiple panoramic cameras, meaning the eagle literally figured out where its blind spot was most likely to be by the angle of the lenses and then SWOOP

I watched the video on loop easily 20 times and it straight up comes out of nowhere

What I love is that the BIRD appears from nowhere, but look at the ground…..its SHADOW was there the whole time

This brilliant little creature can intuit the blind spot of some weird metal thing by the angle of its “eyes!” Animals are so talented

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

The other day they had me working with softserve and fried dough. I was burned out because I kept bouncing back and forth between the fryer and my register and these people had like, 8 things in their order. We get to the ice cream part of the order, and it comes in a bowl or cone. Instead of saying “Would you like the vanilla in a bowl or cone?” I said “Would you like the bowl in a vanilla or cone?” And we all stopped and had to think that through as my cart runner is staring me down like “tf are you doing?”

I work at Hardees and we have to yell “thank you” whenever we’re told to do something because of how loud the kitchen is.

One morning, my mom hollered at me to wake up, and half-asleep me yells at full volume,

“THANK YOU”

i work with dogs, and i have to be a bit strict with them sometimes in order to keep fights from breaking out. recently, while making tea, the kettle started boiling sooner than i wanted, so without thinking i turned around sharply, pointed my finger at it and stared it down, and said, “Bad boy! You need to wait!” needless to say i was very glad i was alone

I know I’ve reblogged this a billion times but I’ve worked retail for 8 years and these things are never not funny.

I work with horses and whenever someone’s driving too fast I’ll say stuff like “whoa” and I’ve tried to click to a car because that’s a cue for a horse to go faster.

I work in the mental health field and have left parties by saying the same spiel I say whenever an appointment ends: “Thank you for meeting with me today. If anything urgent comes up, feel free to call my office. I look forward to seeing you next week because we have so many great things to work on.”

At my work we use handheld radios a lot, and we use proper radio etiquette. I have many times said “copy that” or “Roger that” when talking to someone in person, and I know people who have begun a conversation with “come in [name of person standing right in front of them]”

May I never forget my time as a whole foods cashier and looking directly at this lady’s eyes and saying very clearly “I love you”. I was mortified, but the lady just said “oh thanks have a good day!” As if everything was normal and to this day it still haunts me if she realized what I said or not….

Me when there was a toad by the dishwashing station last week and a kid noticed it so I, fresh off of 8 hours of nature interpretation, put on my Presentation Voice and said “yeah! Its a toad! Isnt it neat? You could probably touch it, but then it migjt pee on you, because that’s its defense mechanism :)” and then went back to washing dishes

First the sign is only spoken rhetoric. Then it is a known fact, a produced truth. Then it becomes the material reality. We do not sit well.

Gävlebocken had its inaugarution day yesterday (november 28th). It has survived the last four years, time to place your bets on if the streak will extend to five or not.

PLEASE THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I’VE SEEN THIS THIS AFTERNOON.