i think this world would be better off without religion..... just my opinion.

so, what if i am ?

even my parents always say i have some sort of mental abnormalities and that i’m such a robot.

this night, i had a fight with these demons inside me again, who i used to think i could be friends with. they were unexpectedly stronger today, and i lost the fight once again. they took over my weak heart and flesh, immediately consumed me once again. i let them take over my body. lost control over my words, my movements, and my body. in just a moment, i became of what they called monster. without any hesitation anymore i shouted hurtful words to everyone, it didn’t sound anything like my voice. it sounds like some other voice. i punched the wall and hurt my knuckles. kicked the walls aggresively and hurt my legs. after they had fun inside me, they left me empty and miserable. i broke myself and hurt others once again. kill me. please, save me from myself.

i hate staying at home if i’m not alone there, i hate having long car rides with both of my parents, everything. i hate staying with my parents. just one of them, actually. they made me emotionally damaged. sad to think that they’re always the main cause of my sadness and despair. they make me feel useless.

Walls

finally, i think i’ve grown stronger. from everything i’ve been through. everything i felt, saw, said, it all built me stronger little by little. i’ve built walls around me, so i won’t be too vulnerable. even though sometimes it crumbles a little. but i always try my best to rebuild it again. at times, it might take long. my overreacting feelings too, i’ve learnt how to control it and how to hold it so i won’t burst all the time. i don’t want to be seen as weak and whiny. i’ve realized where i should actually give my fucks to. i’ve realized that not everything is worth giving a fuck. you know.. the past me, that girl.. she always bother to care about everything and ended up making herself miserable. now i still have to learn how to give fucks wisely.

yet why ..? why is everything around me seems to be trying to make me fall into despair again, when i'm trying my hardest to be strong ? ahh, maybe i should learn how to be grateful again. all of those troublesome things i face could possibly make me even stronger, right ?

but, still… you know what ? all of this overwhelming feelings often makes me angry. and i don’t even know what that feeling is?? i have no idea why, but i do feel that i quickly get irritated lately. seems like built up negative feelings i develop as time goes by. everytime i snapped and got angry at people, i feel immense hurt and guilt inside me afterwards. that’s just not me. everytime i’m angry, it’s not like being myself. it’s like someone is taking over my mind. at times, i’d cry because i’ve done and said such terrible thing to people. i hurt their feelings. i, who used to be sad and cry every damn time, now starting to turn into a more pathetic person by getting irritated all the time. no, i don't want this. this is definitely something bad, i want to be a positive person again i once was, and i don’t want to hurt anybody and also hurt myself. i don’t want to turn into a cold hearted human being. i want to be stronger, positively.

someday, i will get that “this is what i’ve been longing for” feeling ☺

My Daydreaming Story :D

i think im a maladaptive daydreamer. when i first discovered the term, i was so surprised and happy because i thought i was the only one that daydreams excessively. all the symptoms i read in the internet apply to me.

i honestly think of this as a blessing though, despite most people thinks of this as a “curse” they should get rid of. because it makes me unique. In fact, it helped me do lots of creative things and kills time when i get bored.

i remember having imaginary interactions with five of my imaginary friends (not really though, those 5 were actually someone i knew in real life, haven’t meet them again for almost 10 years) when i was around 5 years old(or 6? I forgot.). they were all girls, all of them were older than me. i still have that (crappy) drawing of them until now. i usually interact with them when walking around inside a blanket(looks funny isn’t it). i once got embarassed because i was caught by my father pacing around and rocking with those five (heh, i never thought i’d get embarassed at such young age. it’s usual for kids to play with their imaginary friends, right ?)

i don’t remember having imaginary interactions nor daydreaming excessively when ever since i went to elementary school (maybe this is why i always became the top grader each year). perhaps because i lived a happier life back then..(ugh this takes me back.) i was a very cheerful and outgoing little girl with a lot of close friends.

and then… it all started again when i was at 12 or 13. I don’t remember exactly when it all started again. this one’s more intense. i act out everything, pacing, and actually talking with myself when daydreaming. (can you just imagine yourself entering a room and caught one of ur friends pacing around like they’re mentally ill? that’s creepy, right? and yup that’s what i did most of the time!) most of the time it involves emotional reactions too. i always end up daydreaming without me realizing it. i’d be sooo embarassed if someone caught me talking and acting things out. i am not a kid anymore.

one day i realize that i’ve daydreamed way too much so i googled about it. found the term “maladaptive daydreaming” and i was so happy thinking i’m not the only one who did this. i did a lot of researches about it and so surprised that everything stated there about MD applies to me.

sometimes it interrupts my daily life too. sometimes i prefer daydreaming than doing homeworks, chores, and studying. It takes me long to fall asleep and wake up(it actually feels good doing this when you’re still half conscious at morning.) because i can’t stop daydreaming. I also have trouble concentrating in school and i think my grades are dropping significantly (especially math, ughh.). Its also bad for my social life because sometimes i try to avoid people and making excuses so i can be alone and daydream all i want. at school, i often walk around to places that have less people in it, just to daydream. the good thing is, it actually helped me a lot when i’m lonely. when i miss someone so badly, i usually hug my pillow, but it really feels just like i’m hugging them. i picture their faces and actually talking with them. sometimes i can picture one of my friends comforting me. but at times, thinking that i did this to cope with my loneliness made me feel even more lonely too. i know, the best way to cope with this is to meet/text my friends directly, it’s my fault. when i had a crush i imagine doing many things with them. it feels wonderful. when i was angry because someone or something, i always make scenes about it in my head and act them out. that way i usually find a resolution to end the problem.

everything triggers me. movies, books, people, music..(there’s no way to for me to stop daydreaming when the music is on xD) I think this is the way for me to deal with most of difficult things. (usually emotional pains.) i feel a bit more relieved after i daydreamed. i think this made me a bit more sluggish and forgetful too. I once tried telling this to my mother but she didn’t take me seriously at that time. she thinks i made things up. tried telling friends too and they thought the same. fyi, i’m 14 now, and still doing the same thing all the time :)

Huft i am glad i finally let this all out even though maybe there’ll be no one reading this :‘0 i wonder if my friends do this too ? I guess no.

i love remembering small and silly things my friends used to do with me, even though it’s a little bit sad to remember

i wish i was better at socializing

why do i have this strange feeling that everything happens in a cycle… like everything is slowly going back to how it was……. hm i guess i’m just daydreaming too much, such thing will never happen anyway