Alec Baldwin and Jeff Goldblum were hosting a party at my house and the sexual tension between them was unbearable. They tried to make jokes about it to change the mood but it just made it worse and Jeff’s shirt was steadily coming undone with no explanation.
That’s just how Jeff Goldblum be
Mission Prep: My task, should I choose to accept it (which I have to), is to oversee a massive renovation allowing future Hogwarts Quidditch matches to be live streamed all over the globe in real time. This is probably the largest overhaul I’ve had to tackle since our initial setup 2 years ago.
Step One: Sit in despair wondering how the hell it will work. Step Two: Make it work.
I’ve already checked off step one, so really I’m halfway done!
Alright I’m a bit cynical on occasion, but yes magic beat us to the punch on a handful of good ideas. Paintings here were moving way back when Muggles were still sharing their memes by printing them onto paper.
A bit of explanation for future readers. Paper was a solid state information transference method. Primitive by today’s standards as it lacked GIF compatibility.
A bit of explanation for way future readers. GIF was a type of animated image files, most notable for being the primary cause of societal collapse in the early 21st century after years of heated pronunciation debate inevitably sparked the beginning of the third World War.
tbh I’d love a horror-comedy about a retail worker accidentally becoming a ghost/demon hunter because they’re just so unfazed by difficult and weird and bellicose customers that evil entities aren’t much more of a challenge.
“sir or ma'am or neuter, I’m going to have to ask you to stop crawling on the ceiling, you’re disturbing the other residents”
“please leave this place before I call the exorcist to remove you from the premises”
“company policy forbids me from accepting power from customers in exchange for my soul or firstborn child”
“sir, if you keep speaking to me like that, I’m going to have to end this spirit board conversation. have a good day, goodbye”
Wizarding duels are truly interesting to watch, but a lot of the time it boils down to who can hit the other with a good disarming spell first.
So like, put a Wiimote strap on your wand? Right? Not just in duels but all the time. I mean I can’t be the first person in thousands of years to think that maybe wizards should rely on more than the strength of their fingertips to hold onto the thing casting all of their spells?
I’m in the wrong industry.
My new year’s resolution is to be more punctual on updates! Seeing as I’m posting that today, and it’s the 19th already, that sort of means I have nowhere to go but up on that resolution!
Growing up is switching to channel 3 for video games every single day like its no big deal, then one day visiting your friend who had some off brand TV where it was randomly channel 2 or 4 and everything you held true suddenly fell apart as you realized that the world is chaos and nothing is sacred.
A while back some very evil wizards did some very evil things so a bunch of good wizards teamed up to stop it. The evil wizards were then defeated, yay the end.
Now, a bunch of American business heads are trying to push a very evil change of US policy on net neutrality, so people came together and stopped it. So they tried again and people came together and stopped it. So they’re trying again-
What in saying is, FCC commissioners, American cable company lobbyists, and Congress if you allow this to keep happening- YOU ARE LITERALLY BEING WORSE THAN DEATH EATERS RIGHT NOW!
The year is 2017. There are movies featuring Josh Gad, Leslie Odom Jr., Beanie Feldstein, and Daveed Diggs, all in theaters at the same time. Rory O'Malley, Josh Groban, Jeremy Jordan, Ben Platt, Anthony Ramos, and Andrew Rannells are all on famous TV shows within weeks of each other. Speaking of Ben Platt, he is working on a solo album. Dear Evan Hansen and Anastasia are about to perform in a nationally televised parade. Falsettos and Great Comet are coming back on the West Coast. Newsies is on Netflix. Come from Away has a movie deal.
Happy Thanksgiving, Broadway fans.
and most importantly,
my brother is teaching his cat how to high five by giving her a treat every time she successfully taps her hand to his hand, which is all well and good, but now she thinks that she is entitled to food every time she high fives someone. i can’t eat in the same room as her anymore because she’ll just bap my hand rapid fire and then go nyoom straight in for my pizza like no Kelly that’s illegal go finish ur own dinner
“No Kelly, that’s illegal.”
So, a while back, I was using clicker-training to teach my cat Taz tricks. She learned very quickly and it was a good experience all around, but we had to hide the clicker.
Taz had learned that the clicker meant she got treats. So she would find it, carry it up to people, step on it to make it click, and then SCREAM AT THEM to give her the treats she was clearly owed because the clicker had made a sound.
Pavlov is rolling over laughing in his grave.
i’m sorry to say this, but it has come to my attention that in disney’s descendants, dopey the dwarf has a son named doug — which means that canonically, dopey has fucked
and he will continue to fuck unless we find a way to stop him
Horror Musical Instrument
cut to me, playing my horror instrument at 4 am; my downstairs neighbors bang relentlessly at their ceiling with a broom stick, trying to stop me from summoning witches
#this enrages me every time i see it for the simple fact that john mulaney would have been 15 when princess diana died #which begs the question #if he’s lying #does that mean he did it?
i cant believe john mulaney killed princess diana
i love how everybody just talks about “jeff goldblum” in thor: ragnarok. like, not the grandmaster, no, it was jeff goldblum. the character was jeff goldblum, jeff goldblum was talking to thor and loki, jeff goldblum was the one controlling the fights, jeff goldblum threw orgies on his small personal spaceship.
I used to mock the fact that so many tv shows and movies use people who are like 29 to play highschool students but you know what if it keeps fewer kids on set where some grody ass fucking pedo director could put their hands on them I’m all for highschool specials with crows feet and five o'clock shadow because honestly like 3 people total in Hollywood can be trusted and they’re on thin fuckin ice
who would win? matilda or eleven
they’d become best friends
you know what youre absolutely right
